Description: It's hard to move forward when mired in the past. Knowing she would not have gotten this far without the help of patient friends who still cared about her even through the worst of times as of late, Hotaru visits Mizuki to both express thanks and apologize. Along the way she picks up a few more bits of insight from the thoughtful girl.
Saturday morning, 10 a.m., and the YFCC is already jumping; and even though the YFCC is the scene of many tragedies in Mizuki's life, it's also the scene of many joys. Her students... Alma... happier times watching Hotaru teach, learning from her as well, watching and teaching with Frei... so even so, she comes back again, and again.
Once again, she's teaching a class--although, at this point, she's split it off for individual practices, letting her students do three-step sparring back and forth for a while.
Mizuki kneels at the head of the class, letting her blue eyes roam back and forth to observe her students, watching them as they make mistakes, as they do things right.
She hasn't yet thought about what she would do if she encounters Hotaru again. Then again, she isn't aware of Hotaru's current status, only that she can still feel a phantom of the pain that she felt from Hotaru's Satsujinken technique ripping through her. The thought pulls her lips down; realizing it, she banishes the thought.
For her students, she will put on a neverending smile; it's what they deserve for their hard work.
It takes some effort to go back to the YFCC again. Her last visit was with K', where she was shown a side of the man few would ever know existed as the two connected with some of their similarities late one night. But the visit prior was... with Mizuki, and that is one she wishes she could forget. If only. She paused outside of the building for a while before finally mustering the strength to go in. Keeping her head somewhat bowed she deliberately avoided making contact with anyone, pausing just long enough at the boards to check what time Mizuki's classes were, hoping to find that one was in progress.
Turns out she's in luck, and thus it is the girl quietly makes her way through the building to the room where the young teacher has her class split up for individual practice. Her silent entrance would be easy to miss, she seems to be doing a good job of not drawing attention to herself as she finally looks up and over toward the kneeling girl.
A pensive expression can be found on her face, her eyes troubled. But the anger, the coldness that was there before, is gone, like a barrier broken down to reveal the girl she was before behind it. She doesn't want to interrupt, but she can't wait until the end of the class. Coughing softly into her hand, the girl simply waits by the door. Of course, there's the doubt in her mind, that nagging concern, that Mizuki won't even come near her. After what happened last time... she wouldn't blame her.
Her blue eyes widen. She can't help it; seeing Hotaru immediately triggers those memories. Before she can stop herself, she raises her right hand, pressing it to where she finally felt the coldly furious power of the Satsujinken. But perhaps she's optimistic... or merely foolish. Rising from her seated position, she gestures to one of the other students, one of the older ones. "Joji-kun. Keep them practicing," she says, softly, and he nods, walking to the head of the class. Mizuki?
She's walking the outer edge of the class, walking towards the door. Towards her fate, if Hotaru has come back to finish the job. But as she nears... she can see Hotaru's eyes. And she relaxes, because what she sees there is not what she saw the last time. Slowly, she draws even with Hotaru, at the door, her gaze, her expression, neutral, as she explores that expression more intently.
And then, as if coming to a decision, she smiles, ever so faintly. "Futaba-san. It's... good to see you again." Taking a chance, of course--what -could- happen is that Hotaru could be faking.
She watches the girl reach for where she had felt the touch of the Koga's technique. It's been... a little while, and yet she still feels it? Sakura mentioned a lingering effect a whole week after coming in contact with by way of request at the church yard, but Mizuki was even longer ago than that. How long, Hotaru wonders, how long before the taint of it goes away. Or will it linger forever, just as the damage she believes the entire affair has done to her life?
Then Mizuki comes to approach. Not as an opponent, not defensive. But trusting, willing to take a chance. That she's willing to do that alone is a relief to the troubled fighter, and just a little she feels her eyes beginning to shimmer at the faith of her friend. "Mizuki-san," comes the quiet reply, her voice reflecting the relief she feels. This is the first step, but it doesn't mean that the rest will be easy.
"I'm sorry to come in the middle of a class," the girl continues, a side glance cast toward the youths learning from the young miko. "But I felt I needed to talk to you as soon as possible, and so here I am." Her voice is low, clearly intending to keep the nature of the conversation to just the two of them.
"I... I'm not sure how to say this, it's just that..." she kneads her fingers together, clearly nervous and uneasy. These are not familiar circumstances for the girl that always tried to do no wrong to her friends in the past. "I wanted to tell you that I'm so very sorry for what I did... what I said last time we met... you were right, I was wrong... so very wrong."
Eyes once again stray to the point she had struck Mizuki with the Satsujinken before shifting back to the girl's face, "I should never have used such technique on anyone. I should never have used it at /all/. I know that now..."
