Description: Hungry bear. Robot bear. Two cosplaying bears. EXPLODING BEAR. And a MECHA BEARZILLA. It's more bears than you can... stand. You think I missed a pun didn't you. I GAVE YOU THAT ONE, GUYS.

The second night of Slamfest. That's right... Slamfest is so big, it takes MULTIPLE NIGHTS to get in all the slam. And it takes more than just the main complex, too ... this main event double feature actually takes place on the ROOF of the main arena complex, in a specially arranged arena. The CWA seems to have commissioned three EXTRA blimps, in addition to its own marquee blimp. But rather than providing a birds' eye view of the fights, the blimps are all parked perilously low, as if to allow people to board. Why? Well... maybe it has to do with the banners hanging from the blimps that read "WELCOME TO THE BEAR ENDURANCE SLAM!" And the numerous signs and posters that show pictures of colored bears on parade.

Who's driving this bus? ... A bear is driving that bus. It's tethered by one of the blimps... waiting for the star to make his entrance.

And it's hungry. Hungry like a wolf. A BEAR-WOLF.


"What the f*** am I going to be doing, fighting -bears-," laments Kyo to Yuki, seated at her favorite ice cream parlor, with a glass of Coke in front of him while his girlfriend sips daintily at a root beer float. He looks apathetically disgruntled, like a TV show's on that he doesn't like but he can't be bothered to change the channel 'cause the remote's not actually in his hand.

"I mean, -bears-, what the f***." Yuki gives him her mildly reproving glare and he shakes his head, sighing.

"I know, I know. I said I'd fight and I will. Just... bears? What the hell. Was Zangief not on call this week?"


There's the sound of a motorcycle. A deep, throbbing engine rumble that's more bass than anything else, that thrums into a heart from the feet up. And it's coming from a motorcycle that Kyo is easing into the arena, sitting astride the chopper and smirking.

No one said he couldn't have fun with this. He eases the chopper up, then shuts it down, dismounts, tosses his helmet onto the seat carelessly. His voice is amped as if he'd be mic'ed up before going out.

"Hey guys. What do you say to some roast bear tonight?"

COMBATSYS: [Maroon 5 - Animals] Though one doesn't typically associate the arrival of an army of bears with a soundtrack, there is in fact, one for the entire group. "Maybe you think that you can hide! / I can smell your scent for miles / Just like animals--animals==like animals!" Oh jeez. The chance is high that nobody's paying attention to it though, because a WHOLE SLAM OF BEARS is ready to SLAM!

[\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  <
Slam of Bears    0/-------/-------|

COMBATSYS: [Tim McGraw - My Little Girl] It's not hard to figure out something's wrong when the first twangs of an acoustic guitar rang out over the loudspeaker. "You're beautiful baby, from the outside in... / Chase your dreams! But always know the road / That'll lead you home again. / Go on, take on this whole world, / But to me you know you'll always be-- / My little girl." A nearby blimp has 'LOVE, DAD' displayed on it. They can hear the music for at least a mile out to sea. Saishu Kusanagi is truly a merciless individual.

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Kyo              0/-------/-------|-------\-------\0    Slam of Bears

Kyo's introduction scene is filmed separately, and delayed just a bit as he has to get to the elevator. And the elevator is SLOW. But to the audience, it all plays as one totally continuous sequence! It's really cool!

Until Kyo's quote is replaced with a nifty dissolve to the footage of him exiting the elevator. Fireworks go off. The crowd goes WILD!

And a Tim McGraw song plays to walk him out. What the heck...

The fireworks, however, did not go well with the bear. Or its handler, who makes a terribly disgusted face. The cameraman thankfully does not focus on what the angry, hungry, panicked bear just did to his shoes.

Nope. He just focuses on the bear's face. Tight zoom. Tighter, as a Maroon 5 song plays. It's unlikely that a camera has ever zoomed in quite so tight into a bear's face before. IT LOOKS PISSED.

Cut to a third camera. As Kyo and the bear are shown on opposite ends of the open-air arena.

And the bear just takes off running, drool trailing along from its open jaw as it sees one target and thinks one thing only: FRESH KYO-BURGER.

COMBATSYS: Slam of Bears successfully hit Kyo with PAWS - FAST FORWARD.

[    \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  ///////////////////////////// ]
Kyo              0/-------/-----==|==-----\-------\0    Slam of Bears

Faced with a slavering, angry bear, Kyo briefly entertained the idea that maybe he was not -really- going to be fighting bears. I mean, that's kind of... nonsensical, isn't it? Bears. But they say Zangief trains with bers in the Siberian outlands...

