Match of the Millennium

Description: Hired to do a comedy workshop, MARIA is inspired by her adversaries tokusatsu look... and comes on stage for a hilarious fight of epic good versus evil! Look out, Koto! Naughty Witch MARIA is free!

[MARIA]
WHEN THE CALL CAME:

"But," MARIA tells the venue organizer, "I was almost done assembling the - I was going to tell a STORY - you know how I W-"

HERE, NOW

"ork," Maria Sataki sighs as she contemplates how to redeem this. She reviews her notes on Koto, scratches her nose...

ACTUALLY HERE, NOW, ON THE ROOF OF THE BUILDING

Sitting on the stage that was going to be a performance and educational stage, there is no heroic man with red hair and ginger freckles here to teach you about the joy of making jokes with a lot of random crap in your closet. There is, instead, a large cardboard simulacrum of... a dumpster?

Nothing happens immediately. (From within, Maria peeks out through slits in the cardboard, trying not to sweat.)

But when the other part of this performance - for every fight, unless it be "Fighter vs. Self", must have some other entity involved - arrives - indeed, when Koto steps onto the stage of history, something emphatic happens. The lid is blown off of the top of the dumpster with a burst of pyrotechnics, rising and toppling up high enough to get caught in the cross breeze and whipped away to... oops, Maria thinks, even as the sparklers begin to ignite the walls of the dumpster.

Which suddenly flare to life - and burn away in a cloud of smoke, revealing...!

"After ten thousand years!" declaims MARIA, in the guise of a broad-horned exemplar of three different kinds of trashy-looking decadent monster-spawning villainesses of a certain genre of television program which all know from the media ecology of Japan. "I am --"

She then gasps as she raises up one leg while leaning on what is obviously her Staff of Evil. Heavy metal chains clink on her calf. "-- Still bound--!? Ahh! This is such a conundrum!? How can I further the ambitions of EEEEEEEVIL when I have this big heavy thing attached to my leg?! Ahh! It's ridiculous! Inconcievable! If it was any less concievable it would be like my cat when she came back from the vet--!!"

The Staff of Evil is twirled around and then pointed towards the implicitly present Mega Dragon Fighter. "You!" she says: "This is YOUR doing, isn't it? You've bound me in this comedically oversized chain of COMEDY, J-Dragon! I won't let you get away with it! Make my audience -" Twist twist twist and a sudden flare of sparkler light - "GROW!"

MARIA looks towards the crowd. Back to J-Dragon. Back to the crowd. Back again. "J-Dragon," Maria says. "Bad news."

"I've enlarged the Earth and everything on it by a factor of ten...! So, you may not want to listen to your doctor if he tells you you're packing on the kilograms!"

"Now let's say hello to our audience, who are now encompassing the entire Earth," says MARIA, twisting her staff around the other way and putting out the sparkler in the process. "*I* am Marizawalataphalon the Nineteenth, Daughter of Darkness and Extremely Naughty Witch. You can call me MARIA for short, or 'Your Majesty,' or 'Her Imperial Splendofironaughtiness, MARIA-sama, to whom I pledge my soul for eternity!'"

("Any takers?" Maria adds.)

[KOTO]
Koto, for all he's worth, will at least entertain children some. But well... there are some things that just don't really sit well going on here. And he's currently more or less staring at the rather insane skit he's been handed. And he shrugs back stage. Transforming to his J-Dragon outfit before walking on to stage has the young man looking around, then at the well... exploding dumpster.


Said flying dumpster has his attention for a moment, juuuust to make sure it doesn't hit anyone he waves a hand briefly in a theatrical fashion to show that he's startled, but at the same time makes sure that flying piece of debris goes back stage instead.

And then he dead pans at the rather over the top villainy that ensues as he looks at MARIA, then the audience, then to MARIA. "You enlarged the audience? Talk about breaking the fourth wall."

