Description: It is the battle that will decide the fate of the universe, and reveal the secret and most sinister plot behind this senseless violence. One woman, mighty and beautiful. One robot, drunken and depressed. One fights for a brighter future. One doesn't want to disappoint its tyrannical ruler. With the stars as their battleground, once again god and man must clash. Except she's not a man. And he's, let's face it, a pretty pitiful excuse for a god. (Winner, Champion, and Official Greatest Warrior in the Galaxy: Vanessa)
Like a distant star, the far-off Earth is a luminous pinhole in the black velvet of space, its vibrant color still only hinting at the dynamism of life being lived there. All too distant, perhaps, and too gentle a hint. Here, upon these ivory steps, the concerns of the everyday seem all too likely to be forgotten.
But the splendor of this palace cannot be denied, as magnificent a sight as one's arrival here is inexplicable -- given that the steps themselves descend only into darkness, as though visitors must first emerge from the void. Above that abyss are glittering spires, by all appearances carved from the living rock of some mighty meteor, up to which the mild slope ascends. In fact, as the quiet but persistent whirring eventually must attest, none of this whatsoever is rock; inevitably, one will notice a hint of wire or circuitry, and conclude that this heavenly keep is made not of rock but of metal -- is no moon, but a space station.
And in the vast plaza that one climbs to at the summit of the steps lies animated confirmation of the technological advancements inherent to this place: a man-sized robot, polished red, its little dome-like head recessed into its chest, a baton held powerfully in one claw-like metal hand. At first glance, the sight might be imposing. Yet the movements of this automaton are a bit clumsy. And its head doesn't so much seem oddly shaped as it is straight-up retracted into its body, as if it is perpetually in hiding, its glowing yellow eyes occasionally darting furtively from side to side. And that baton is no specter of command, but a microphone. That seems clear enough, if only because the robot is currently singing into it.
o/~ Welcome champion
o/~ To the realm of dreams
o/~ You kicked some ass
o/~ That's pretty extreme
In betwen verses, the robot shakily withdraws what appears to be a flask of some kind from its inner recesses and takes a swig, swaying quietly on its stubby legs, its massive, rotund body vibrating with its awkward motions. From the black stain that appears around its metal mouthpiece once it draws away the flask, it appears to be drinking some kind of oil.
o/~ They call me Gonzales
o/~ I have metal joints
o/~ Beat me up, and--
o/~ and-- crap!
"Crap!" it says again, in the same robotic monotone, albeit no longer speaker-enhanced, as it lowers the microphone. "I forgot my line. How could I forget my line?" it adds rhetorically, bright eyes darting away, seemingly ignoring everything now. "I'm stressed. That's it. I'm just too stressed. I'm not cut out for this job."
Still swaying vaguely, it takes another long swig of that oil.
Is it... drunk?
A grand, glorious palace amid the heavens. The land of heroes, the throne of champions. It is the most majestic of majesties, the grandest of grandeurs. The glory of glories, home of...of what?
Vanessa staggers up the last couple steps into the broad plaza, huffing and shoving up on her tired legs, and griping, "God /damn/, don't they have elevators in space!? Seriously! I mean, really! Ugh!"
She slumps against the far wall, watching the singing karaoke robot with some confusion, head tipping slowly to the side. "And I'm drunk, apparently," she sighs. "It's no fun if it just /happens/, subconscious, y'hearin' me?"
And then...he's drinking oil. Well, OK, that kind of makes sense. And he's drunk from it. That is...well, what else would oil do to a sensible robot? That's just science.
Vanessa does not know a lot about science.
"AHhhh, ha ha!" Vanessa calls out, walking closer to pat the big lug on his big side. "I've been there before, buddy, I know how that is. Don't you give up, you know? It only gets worse if you stop fightin'."
"Aaahhh!"
Unfortunately, Gonzales reacts poorly to Vanessa's well-intentioned display of empathy and comradery, flinching back like an abused pet. Fortunately, the comical sound of the robot crying out in complete monotone may alleviate however hurtful his negative reaction may be. He clutches his microphone tightly to his chest, in what would be a white-knuckled grasp if he had blood, or knuckles.