... and as he finds out, all too quickly and all too soon, these are in fact real bears. He finds out because the bear's jaws don't get a solid bite--but they do lacerate his skin and tear through his clothing and inflict some serious damage. He sounds in a combination of pain and dismay, tearing himself free of the bear, then growls.

Okay, fighting bears is stupid but getting mauled by one--on TV or not--is not even an option. Kyo leaps forward, cocking a fist back and hammering it for one of the bear's eyes, yelling a short, sharp kiai.

COMBATSYS: Slam of Bears blocks Kyo's Aggressive Strike.

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Kyo              0/-------/-----==|==-----\-------\0    Slam of Bears

These are in fact, real bears. FROM MOTHER RUSSIA! It's hard to ship them for very far. Especially in blimps.

Speaking of which, the blimp directly behind the elevator is starting to unload a surprise. The gondola for this one doesn't shake very much ... but it does wobble with a very consistent meter and rhythm. Almost as if...

Really. Not ALL the bears are real. This one's a damn robot! And it looks like it too, as it's only got a fraction of the tenacity of the big bruin that had seems to have dealt some serious damage to Kyo. The robot bear just keeps on walking on towards Kyo, seemingly oblivious to the first bear... will it come anywhere close to Kyo? Not for a while...

The bear sees the incoming attack and shrinks away, turning itself sharply so that Kyo smacks it in the massive meaty shoulder instead.

But ... the bear is NOT finished with him yet! He decides... yes sir, could he have another?! The bear surges forth, aiming to lash its claws across Kyo -- to start off by knocking Kyo to the ground first, and then leap onto him and try to use its massive girth to great advantage. Maybe after this he can take Kyo to the MAUL.

COMBATSYS: Slam of Bears successfully hit Kyo with Combo Mauling.
+=+=!= Power Slam! =!=+=+

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Kyo              1/-------/=======|==-----\-------\0    Slam of Bears

Kyo Kusanagi might be the premiere (only) scion of the House of Kusanagi and heir to an important destiny, but the bear? It doesn't give a damn about any of that. Kyo, already hurting, tries to defend the initial swipe--but the bear is just too strong, and it smashes his guard open, throwing Kyo to the ground. It's a violent struggle to get away from the bear, and he doesn't manage it without further injury.

By now, playing to the crowd is the furthest thing from Kyo's mind. He's hurt, he's pissed, and he's a little scared. It's not a good combination, certainly not one conducive to good decision making. A good decision would be to call the fight, and get the -eff- out.

Kyo? He doesn't do that. 'Cause he's kind of stupid. So instead he lunges forward, getting right in the bear's face, then exploding upwards in a powerful, twisting lariat--drawing a helix around him as his fists flare with that Kusanagi flame, adding an explosive taste to the impact.

COMBATSYS: Kyo knocks away Slam of Bears with 100 Shiki - Oniyaki.

[             \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  ////////////////////          ]
Kyo              1/------=/=======|=======\-------\0    Slam of Bears

"The first bear got some good tags in, but MAN. Did it ever get Kyo PISSED?!" One of the commentators just had to get their fill in... does anyone ever actually listen to those guys?

At this point, though... the other handlers are starting to get a little trigger happy. They have tranquilizer guns, and they also have regular rifles. Because let's face it, tranqs won't work well on anything as large as a bear, and after that attack, they're gonna need something acting fast.

It'd be even better if the handlers had a chance to use those weapons, though... because as soon as the first bear gets set on fire, blasted upwards, and knocked backwards... well, the two OTHER blimps experience a small... problem.

See. Their bears have been watching the fight. And they want a piece of the action. Er, Kyo-burger.

There's one with a white headband.

And one with a red headband.

And both of them get released together, at the same time. And they both come charging for Kyo, even as their fallen brethren staggers, dazed, towards the center of the arena.

The bears come charging for Kyo in synchronicit-- wait. Did... did the bears just WINK at one another? They're DOUBLE TEAMING KYO, hoping that by working in concert they can squish him between them in a synchronized attack!

W-wait. Did anyone notice when they started playing Beethoven?

COMBATSYS: Kyo fails to counter FUR ELISE from Slam of Bears with Ge Shiki - Ryuu Iri.

[                 \\\\\\\\\\\\\  < >  ///////////////////           ]
Kyo              1/----===/=======|=======\-------\1    Slam of Bears

Two bears. Two. This is going beyond an indignity. Two -trained- bears. This isn't... this isn't even wrestling. Kyo is flustered, and it shows as he is surrounded by the two, the defense he tries to put up for naught.

Once again he has to struggle free, and he's looking distinctly the worse for wear for it, his clothes bloodied and torn and his body not much better off. Hell, he even looks a little punch drunk, but, gamely, he puts his fists up. SNF won't let the bears eat him on live TV.


... right?