Then he clears his throat, "You fiend! You will pay for this insult and I will make you get back in your dumpster for this travesty!" Over the top theatrical motions ensue as he assumes his usual fighter's stance, "Be ready to face the might of Mega Dragon, J-Dragon!" What isn't some sort of theatrical light show is when he moves his hand so the audience can see the prismatically glowing J motion with his hand.

COMBATSYS: Koto has started a fight here.

[\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  <
Koto             0/-------/-------|

COMBATSYS: Maria has joined the fight here.

[\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  //////////////////////////////]
Koto             0/-------/-------|-------\-------\0            Maria

[MARIA]
Now that she has emerged, MARIA's dress glitters with evil sequins. Are they -- yes! They're tiny skulls! How many skulls did this dress take!?

"Kyahahahaha! I'll pay, alright - but I'll be using your wallet, J-Dragon! Now," Maria says, twisting her weapon forwards --

'hey!'
'oi!'
'We made this stuff, can you give it a try?'
'Yeah, tell us how it holds up.'
'Catch!'
'step on me!'
'don't tell the witch lady to step on you dude hella uncool'
'bold of you to assume i meant the woman, beef'

Props begin to get tossed on stage. Now, this audience of aspiring comedians are Japanese, so they do not, for the most part, do something rude like aim straight for J-Dragon's J or or Maria's cleavage, which, being an evil witch, is considerable. But the immediate area is filled with so many stray props and objects that Maria is momentarily taken aback, and she has to use her Staff of Evil to sweep out something of a space before the flood halts.

The guy who wanted J-Dragon to step on him runs forwards to start shoving the crap around. That guy has thick glasses and acne. He is breathing heavily, for a living.

As that happens, MARIA exhales. "RIGHT, right... so, we have all of these things... I think, J-Dragon, that between your so-called pathetic squirmy wormy JUSTICE (dragon) and my infinitely seductive evil, we can agree that we should try to make use of our talents, right? And highlight the work of our hard working audience~! Here, someone catch my Staff of Evil~?!"

MARIA throws it into the audience. They all scoot out of the way. It hits the floor with a loud 'clat!'

Maria frowns.

She sweeps up an item from the ground and brandishes it - a 2:1 replica of the M*ster Sw*rd from a certain popular video game involving a smooth yet tight-bottomed elf man. From the crowd, a person calls 'other way!'

Maria looks at him, tosses the sword in the air to adjust her grip, and then finds that she likes what she feels. "So, advancing on your JUSTICE, I'll give you something you don't expect!" she declaims, raising the weapon up and aiming to swing it down - because the hilt is actually a (padded, but heavy) hammer! And her target -- J-Dragon's head!

COMBATSYS: Koto blocks Maria's Introduction.

[  \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  ///////////////////////////// ]
Koto             0/-------/-------|-------\-------\0            Maria

[KOTO]
Well, two can play at this game! Koto snatches up a whoopie cushion of all things to block with. Said whoopie cushion makes the typical sounds when hit as Koto holds back the hilt from doing more than lightly tapping his helmet.

He looks down at the whoopie cushion, then at Maria. "... I don't think this one's going to work." He pushes back on the sword hilt and swings the whoopie cushion at Maria to get some distance, looking for something a bit more usable.

COMBATSYS: Maria blocks Koto's Evasive Strike.

[  \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  ///////////////////////////   ]
Koto             0/-------/------=|=------\-------\0            Maria

[MARIA]
"Ehhh?" says MARIA, even as the whoopie cushion makes loud flatus noises. She purses her lips and says to the crowd, "I assure you, this is meant to be a serious -" Swat! Pffffbbbbbthtpthtpth

"Heheheheh," says that same crowd figure who had come up to clear out the mess. Maria's lips thin as she looks towards Koto, who has now pushed back, gotten himself some distance. "You may think that you have the advantage, J-Dragon," she says, "but here, let me give you something unexpected."

She snaps into a sudden fencing stance!

Brings her wrist back...

And lunges forwards JUST as she pitches forwards a - beanbag? Towards the hero of Dragony Justice. As it tumbles, though, it suddenly ignites in a screaming mix of pyrotechnics and prop smoke, halfway to contact! Can a hero dodge a giant spreading cloud of pink smoke!? (probably)

COMBATSYS: Koto endures Maria's TWIST!.

