Match of the Millennium

TOM: "Welcome, ladies, gentlemen, and all of our other friends! I'm Tom Bradley, and with me is my esteemed co-host 'Loveboy' Lou Harris!" LOU: "Yup! And we're back for our third episode of the NFG podcast to cover the rundown of Round 2 of the inaugural NFG season! With us today we've got Team Blaze coach and fellow cutie aficianado 'Zog the Hammer' to share his thoughts on this week of competition. Welcome, Zog! Or do you prefer Hammer?" ZOG: (muffled speech) TOM: "Ah, here, Mister Hammer, you just need to turn this microphone down next to your teeth. I mean... mouth." ZOG: "THANKS, TOM. BY THE WAY, WHERE'S ALL THE PEOPLE WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TALKIN' TO?" LOU: "Uhh, Jason, can we get a level fix on Zog? I mean, Hammer? Back to my question, I guess - do you prefer Zog, or Hammer?" ZOG: "I already said before! Do you prefer 'Lou,' or 'Loverboy?' LOU: "Zog it is, then." TOM: "So, we're all going by three letter names, then. I'm sure that's convenient for whoever's writing the transcript." ZOG: "What's a transcript?" LOU: "It's everything we say, written down. It's mostly for our records. I don't think anybody reads it anyway." ZOG: "So whatever I say, somebody's gotta write it down?" TOM: "Yes, that's true, Zog." ZOG: "Heh heh heh... I LOVE BOO-" *COMMERCIAL BREAK* TOM: "Welcome back everybody! So, Lou, this was perhaps one of our most controversial weeks yet, and that's not even getting into Brian Storm versus John Doe." LOU: "Indeed. Theft of NFG property, assault on an NFG participant, clandestine rendezvous between opposing team members..." TOM: "Actually, it turned out that wasn't theft. It was illegal parking." LOU: "Oh, yeah. Kind of a letdown. So, whatcha want to talk about first?" ZOG: "Howsabout..." (Continued in next post!)

ZOG: "...Cuties!" LOU: "I'd love to discuss cuties with you, Zog, but I think we're gonna have to be more specific. Maybe we should save it for the match rundown. Were there any cuties in the news?" ZOG: "Actually, there's loads of pictures of the cuties on the 'Internet.'" TOM: "An intriguing rabbit hole, but does it have anything to do with NFG?" ZOG: "I found a place where they do pictures of Chevy, and one where they do pictures of Coco, and one where they do pictures of Djamila! There was even one with pictures of Cutie Ayala!" LOU: "Oh! You're talking about the fan sites that have been popping up for some of our fighters. Yeah, some of the communities have been growing pretty quickly. There were even some fans showing up at the matches." ZOG: "Yeah, all those muscle-y guys makin' pictures with Coco! I mean, muscle-y for humans. If she wanted to make pictures with a real muscle-y guy..." TOM: "I believe I may have come across those gentlemen online." LOU: "So they think of you as Tasty?" TOM: "Most likely. By the way, have you heard the goss about Chevy being seen going into the Team Blaze dojo alone to meet a certain someone?" ZOG: "WHAT? How come nobody told me we had a guest cutie?" LOU: "I'm surprised you weren't there, Zog. I heard they were baking and everything." ZOG: "Oh, is that where all those apple cakes I ate came from?" TOM: "Seems probable. I will say, though, I think we should mention the attack on one of our prospects." ZOG: "It wasn't me." LOU: "If there's anyone who probably never needs an alibi for a crime, Zog, it's you. You're right, though, Tom. The attack was horrific. Fortunately, it seems that Djamila is okay, and will be able to compete in the next round." TOM: "Indeed. The fact that the perpetrator managed to avoid the security provided by Team Metal is concerning, but I'm sure that everything will be tightened up now. How do you handle safety issues like that as a sponsor, Zog?" ZOG: "I smash 'em. Why? Did anybody tell yous I wasn't good at keepin' watch? WAS IT A REDHEAD?!" TOM: "N-no, Zog!" LOU: "Jeez, this reminds me of that interview with Yashiro Nanakase." (Continued in next post!)