For Mizuki, that pain is probably more psychological than actual; that isn't to say that she didn't -actually- feel it, but to say that it may not be entirely all there. Mizuki regards her friend--and she does still consider Hotaru a friend--for a moment, merely listening while she speaks. Explanations are made, apologies tendered. There is a moment in there where Mizuki could -refuse- the apology. But she doesn't even consider it.
"It's alright, Futaba-san. You can see that they're in self-study right now anyways," she remarks. "In fact, it's excellent timing on your part. I... have wanted to talk to you, too. Since... that time." Her right hand twitches; almost she reaches for her chest again, but there's little more than the twitch of fingers before she masters the impulse.
"Futaba-san... no. Hotaru." It's a rare thing for her to use the kenpoists' first name. After all, she considers Hotaru a senpai and an elder, and she's been raised in the most polite of Japanese traditions. "Everyone makes mistakes."
Those words could be construed as condescending, but Mizuki is using them merely to illustrate a point. "Frei, Alma, Jiro... myself... none of us are perfect. What you said then... there's some truth to it, too. You and I... our friends. What we do... it's true that we train our power so that others won't have to fight... so that they can live in peace." Her blue eyes drop, to her hands.
"I can understand what would drive you to learn... that power. To use it. I feel weak, too. I have felt weak. I will feel weak in the future. So... I guess what I'm trying to say is..." Reaching up, she brushes a strand of hair out of her eyes.
"What's important now is to move forward. To heal, to learn, to turn this into strength." A smile. "But I'm not telling anything you don't know. After all, that's exactly what the Hotaru I came to admire would do, isn't it?"
This is, in every way, going easier than it went with Roberto. Though there is a certain sense of guilt that it is going so easily. Mizuki should be harder on her. It would be her right to be. Not that she would be... Hotaru knows her well enough to understand that. The red-head admits that everyone makes mistakes but the pig-tailed girl shakes her head, looking a little saddened, "This is a bit worse than a mistake, I'm afraid," she replies gently.
"My words then... they were excuses, justification for taking a shortcut that... well, it was a shortcut in a direction I never wanted to go." Her forearms are concealed by a long, blue jacket she has on over her traditional styled outfit. "No, Mizuki... you aren't weak," she replies firmly. "Don't let yourself think that, it's... it can lead to making the kind of decisions I did."
She speaks of healing, and moving forward, and Hotaru lowers her eyes slowly, "Yes... perhaps. I'm not sure about moving forward, but... I do need to heal." Her left hand slips over to her right sleeve before the girl draws it back gradually, revealing white bandage wrappings up and down the length of her arm. "I... mastered its true form, in the end, but in doing so hurt myself severely. I almost..." she closes her eyes, shaking her head, "I almost hit Kentou with it, Mizuki, that's... that's when I snapped out of it. When I realized how horrible I had been to everyone."
She lowers her arms slowly, looking at the girl quietly, "Thank you, though... for what you said, then. And at the fight the week before that. I remember your words well and... I wish there was any way I could repay you, but I don't know what I can do anymore."
It's true, there's pretty much no chance that Mizuki would rub in Hotaru's mistakes. That isn't her. "Perhaps it is. But, nothing is irreparably harmed, Hotaru-san." Mizuki ponders her words for a moment. "Not physically, not mentally, not socially, not emotionally. Damage... was done. A lot of it." She might be kind, but she has to speak the truth, even the truths that Hotaru already knows.
"But nothing irreparable was done," she insists. Mizuki glances back at the class, which is going just fine. In fact, it's just about over for today, so Mizuki moves to one side of the door to clear some room for the kids that will soon be swarming past.
"But I am, Hotaru-san. I am weak and I am strong. There are very few people who are simply weak or strong, I have found. I don't think I would take the path you took. But who can say? You..." Now she reaches out, touching your shoulder, lightly.
"In order to heal, you will also need to move forward. If you dwell on this forever, you'll never let go of it completely... it already almost consumed you once. Don't let it again."
Kentou... the boy was the key, of course. She's glad it didn't take him actually being hit by it... "There is only one thing you need to do to repay me, Hotaru-san. Only one. And that is to be the Hotaru we all know and love and to understand that we--all of us--will always be here for you."
"Maybe," the girl replies as Mizuki mentions nothing was irreparably damaged. She ponders Roberto whom she just visited at the hospital before coming here. "Maybe..." she repeats as she remembers his cool distance from her. That trust may be damaged forever. "I hope to get to where people feel they can trust me again, but I think it will take a long time. I... just have to make sure to give them no reason to think otherwise," she states quietly, folding her arms over her chest.