[     \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  ///////////////////////////   ]
Koto             0/-------/----===|==-----\-------\0            Maria

[KOTO]
The incoming cloud of pink smoke should probably be easy to dodge, but with the show? Well, Koto tanks it 'cause since when do heroes dodge something like that?

Now being doused in pink smoke and pyrotechnics, he gives a small cry of what sounds like pain, emerging from the smoke and shaking an arm that appears to be on fire. "Hey, that burns, you witch!"

Once he gets the fire out by waving his arm wildly in comical fashion, he points a finger at Maria, "Fine, have it your way! Face the justice of the Dragon Emperor!"

There is probably only so much a video tape can show of what Koto can do. And this is one of them. The Dragon Emperor launches outwards as a rolling prismatic wave towards Maria that may or may not be a pulled punch slightly. It's still a flashy attack heading towards her, though, while Koto moves to pick up one of those LARP foam swords afterwards and takes a fencer's stance of his own. "En garde, MARIA!"

COMBATSYS: Maria blocks Koto's Dragon Emperor.

[      \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  ////////////////////////      ]
Koto             0/-------/---====|====---\-------\0            Maria

[MARIA]
The pink smoke spreads - and it smells... like chemistry!

Yes, MARIA is not using advanced crime, nor magical powers. "Hahahaha! Now that you've imbibed the cruel smoke of the foreign realms, you will never be able to get a GOOD JOB! The curse will rest in your kidneys! Submit, J-Dragon! I HAVE SNAAAAAAAACKS!"

This gets a few chuckles but not a lot. Dope humor is not too cutting edge in Japan, where DRUG remains kind of a unified imagery. Then a finger is pointed at her. Maria mimes it. Then she backs away as the Dragon Emperor strikes a pose, sweeping an item off the floor and raising it upwards to defend herself as the flash strikes the mystery object.

Then Koto kloses and lays the smack down and --

The giant thing... SQUEAKS.

Feathers fly. Because beneath what had looked like a giant down pillow, is... a massive squeaker.

And it squeaks out the opening notes of

A CERTAIN SONG: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-wcul17Dx74

Maria looks out to the crowd as the down falls away and she is left holding a massive rubber chicken. She then raises it to her mouth, blows into it, making the chicken's tummy pooch out, and twists it around to chain-bap the Dragon Emperor onthe head, abruptly concluding with a twist to hook her leg in under his ankle and yank his leg out from under him!

COMBATSYS: Koto blocks Maria's Armed Combo.

[        \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  ////////////////////////      ]
Koto             0/-------/--=====|=====--\-------\0            Maria

[KOTO]
Koto brings up the larp sword to block the incoming chicken. The ensuing chicken noises and the whacking of the sword is easily heard throughout the audience. Said chicken noises are kinda annoying. And it shows with Koto as one does get through to bap him across the head. At least until he brings up a new toy of his own.

This one looks like some sort of shotgun. "Enough with the chicken!" He says, then pulls the trigger on the gun that causes a small flag to pop out. He pauses, looks at the gun, then sighs and chunks it aside. "Crazy props... uh..."

Then he steps over the leg hooking to spin as she tries. He seems to consider, then moves suddenly and swings the foam sword at her, swiping before spinning as he unleashes a twisting wave of prismatic energy in an attempt to yank her and allow him to get behind her.

Then comically, a prop of a certain comic thunder god comes to his hand and he tries to return the chicken baps with it by bapping her over the head. "Taste the power of the mighty J-Dragon, you naughty witch!"

COMBATSYS: Maria dodges Koto's Tsunami Sweep.

[         \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  ////////////////////////      ]
Koto             0/-------/--=====|=====--\-------\0            Maria

[MARIA]
"That's what this is all for," Maria-half hisses to Koto. "We're having to replace what's his name who's probably getting a massage right now."