TOM: "So, why don't we get into the matches themselves? I suggest we start with the first match of the round, Coco versus Djamila." ZOG: "Good choice, Tom! So, this was a fight between two cuties! Possibly two of the top five cutie-booties in the New Fighty Generation! Djamila had on a sexy outfit! Especially the blindfold! Kinky! I give it eight out of ten hammers." TOM: "I, uhh, I'm not sure -" LOU: "Quiet, Tom. Let the master work his craft." ZOG: "Thanks Lou! Anyways, Coco was supposed to be wearin' somethin' sexy too, but I think somebody stole the box she was gonna put them in, so she was wearin' her sweaty trainin' clothes! The sweatiness was kinda hot, but it's sexier if they don't start out that way, and those pants make her booty cutier, but it wasn't as cute as the outfit she wore last time. Six outta ten hammers. Except for when her pants fell down, like in this picture. Then it was nine outta ten hammers!" TOM: "Fortunately, our, uh, audience can't see the picture. It shows Coco partially disrobed from the waist down, giving a victory V to the audience." LOU: "Yes. Fortunately. Hey, Zog, which site did you say you get your pictures from?" ZOG: "This one is called... uhhh... 'Purple Pride.'" LOU: "Good to know. Do they do old school Lyraelle as well?" TOM: "As for the actual fight, both fighters really gave it their ass, but in the end, only one ass earned the desired return on investment." LOU: "And as you mentioned, Coco was the one flashing the victory V when all was said and done, continuing what has actually been a fairly dominant run in the NFG so far." TOM: "I thought the way that she adapted her defense to Djamila's exotic attack patterns was quite impressive." LOU: "It took her some time, though - it was real close until she managed to pull out some big moves and seal the deal right at the end." ZOG: "I say... COCO won this fight." TOM: "That's, uhh... well chosen, Zog. Well chosen." (Continued in next post!)

TOM: "So, next match: Kenzo versus Hawksley." LOU: "Did you have any thoughts you wanted to lead with, Zog?" ZOG: "They ain't on my cutie list. You're gonna hafta find someone else to rate their cuteness." TOM: "What about the actual fighting?" ZOG: "Well, Coco told me Hawksley was a troll, so with them fightin' under a bridge, I thought this was gonna be easy peasy for my boy Hawksley. Home advantage. Trolls is always best under the bridge, that's why you gotta lure 'em out. But Kenzo, he fights real quick 'n sneaky, like a goat. You know, Hawksley mighta been okay, but I think Coco came along and distracted him. Them two is always sneakin' off, you know." LOU: "Oh, is that so? But don't you think Kenzo could have been distracted by Djamila showing up to show her support?" ZOG: "Kenzo had those things over his eyes! How's he supposed to see the cutie on his team if he's wearin' those?" TOM: "Sound logic, sir. Perhaps you could consider getting Hawksley some glasses so that he isn't so easily distracted." ZOG: "Yeah, that's a good idea!" LOU: "So, with Kenzo taking this one, Blaze was one and one against Metal." ZOG: "HEY! I didn't say Kenzo won!" TOM: "Um -" ZOG: "But I guess it's fair. Besides, it ain't a cutie contest." LOU: "For some. Anyway, this snapped Kenzo's losing streak, and with him taking the win off of one of the hottest prospects on the roster, it's a big move for him." TOM: "Indeed. We'll have to see if this gives him some momentum heading into Round 3!" (Continued in next post!)

TOM: "And that brings us to our next fight: Genie versus Ichika." LOU: "Take it away, Zog." ZOG: "So, this is another tale of two cuties. Except, it's different kindsa cutie, 'cause one is cute like a baby and the other is cute like for makin' babies." LOU: "Lechery has never sounded so vague, yet distasteful." TOM: "As your co-commentator, I can confirm." ZOG: "Do I need to 'splain the difference better?" LOU: "Absolutely not." ZOG: "Okay, if you're sure. Anyways, Itchy is a sweet gal. She was real nice at the soup kitchen, when everyone else was actin' crazy. Plus, her outfit was cute. But Genie is magic, and she fights with her butt, which might mean she has a magic butt. Overall, I say it's a tie." TOM: "Except for the part where Genie knocked Ichika out first after a series of brutally clean hits." ZOG: "Well, yeah. I'm just talkin' cutie scores. Eight outta ten for both!" TOM: "So, just to make sure I understand the system, cuties are scored on outfits, magicalness, fighting with their butts, and whether or not they end up in their underwear?" ZOG: "Duh. It's the system all ogres use." LOU: "Weirdly, this doesn't sound too different from some of the forums I've seen." (Continued in next post!)