Quietly she listens to Mizuki's thoughts on being strong and weak. She makes some good points, especially about moving forward, not lingering over what she did, rewatching herself perform such horrific things over and over as she has since the moment she snapped out whatever it was that was done to her. "I'm worried about Frei... Kataki did this to me... well, some of it. I wish I could just say it was all him, but I don't really know where his influence started and my own..." she frowns faintly, glancing to the side, "Insecurities began. Do you know where Frei has been? I should warn him about what his brother can do."
Mizuki states what she needs to do to repay her and Hotaru's expression shifts into a quiet, sad smile. "Mizuki-san... I will try. I think I will be the same, eventually. I just have to get past this. But... I don't know if everything else will be the same. I might not ever fight again. I don't think I trust myself in a match. After seeing what I almost did to my own student in a harmless spar, I-..." She hugs herslef a little tighter, feeling a chill at the recollection, "I just don't know what would happen."
"I'm sure you will," replies Mizuki, confidently. Trying to instill confidence in her friend, that she -can- move past this, that she -will- move past this. "As long as you try. You have... apologies to make. This, I'm sure, you know. But... You can make them." Have been making them.
"Frei... yes. Kataki... came to me, too. Frei is... I don't know. I think he's afraid of Kataki. Not necessarily what he can do, but what he represents. That other part of Frei's life. But I think he'll deal with it. He can't not..." Kataki needs to be dealt with. It just probably won't be Mizuki that does it.
"Frei... he left. To go to Kyoto. For personal reasons, he said. It might have something to do with Kataki." She hasn't heard the details, herself.
"Hopefully he'll be back soon. The YFCC isn't the same without him around. Or you. You shouldn't give up your martial arts. It is... the only link you have with your brother, yes? You shouldn't sever those ties, however tenuous they are. Remember what I said? You can't give up..."
Hotaru listens quietly as Mizuki speaks of Frei's situation, nodding slowly. She should have been there for him through all this... instead she simply drove him away, spurned his attempts to help her see what she was doing wrong. Oh yes, Frei is on the list of people she most definitely needs to apologize to. When Mizuki mentiosn that he's gone to Kyoto, Hotaru nods her head slowly, bowing her head slowly. "I hope he's okay..."
When the priestess mentions her fighting again, Hotaru glances up slightly, blue eyes meeting the other girl's. She reminds her of Gato, her brother, reminding her of one of the things that have driven her thus far in her life, and Hotaru smiles grimly. "It would be... the most painful thing I ever did if I gave it all up. I... I want to get back to it. Maybe with time... maybe."
She glances to the side, "I'm going to undergo some more training. I... I want to be able to fight again. But I need to know that I will never unleash that attack again. I need to know I can resist it. Not just for my sake... for I don't know what it would do to my arm were I to use it again, but for the sake of anyone I fight."
Focusing back on Mizuki, her smile returns, albeit faint, weary. She has a lot of work to do to get back to the Hotaru Mizuki once knew. "I'll do my best, Mizuki-san. I promise. I... I won't give up recovering. Being able to put the skill I've dedicated my life to to use once again is... very important to me. If I reach a point where I feel I can trust myself again, then we'll see..."
The girl takes a step forward, hand coming up to rest on Mizuki's shoulder just as the miko did to her. "Thank you so much, Mizuki-san, for caring enough to try. You made a difference. I want you to know that. I'm just sorry it game at such a cost. You... you were an example of strength for me. One I will never forget."
"I hope so, too." Mizuki offers little else on the subject of Frei. She doesn't want to give false hopes or assumptions, after all. "I'm sure we will see him soon, Hotaru-san. He'll be overjoyed to know that you're..." Cured? Freed? Sane again? Mizuki lets her voice trail off there. "That you're you."
That sounds good. She nods, just as slowly, as Hotaru mentions further training. "I've been doing training of my own. I want... I want to be more capable. To have the ability to defend my friends, my family, my students." From any threat, foreign or domestic.
"So... someday, Hotaru-san. I will find you and challenge you. I'll find out just how much I've learned... and just how much you've learned... and we'll see. Hotaru-san..." She smiles, as Hotaru's hand rests on her shoulder.
"You're welcome. I..." The redhead's smile is rueful, in a way, but genuine. "I did what I thought you would do if the situations were reversed. If it were me and not you. Do what you have to... to return to who you are. We'll be waiting for you."
Her land slips from off Mizuki's shoulder before the Kenpo artist offers the other girl a polite bow. "Until then, Mizuki... I look forward to it." She takes a step back toward the door, just before the class begins to let out, and turn sto slip off into the hall of the YFCC. Another visit down, many more to go.
Log created on 01:30:01 04/20/2008 by Hotaru, and last modified on 18:35:03 04/20/2008.