"You don't understand," he intones, rounded body quivering, emitting a faint but persistent clank-clank-clank-clank from his metal joints. "No one could possibly understand. We choose you, Gonzales, they said. Become an arbiter of the universe, they said. But I only know how to sing, I said. It's cool, they said. Well, it's not cool!" he shouts, or at least turns up the volume briefly on his ironically unemotive words. He's clearly doing his best to express heartfelt sentiment, the incongruity between that and his robotic tone is, well, inevitable. "You don't know how she is. She's cunning and calculating -- voracious. And she must be appeased!"
With that, Gonzales lifts the mic once more to his oil-stained mouthpiece.
o/~ They call me Gonzales
o/~ I live in the sky
o/~ The strongest is a sacrifice
o/~ That's why you have to die!
He raises both his metal hands above his head, and as he does thunder booms in the distance, which is completely ridiculous because we're in space. Yet with a strange rushing sensation the stars appear from view, becoming streaks of white as the space station suddenly seems to enter hyperdrive, zooming through the galaxy. Wind would be whipping at you if there were any wind. As it is, Gonzales's eyes simply gleam with a forbidding, if somehow troubled, light.
"Surrender, human," it says as though through the grinding of its gears, stepping forward. "When you are scattered into spacedust, the universe will be restored. Don't even think about resisting-- I'm more than just a karaoke machine."
It adds this somewhat unnecessarily, as though it has something to prove. And, as if to prove it, a heretofore hidden latch suddenly opens, part of the robot's midsection slipping aside as a giant boxing glove emerges to repeatedly punch Vanessa in the head.
And, presumably, smash her into oblivion.
COMBATSYS: Gonzales has started a fight here.
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Gonzales [W] 0/-------/------=|
COMBATSYS: Vanessa has joined the fight here.
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Vanessa 0/-------/-------|=------\-------\0 Gonzales
COMBATSYS: Vanessa counters Clean-Up On Isle 7 from Gonzales with Puncher Vision.
-* CRITICAL HIT! *-
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > ////////////////////// ]
Vanessa 0/-------/-----==|===----\-------\0 Gonzales
Vanessa just listens, nodding companionably and feeling around in her pockets to see if the universe has conjured a flask for her. Nope. Fah!!
It's kind of hard to empathize with an unfeeling robot who speaks in a chilling monotone, she thinks. No wonder they mostly do that with evil robots. "Ahhh," she says. "Boss troubles," Vanessa says, with an understanding nod, arms crossing beneath her expansive chest, just standing there with her lips dimpled in seriously. "Yeah, that's real rough. Appeased?"
...
Tessa frowns, eyes narrowing. "Pretty sure I don't like the sound of this appeasing thing," she decides, as she looks up and watches the crash of thunder, the flash of hyperdrive, and Vanessa just kind of frowns, unhappily. "Geeeeze," she says, hands sliding up to grip the top and bottom of her head and jerking to the side, causing a series of loud popping sounds. "You super god robot things like to put on a show, huh? If you wanted to dance, you could've just asked, sugar."
There's a loud CLICK as the latch opens, and Vanessa tips her eyebrow up, still in the process of pulling her black gloves tight against her skin. "Huh," she says, and then it bursts open, and the boxing glove ---
...Does not actually deploy. This is not due to a technical failure. This is because Vanessa surged forward too fast for the eye to track, leaving traces of afterimage behind her as she skates in and lunges a full-bodied haymaker into the center mass of the boxing glove.
The net effect is that /she/ stays put, and because that spring energy has to go somewhere, /Gonzales/ goes flying.
Yes. Yes, he does.
Wailing, at least as much as one can wail with what sounds like an 8-bit chip, Gonzales slides back along the metallic floor, tilts precariously, and then eventually, inevitably, teeters and collapses onto his back with a resounding clang. Several long moments of the dramatic hyperspace backdrop are wasted as the robot wobbles back and forth like a flipped-over turtle, until finally its legs shift beneath it and it is able to lever itself back to a standing position.
"Okay," it intones, "okay, that was impressive. BUT--"
And Gonzales twirls the microphone within his metal grasp.
Yet when he raises it to his quasi-lips, no words emerge: only the sharp sound of blaring synth, booming as his sides shift and the speakers within are revealed, whole body reverberating with the power of the song. So potent is the tune that musical notes emerge from the upraised microphone, presumably for effect.