TOM: "Well, that anthropological expedition has been truly enlightening, but we should move on to the next match: Ayala versus Chevy." ZOG: "I dunno if I can talk about this one, you guys." LOU: "Why not, Zog? It's got Ayala, it's got fruit... I woulda thought this would be your thing." ZOG: "Yeah! Cutie Ayala, who sent me all those messages then never showed up! Then she goes looking for fruit with Chevy instead after my melons got smashed by the scary ghost cutie!" TOM: "I take it that's still a sore spot, Zog." ZOG: "What's wrong with my melons, man?!" LOU: "Zog, look at it this way. Did you see how much fruit these ladies ruined during their fight?" ZOG: "Uhh, yeah...?" LOU: "Maybe Ayala just hates fruit." ZOG: "But she drank a whole jug of fruit juice!" LOU: "Maybe she only likes juice?" ZOG: "...Hmm..." TOM: "So, we will have an official 'cutie score' for Ayala and Chevy?" ZOG: "...Okay. Ayala gets the most points for cutie outfits. Plus, she knows how to fight like a real fighta. But Chevy gets points for havin' red hair and... huh. If Chevy makes Ayala all slippy, does that mean Chevy gets the cutie points, or does Ayala get the cutie points?" LOU: "That's an interesting philosophical challenge, Zog. I say the points go to Chevy." ZOG: "Alright. So they're tied at eight cutie points each." TOM: "This cutie competition is turning out to be quite heated." (Continued in next post!)

LOU: "So, with one win for each team so far, and a five-way tie in the cutie competition, we move on to..." TOM & LOU & ZOG: "BRIAN STOOOOORM!" LOU: "...versus John Doe. In a funeral home!" TOM: "With the absence of John Doe's entourage and a quiet entrance from Brian Storm, this started as a surprisingly subdued affair." LOU: "Until Brian started taking his clothes off while talking about his grandma Junie." ZOG: "I don't see why Brian didn't just start with his clothes off. It's the best way to fight! That's why I only wear this!" TOM: "For those listening, Zog is currently indicating his loincloth." LOU: "Should we play the customary Brian Storm soundbytes for this one?" TOM: "I don't see why not." ==*== AUDIO CLIP ==*== JOHN: "HRRRRRRRGGH!" BRIAN: "Welcome to the NFG, John Doe! Nobody's hair is safe!!!" *CRASH* *THUMP* BRIAN: "No! NO! Not the door! NOOO! JAY-DEE! PEEEOPLE ARE SLEEEEPING!!!!" *CRUNCH* *THUMP THUTHUTHUMP THUMP THUMP* BRIAN: (quietly) "Good, they're still asleep. Let's try and keep it that way!" AM RADIO: "Is he going to do it? Yes... I think he is! Here it comes... the Thunderhead!" ==*== END AUDIO ==*== LOU: "I can't believe that radio happened to be broadcasting the replay of Brian's last match right as he was getting ready to use the same move again." TOM: "I can't believe that embalmer managed to sleep through Brian and John falling down the stairs." LOU: "I can't believe he managed to fall asleep in a room regularly filled with dead bodies in the first place." ZOG: "I can't believe Brian lost! We were trainin' all week!" LOU: "What does your training regimen involve?" ZOG: "Mostly Brian drivin' me around to get burritos and lookin' for redheads on Corona Row." LOU: "No idea how that didn't work out for him. Unlucky, I guess." ZOG: "You're tellin' me. All the redheads we found were wearin' wigs!" (Continued in next post!)