SOMEWHERE ELSE

A noted prop comic looks at the camera while he receives a Thai massage. He winks and gives a thumbs up.

HERE, NOW - Koto twists her up and another one of those prideful bursts of light makes her stagger forwards, arching her back. And then the chicken swings downwards on a punishing stroke and -

*despacito*

It gets stuck.

On one of those foamcore horns she was wearing in her headdress. Maria looks upwards as the foam cracks and the helmet falls loose, revealing her sensible short haircut which has a distinctly mom-like flare, underneath all of that Rita-esque headpiece draping and wrapping.

Maria looks at Koto.

She raises a hand to her mouth as if to say something coquettish or to do one of those noblewoman's laughs. Wait, no, she put something in between her teeth --

GREEN MIST! Sudden and sharp into his face!

After this she slides forwards again, arm coming up as she aims to hook her elbow in against his Adam's apple - which is not in and of itself a problem, kind of weird but not a problem, except for when she swings herself behind him to grasp her other hand and starts to squeeze like a nutcracker vise!

"Hahhh - this is a little irregular but if I have to get my arm dirty with the accursed dirt of a Dragon Emperor's stinky neck, I'll do it!! All for the glory of"

Maria's eyes go up to nearby signs. "Sony- Detective Pikachu - Boss!!"

COMBATSYS: Koto auto-guards Maria's Hadaka-jime San.

[         \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  ///////////////////////       ]
Koto             0/-------/--=====|=====--\-------\0            Maria

[KOTO]
Koto blinks a few times as the helmet just... falls apart. And he stares for a moment, then ducks quickly as he sees her do something. That green mist passes over his head, and even worse he's not blinded whenever she tries to put on that vice hold.

Instead, the younger teen is spinning around on the floor, and away from her front as he spins twice then comes up with a hand aimed to get at the palm of her back as his other, which happens to be glowing, reaches to grab the arm that was going to go around his neck and attempt to twist it behind her back instead. With what looks like someone's prop candy cane stick... wherever the hell that came from.

"Uh... wait, we allowed to say those names in this?" He questions, "And Dragon Emperor was that wave move. Try J-Dragon or something.

COMBATSYS: Koto successfully hits Maria with Becoming the Moon.
- Power hit! -

[           \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  //////////////////            ]
Koto             0/-------/=======|=======\==-----\1            Maria

[MARIA]
'Are we allowed to say those names in this?'

MARIA seizes up.

And in that moment, she loses! Well, she does not "lose" in the sense of being instantly defeated, but she loses the struggle of the clash as the momentary panic that her SNF debut is going to be OVERDUBBED when it is already looking to be a middle-card match distracts her - lets Koto get behind HER - and worst of all, her trickery has done nothing but give her green lipstick! AND DOUBLE WORST OF ALL -

A candy cane!! "This isn't what Christmas is about," MARIA says hotly. "Christmas isn't about red and white stripes, it's about eating chicken and getting busy!" Having proven herself a true, if deranged, child of Japan, MARIA turns her head to look at Koto - the Dragon Emperor.

"I'm going to teach you the reason for the season," MARIA declaims. She wiggles around a little further in his grasp. "The reason why we do these things, the reason why we fight. You see, Dragon Emperor, it isn't just for the fate of the world that we fight. It is because there is a SYSTEM that guides us here, because we live in a SOCIETY that introduces a false divide between you, the colorful hero, and I, the secondary-colored queen of evil, and my curiously gray and enormous minions! And the only way to overcome that divide is if we - nf -" Twisting a little more, she raises an arm as if to sling it over Koto's shoulder.

"Come together--"

Wait, no, this is a judo move!

A hip throw - aimed at the audience!? Fortunately everyone's seated on outer-comfy natural turf that's been maintained for the sake of children having fun on this roof, even if right now the only children are a bunch of prop comedy nerds.

COMBATSYS: Koto blocks Maria's Koshi Guruma.