BEE BWEE BOO BADEEP BAP BOOP
In fact, they are the entirety of the effect: the musical notes scythe through space like glowing blades, aiming to tear into Vanessa herself in all their early-era video game fury.
"Just make this easier on yourself," Gonzales blares. "And on me."
...
"Please, make this easier on me!"
COMBATSYS: Gonzales successfully hits Vanessa with V's Amazing Keyboard.
- CRAZY Hit! -
! VENGEANCE !
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Vanessa 0/-------/-======|====---\-------\0 Gonzales
Vanessa's feet stay grounded, though the ground digs up a little from the power of the transferred forces, while Vanessa follows through powerfully. She hops back to center, bouncing back and forth between her feet, keeping herself limber while she puts her forearm between her and Gonzales, smirking smugly. "C'mon, fat man, you gonna tell me /that/ did you in?"
Nope. "Oh," she says, as he stands up. "Huh, you're pretty limber." She gets ready to move, react -- but it starts...SYNTHING. "AUGH!" Vanessa yells, thrown off her guard. "Club music! /Bad/ club music! That's just /dirty/!" And then the musical notes slam into her, and Vanessa yells out in a different kind of pain as she staggers back and flops down on her butt, singed and thoroughly musiced. She grabs at her bright red tie, yanking on it to loosen it up. "Jeeeeeze, that was terrible." She levers up, dusting off her arms and legs, and says, "Can't you at least get a better chip in there? That was just vile. I'm gonna make your life harder just for /that/." She charges in again, sprinting across the distance before suddenly no longer being running and instead simply /being/ in Gonzales' grill, arm pulled back. "Now /lie down/," she commands, and slugs his mighty barrel chest.
COMBATSYS: Gonzales counters Hook Punch from Vanessa with No Scrubs.
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Vanessa 1/-----==/=======|=====--\-------\0 [W] Gonzales
"Bad? /Bad/!? It appears," synths the clanking robot as it lowers its deadly microphone, "that there remain philistines in this universe who remain unfamiliar with DJ Gonzales's Hot Disco Beats Volume Three. Pitchfork," he adds after a moment, "gave it a 7.6." Another brief pause, "That's basically a perfect."
t"Anyway," it continues as Vanessa loosens her tie and gets back into the fight, "I'll clearly have to rectify that situation-- by removing you from the universe!" Or by playing DJ Gonzales's Hot Disco Beats Volume Three, which would likely have a similar effect, but you didn't hear that from me. The hot boxer lunges in and gets, quite literally, up in his grill -- there is in fact a big grill right there -- and moves in to slam that mighty fist directly against the ex-training robot's metal chest.
But this time, the glove is faster.
Gonzales manages to punch Vanessa's assault out of the way with a stinging blow, knocking it across her body to foul up attempts at defense before swiftly hammering home a series of fierce spring-loaded strike, gears grinding as it bleeps aggressively with every attack. "You're tough," it monotones as it dishes out one final blow, "but you're no Crono!"
Then, just to add insult to injury, it starts blaring its theme song.
She swings in for the hammerblow, and--!
WHOMP
WHOMP WHOMP
KAPOW
Vanessa arcs into the air from that spring-loaded uppercut (because springs can do that), sailing around her center of gravity and landing flat on her face, followed closely by the rest of her. "oogh," she groans, hands slapping down into the tile, slowly peering bleerily upward. "OK," she says, slowly, shaking the fuzz out of her head. "Right, rapid-fire boxing glove. That's kinda clever. Ow."
She angles up to her knees, sliding to her feet and rolling her shoulder to try and get back in fightin' groove. "Maybe I'm not the main character, but..."
And then she holds up the arm she's just been swinging, sparks of gold light flickering around it, as the flickering lights of eternity play off them from above. "/I've got another guy's moves!!/" she laughs, and blurs forward again, right up into Gonzales' face, swinging one fist down, and the other up to his... ...face, the sparks flashing into long arcs of searing golden light: "HELLION!"