TOM: "So, that brings us to Sarah versus Buck." LOU: "Is this technically a cutie competition?" ZOG: "Uhh, nah, but we can still count Sarah's cutie points." LOU: "Good to know." ZOG: "So, she gets an extra point for gettin' covered in sticky goo." LOU: "Of course." TOM: "But wait, I thought that Buck gets the cutie points for raising Sarah's cutie level." ZOG: "Don't be a dummy, buddy. Buck can't get cutie points! So Sarah keeps 'em. And she gets points for gettin' her clothes burnt." TOM: "Buck again." ZOG: "So I give her... eight cutie points." LOU: "Wow. I feel like there's a pattern here." ZOG: "Yeah! I talk about the cuties, then yous two talk about the fightin'." TOM: "Well, the competition for cutie points continues. As for the match, we saw Buck losing his cool with all of Sarah's taunting." LOU: "And literally, considering all that fire he was breathin'. I get it, though. Havin' your opponent spend half the match tellin' you you gotta be faster or try harder can get in your head." ZOG: "It's easy to talk like that till you get smacked in the face with a club!" TOM: "Unfortunately, Buck didn't have a club on hand, and ended up taking the loss after an incredibly close fight." (Continued in next post!)

TOM: "And we're back! So, controversially, our next match was supposed to be Iris versus Nixie, but instead Team Metal supplied a substitute in the form of NFG dropout Amber Riley." LOU: "Not only does this mean Nixie will have to remain unrated in the cutie competition, but it also meant the first week of no points for Nixie." TOM: "Reportedly there were side effects of some kind of chemical experiment Nixie was involved in to try and reverse the effects of her... 'goblin curse.'" ZOG: "She shoulda asked a shaman how to get rid of it! They coulda gave her a potion to make her a humie again!" TOM: "Actually, that's exactly what she tried." ZOG: "Oh." LOU: "Would you ever take a potion to make yourself human, Zog?" ZOG: "Why would I wanna do that?" LOU: "I dunno. Being able to fly on a single seat reservation?" ZOG: "You can't trick me, buddy. Humies can't fly." TOM: "What about... you know... bein' more handsome for the ladies?" ZOG: "Zog is the handsomest of ogres. If ladies don't want this, too bad for them." LOU: "Yeah, Tom. Let's not body shame our guests. So, Iris versus Amber. Zog?" ZOG: "Well, Iris is a cutie. And a magic cutie!" LOU: "As we know, that means bonus points." ZOG: "And she's one of Zog's cuties. So that's another point." TOM: "A truly impartial system." ZOG: "The other chickie had a cute outfit, though. And she did a real sexy kick when she knocked out Iris." LOU: "Zog, I bet I can guess how many points you're gonna give both of these two." ZOG: "Not if I can first! It's EIGHT points for Amber AND Iris!" LOU: "I... gosh, Zog. How did you do that?" (Continued in next post!)

TOM: "So, that brings us to our last match: Buford versus Tamaki, brought to you by the fine folks at George Eddow Ford Dealership." LOU: "How many cutie points will Buford win?" ZOG: "I ain't givin' him any." TOM: "I have to say, that F-150 was looking quite impressive." LOU: "You mean the one with the beautiful tanuki lady lying across it like she was expecting to be painted?" ZOG: "Heh. Tamaki was lookin' real cutie-booty! Then she got even cuter-booter!" TOM: "Cuter-booter? You mean when she turned into her usual form?" ZOG: "Uhh, yeah. Anyways, she gets outfit points and a point for drinkin'." LOU: "And it adds up to eight." ZOG: "Wha - hey! How'd you know?" LOU: "I think I've got this ogre cutie points system figured out." ZOG: "Oh yeah? I'm still workin' on it." TOM: "Shouldn't we discuss how thoroughly Tamaki thrashed Buford -" LOU: "So, to break it down: if one of the fighters is aiming to get maximum cutie points in future rounds, they need to dye their hair red, learn how to use magic if they don't know already, join Team Blaze, wear a sexy outfit, fight with their butt, get themselves and their opponent wet or sticky, have their clothes burnt off, wind up in their underwear at some point in the match, get drunk, hand out soup at a soup kitchen, and knock out their opponent with a real sexy kick." ZOG: "Uhhh... yeah, that sounds right." LOU: "You heard it here, ladies. I look forward to seeing who can win the Ogre Cutie Challenge in the next round, since apparently this one was a draw." TOM: "To be fair, I will also be impressed if any of our non-lady fighters can accomplish all of those things." ZOG: "Wha?!" LOU: "Indeed, let's not discriminate." ZOG: "But -" TOM: "And by the way, we've had a report that the winner of the Lucky Chloe Beach Cleanup has been determined." LOU: "Tune in to the NFG broadcast tomorrow to find out the result!"