Two bears... one Kyo.

Actually it was four bears. But the mecha bear was moving SO SLOW.

The arena floor splits a bit. It's subtle, it's hard to notice, especially when two bears are deciding to make a Kyo Sandwich instead of a Kyo-burger... but the fact remains that the arena floor is moving to allow a gap between the two halves!

And that's where the mecha bear happened to be marching. OOPS. It falls down, likely to land on a net or something before harassing the two ladies fighting below.

The first bear's trainer guides -it- into the gap as well. So mean!

So yeah. Maybe the bears =won't= eat Kyo. Maybe... they'll just...

A NEW CHALLENGER HAS ENTERED THE RING! Oh... Oh damn, no, it's just another FREAKING BEAR. ... Nope. This one's VERY obviously a mechanical bear, and it's very obviously... got rocket engines strapped to its haunches. ... What?! "MARINES! SERGEANTS! ATTACK!" is a random voice clip played on the loudspeakers... what in the hell is going on?!

Oh. The bear is now rocketing towards Kyo, aiming to plow right into him. The white-headbanded bear and the red-headbanded bear hang back -- but the rocket bear is vibrating a bit too much, it doesn't even look like it will survive the impact! Is it going to... EXPLODE?!

(protip: probably)

COMBATSYS: Kyo interrupts THE RED BEARON from Slam of Bears with Ura 108 Shiki - Orochinagi+.
+ Epic Hit! +

[                     \\\\\\\\\  < >  /////                         ]
Kyo              0/-------/---====|=======\-------\1    Slam of Bears

Two words: Hell no.

Better yet, three words: _Oh_, hell no.

Kyo has had enough of this. He is a -champion- (in his own mind), one of the best martial artists -in the world- (in his own mind), and the heir to a powerful tradition. His destiny does not include -rocket bears-.

It happens very fast. Extremely fast. A slowed down replay will show this: As the rocket bear begins its charge, suddenly, Kyo is bursting into flames. Sheathed in fire from head to toe, he pulls his right hand across his left and holds it high.

Somehow.. he starts moving, sliding forward, and as he does he sweeps that right hand out in a backhand motion. And that...

... that unleashes all that fire into a single gout, slamming outwards from Kyo to engulf not just the rocket bear but the other bears, a roaring sheet of pure flame that lights up the entire damn rooftop arena like it were the center of a massive bonfire.

.. it might as well be, actually, for all that. Kyo slides to a halt, panting, looking down to realize that--even if he destroyed the rocket bear, the shrapnel definitely did its thing--and he staggers, almost dropping to one knee. And then...

He stands, raising his fist defiantly. The expression on his face says it all: "F*** YOU, BEARS".

Those bears just got ruin't. BRUIN'T!!

The exploding bear detonated just as Kyo planned -- MESSILY WITH LOTS OF SHRAPNEL. And the bears with headbands? They got lit on fire. You ever smell singed bear fur before? Freakin TERRIBLE. Luckily out here in the crisp autumn air it's not half as bad as it would be inside the arena...

Oh. Sucks to be those people down there who have to put up with FLAMING RYU AND KEN bears falling on their heads.

But even as Kyo's blown up one bear and immolated three others... there's still one more bear waiting in the wings.

The gondola behind Kyo shudders. Strains. And eventually gives way, as the joints within the monstrous mechanical bear slide out and expand to create the ultimate ursine usurper.


The blimp ruptures from the strain, the operators just barely managing to get out before the entire blimp loses integrity, probably dealing a serious amount of damage to those folks parked below. Screw them, this is AWESOME! A twenty-foot tall mechanical bear lumbers towards Kyo...

Okay. That's about all it's capable of doing: lumbering. Because it's gonna fall right down onto Kyo and probably shake the whole damn arena complex as it lands. WHOOPS.

COMBATSYS: Slam of Bears can no longer fight.

[                     \\\\\\\\\  <
Kyo              0/-------/---====|

COMBATSYS: Kyo dodges Slam of Bears' MECHA BEARZILLA.

[                     \\\\\\\\\  <
Kyo              0/-------/---====|

... Kyo looks at the lumbering mechanical bear disdainfully. He waits until just about the last moment...

... and then he steps back. He crosses his arms, glaring balefully at the trainers who just tried to crush him with a 20-foot mechanical bear. And then dismissively, he turns on his heel and walks over to the elevator he took up to the rooftop arena.

Once he's down at the bottom, he glances around, raises a fist in triumph, then climbs onto his chopper. Time... to go home, to pick up Yuki, and to go back to the ice cream parlor. He'll blow the doors open if they're not open.

Log created on 20:00:13 11/15/2014 by Slam of Bears, and last modified on 11:47:19 11/16/2014.