Match of the Millennium

It's an early summer dawn, and a cool ocean breeze blows through the gleaming orange streets of Sunshine City. The back yard of the Ryu Zui Ken dojo is empty save for the chirping of songbirds as a half-asleep Constance Coalbridge emerges from the building alone, dressed in a stretchy black and purple tank top and a new pair of snug grey yoga pants. She's just tucking her earbuds in, finding her place in the podcast she's been listening to on her phone. As the podcast begins to play, she steps to the front of the space she's set out for herself in Mountain Pose and closes her eyes, inhaling, and slowly bringing her arms up to stretchover her head. "Ahimsa is non-violence, and has a wider positive meaning of love. The prerequisites of ahimsa include abhaya, being free from fear, and akrodha, being free from anger." Easy for you to say, Patanjali. I bet you never signed up for a competition where people try to stab you, or spent three months in Sunshine City, or had some water-bending cake-baking Pippi Longstocking move in on your territory, Coco thinks as she exhales, releases her arms and bends forward into Uttanasana. "Satya means truthfulness in thought, word and deed. Just how Mahatma Gandhi stated 'Truth is God and God is truth," the mind must think truth, the tongue must speak the truth and the actions must reflect the truth. There must be control of speech, which facilitates charity to others and roots out malice, and this helps them gain respect from all." Okay, sure, except have you ever tried speaking the truth nowadays? Coco questions Patanjali in her head. If everybody said what they meant then we'd just be getting in scraps all the time. Like Hawksley. He's always saying exactly what he thinks and he gets punched in the face more than anyone. And if I were to say what I really think, I'd be opening myself up to all sorts. Coco inhales, coming into flat back, before exhaling and shifting into plank position, straightening her hips with her legs and back. "Asteya indicates not stealing. A desire to possess the others have creates a need to steal, which results in a breach of trust, misappropriation and misuse." Finally, some decent advice, Coco thinks as she exhales and brings her knees, chest and chin to the ground, leaving her butt in the air. Obviously, Chevy is trying to woo Hawksley - who is clearly hers, regardless of the fact that she's been utterly discreet about whatever relationship they might have - by acting all down-to-Earth and girl-next-door and make her look like some sort of Cruella DeVille. Those girls always get the bloke in the romcoms and Hallmark movies, stealing them away from the supposedly 'high maintenance' and 'bitchy' fiancee who clearly just has -standards- and is -honest.- NOT THAT I'M HIS FIANCEE. "Brachmacharya. This indicates a life of celibacy, religious study and self-restraint. In modern times, it is the art of consistency..." Okay, Mary Whitehouse, Coco thinks as she inhales and slides forward into a low Cobra, pressing her pelvis into the ground and bending upward from her core. I'm not ready to join a convent just yet. Besides, that would just play into Chevy's hands. She's an American hillbilly; I bet she's all about purity rings and all that. Exhaling, Coco pushes back into Downward-Facing Dog. This yoga stuff is a lot more rubbish than I thought, she thinks. What's the point of getting limber if you're never going to hook up again? "Aparigraha means 'not grasping things,' or non-possessiveness. This practice helps us achieve a balanced relationship with the things that we each call 'mine.'" Mine. That's the word for it, Coco thinks, stepping into forward bend, her fingers touching the ground, and recalling Hawksley watching her assume the same position in yoga class. I've worked hard to be this worthy of notice. She inhales up into flat back. "A yogic maxim says, 'All the things of the world are yours to use, but not to own.'" Right. I'm going to have to make a statement, Coco decides as she exhales back to Uttanasana. Obviously, I can't just say what I've got to say with words. I'm going to have to use my fists and feet and elbows and knees. To make it clear: Lucky is not for her. Lucky is mine. Coco finishes by inhaling and lifts her arms up, then exhaling and coming into mountain pose, her hands in prayer position at her heart. "The following are the inner observances one must imbibe for a peaceful life..." Sod this, Coco thinks, switching to her old-school workout hype list, turning up the volume and thumbing through the tracks. I'm going to go have a proper workout. The song starts to play in her ears as she throws a change of clothes into her Flash Green Stella McCartney Adidas gym sack. o/~ Excuse me, can I please talk to you for a minute?