[            \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  //////////////////            ]
Koto             1/-------/=======|======-\-------\0            Maria

[KOTO]
Well, there is one thing that can be said for Koto. He's been thrown around so much that blocking a throw like that is easy! Especially whenever she's right there. And he knows something about judo moves. Once her arm goes over his shoulder, he twists to block the hip throw so he isn't going /that/ far. In fact, comically he waves his arms before forward flipping back on to the stage area and doing another as he picks up a stack of juggler's rings. "Hey! We do this to entertain the millions and milllions of fans!" He says, then seems to consider.

He looks at what he has in hand, then looks to Maria and shrugs. Queue a slew of juggling rings being chunked at Maria... with a few rubber chickens and what looks like some bowling pins as well as he just takes to adding anything else in.

"I won't join forces with you anyways! Not until my contract is up!" He declares.

COMBATSYS: Maria blocks Koto's Strong Throw.

[            \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  ///////////////               ]
Koto             1/------=/=======|=======\-------\0            Maria

[MARIA]
Blocking! Blocking! A thousand blocks were not enough for Yueh! Whoever that is.

After the throw, MARIA is not even upwards when the Dragon Emperor is back on stage. She puts her hands on her hips and blows out a cheek-puffing breath of frustration, before he begins to barrage her at short range. She crosses her arms - grinds her teeth - makes an audible "mrrgbrrbmrrrrrrmgh" sound -

And throws herself forwards, arms crossed!

It's a huge body thrust forwards - absolute commitment, Heidern-style - but perhaps she hopes for the element of surprise! If she knocks him over, Maria thinks, she can get ground control--!!

"The only contract is the one I put out on you!" MARIA says in mid-air, which makes her curse herself for skipping improv night. Ugh! Why did she always skip out on it?! Why didn't she make time!!

COMBATSYS: Maria successfully hits Koto with Fierce Strike.

[                \\\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  ////////////////              ]
Koto             1/---====/=======|=======\-------\1            Maria

[KOTO]
"Aw, I didn't know you felt that--" Whatever Koto was about to say as well ends whenever she literally knocks him over. Full over. Probably not quite what she was expecting, but he was quippping a bit and the Dragon Emperor is down on the stage for the moment. He even lands in what looks like some sort pillow... at least until the loud flatus noise and what sounds like another rubber chicken comes out long and drawn out.

Then for some reason, something barks. Reaching under himself, Koto pulls out what looks like a plastic dog. Perfectly black, fluffy dog at that. And he kicks it at Maria to hopefully avoid turning this into some sort of crazy arse wrestling match while he gets up. The standing fight is crazy enough thankyouverymuch!

COMBATSYS: Maria endures Koto's Quick Throw.

[               \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  //////////////                ]
Koto             1/---====/=======|=======\==-----\1            Maria

[MARIA]
And his little dog too.

As she gets back up, MARIA's sparkling evil-queen dress ripples in echo from the thrown dog, her teeth baring as she raises her hands to her forehead. She presses the palms in lightly on the ridge of her eyebrows and she says, "ENOUGH OF THIS."

Looking to the crowd, she says, "Don't you see? Don't you see the cycle here? Ultimate evil must contend with ultimate good but if you changed your tastes, your hopes, your desires - if you sought to become more, to find new ways, new nuances, new paths -- then you'd -"

"I see you frowning," MARIA says, "let me finish--"

"You'd find a NEW REALM of excitement and adventure--"

"But to reach that realm," MARIA says, "we have to destroy the old."

Her eyes widen, widen further, somehow widen further yet. Is that healthy? Probably not, though all that swoopy eye makeup makes this wild-eyed stare more emphatic. As she raises her hands, Maria says, "In the name of darkness itself, Dragon Emperor, I will unleash every single aspect of light, for as you know full well, light and darkness are one together in the kingdom of the heart! It is in the shadow you must find your way, or else you will dance, indeed, on every color of the wind of THE GRAVE!"

Her hands clench into tight fists.

Then her arms explode. For a fleeting moment Koto probably has an impression that she has a bunch of stuff tied around her upper arms, like... roman candles or something? But then it becomes pretty unambiguous given the enormous shower of sparks and screaming weaponry that strikes him, even as Maria lets herself rip loose with a majestic, imperious, over-the-howling-fire "OH HO HO HO HO HO HO HO HOOOOOOOOOOO!"

COMBATSYS: Koto endures Maria's Conclusion ES.

[                       \\\\\\\  < >  /////////////                 ]
Koto             2/<<<<<<</<<<<<<<|===----\-------\0            Maria

[KOTO]
And Koto pretty much disappears in the explosion of roman candles, sparklers, some smoke (did someone toss some smoke bombs?) and some craziness on the side... namely the sound of various props going up in flames, puncturing, or otherwise getting candled to death by who knows what.

When the smoke clears, Koto's costume is rather singed, blackened, but otherwise he looks to be standing! Mostly! And he ensues with the heroic speech, "Destroy the old? Destroy the history? That sounds as if you want to wipe out everything.. I do not care how much you toss things at me. The old is what inspires the new. Myth inspires, legends inspire... and comedy inspires us all!"

Bringing his arms to in front of him to cross at the wrists, he slides his hands up into a rather, for Japanese fans and the 'oohs' and 'aahs' of the audience who recognize the familar gesture, even some mimicing it and wondering which to say it seems due to the well... popularity of the gesture among certain spandex wearing giant heroes.

"In the name of justice, be gone, naughty witch MARIA! AURORAAA BUUUURRST!"

Seriously, Koto might have his gimmick. But well... whoever the hell gave him the ability to literally toss out a prismatic beam of mass destruction? They should be shot. It's still cool, however, and gets some clapping from the audience as the overgrown prismatic light show goes off from his arms. It's just insane that someone stuck a weapon of mass destruction on a young kid, though, right?

COMBATSYS: Koto successfully hits Maria with Aurora Burst.

[                       \\\\\\\  < >  //                            ]
Koto             0/-------/--<<<<<|=======\-------\1            Maria

[MARIA]
"What!? He's survived?! LIKE THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATIC PARTY!?" Maria says as Koto begins to speak. She raises her hands to cover her mouth, then in a defensive gesture as he gathers his force - and one hand goes forwards to pull loose a key thread as she braces for it.

But her secret plan is, in part, defeated. The blast of the PRISMATIC BEAM strikes her dead on, and her big exciting action plan... well, it will be lost to the mists of history. Instead...

INSTEAD: Send the crowd home happy. Maria hops backwards a little, struck and then pedalling backwards as she lets out a deep, ringing, throat-clearing S C R E A M of dismay - and her dress bursts off of her! It hangs in the air, sparkling in the prismatic light of Koto's passion, as Maria staggers backwards and leaps off stage right, crying as she does, "I SHALL RETURN, J-DRAGOOOOOOON!"

Before...

Disappearing from view!

(Afterwards she comes up and is revealed to be wearing gym shorts and a tank top. Strange, it didn't look like she had a tank top on in that dress. Sorcery?)

COMBATSYS: Maria takes no action.

[                       \\\\\\\  <
Koto             0/-------/--<<<<<|

COMBATSYS: Maria can no longer fight.

[                       \\\\\\\  <
Koto             0/-------/--<<<<<|

COMBATSYS: Koto has ended the fight here.


[KOTO]
Koto blinks a few times behind his helmet. And his head even stares at the dress flying in the air. Then he looks to the audience and shrugs, "I guess she couldn't keep it on?" He deadpans.

Then once she reappears, he moves over and offers a hand to her, even as he takes off his helmet to reveal that he's just a teenager.

He's all smiles, though, definitely having enjoyed the fight. "Always have to love these SNFs... you never know what they will call you up on next. Thank you. Maria, was it?"

[MARIA]
"Haha - yes, that's right - but all capitals in English letters, professionally," says Ms. Satake, all smiles. She takes the hand.

God I could be his mother if I was careless in high school, Maria thinks.

And that is the moment when Koto truly achieves victory.

Log created on 19:32:27 04/15/2019 by Koto, and last modified on 22:08:09 04/22/2019.