COMBATSYS: Gonzales fails to interrupt Forbidden Eagle from Vanessa with More Like STFU!.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > ////////////////// ]
Vanessa 1/----===/=======|=====--\-------\0 [W] Gonzales
"Oh yeah!?" Gonzales bleeps defiantly, shaking its microphone at Vanessa with a vaguely rusty-sounding screech. "Well, I've got-- I've got all kinds of moves! Like this one--"
And it reaches inside its database for that unfamiliar list, scouring it internally, with all the power of its questionable hardware, with a bleary inward gaze. That search becomes all the more frantic as the boxing champion plunges forward, trailing a blazing light. "No, not that one," it mutters in that everpresent robotic monotone itself, even as the attack commences. "Not that one-- I don't even know what that is--"
Its beady yellow eyes widen, as two fists aim straight for its face.
"Okay, I admit it!" Gonzales wails. "The boxing glove and the music notes! I only know two moves!"
And then he gets punched in the face and falls over.
Vanessa ruthlessly pounds Gonzales even as his slow old-man CPU chugs to try and keep up with her invincible power. One fist down, one fist up - and a flash of chi to make sure he goes flying into the air and then falls right back down. And Vanessa's not done.
Oh, no, not even /close/.
"Oi, oi!" Vanessa yells, grinning. Hyperspace passes by above, blurring stars bearing witness to the impossible battle of middle-aged boxer and slightly glitchy robot machine...thing, as Vanessa finally saunters back over a little ways, and reaches down, and plucks up Gonzales' flask.
No are you serious she is not that crazy, is she!?
She pops the lid off, and laughs, "Just think I'll take a little nip--"
SHE TOTALLY IS
She staggers back and swallows, rather than doing the sane person's choice of, for instance /not swallowing oil/, and she just kind of grins. And then she laughs. And then she CACKLES, feet stomping into the tile, which crack under the sudden enormous force of her UNBRIDLED POWER, booze fumes and oil boiling out of the very air around her as she unleashes the unlimited power of a middle-aged lady drinking things she really, /really/ shouldn't, cackling, "OH MAN! YOU were HOLDIN' OUT ON ME!" as she stomps forward, the ground exploding under her feet, as she gathers up the force of a whirling star into her clenched fist, held overhead. The stars bend around her, flowing down and gathering around her fist, as she cries, "I HATE PEOPLE HOLDIN' OUT ON ME!" as she swings down to smash Gonzales to scrap with a single, omnipotent, /super/ drunk blow!!
COMBATSYS: Gonzales endures Vanessa's Puncher Finish.
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Vanessa 0/-------/---====|=======\-------\1 [W] Gonzales
Gonzales is utterly terrified.
"Aaaaaaaah," goes the lifeless monotone scream, as the clanking robot seeks to struggle to its feet-- too late to prevent Vanessa from consuming the, um, source of its power, the godly robot ambrosia that is the fortified oil to which Gonzales, in his perpetual distress, has become addicted. "Aaaaaaah," continues that same scream, as Vanessa seems to scoop up hyperspace itself with her invincible fist, swirling stars uniting in a blaze of force that becomes one mighty blast.
The robot can tell: this hand of hers glows with an awesome power. Undoubtedly, its burning grip tells her to defeat it. In its unrelenting path, he can only take it: her love, her anger-- and all of her drunkenness.
*BOOM*
Seeking to root himself deep in the metal beneath him only channels the incredible force of Vanessa's strike into the space station itself, causing it to begin to spin wildly, their entire world beginning to spiral out of control, hyperspace becoming a cat's cradle of intersecting, sworling lines. In the midst of all this madness, Gonzales slides, wailing like R2D2 and leaving twin lines of wrenched, shredded metal floor in his wake, rending the floor beneath him as he skids to the very edge of the plaza, teetering on the brink of the darkness.
"...I didn't want to have to do this."
Its voice is distorted, perhaps due to some internal damage.
"But I see now I have no choice."
Once more, Gonzales raises that formidable microphone.
"Prepare yourself... for ultimate annihilation."
And a synth track begins to play, resounding from his mighty speakers, echoed by the contours of the dizzily spinning space station, echoed even by the streaking lights about them, until the galaxy itself seems to respond to the call, that immortal sound permeating the very fabric of reality.
But that track--
That's not Gonzales's Theme.
That's not Gonzales's Theme at all.
COMBATSYS: Gonzales successfully hits Vanessa with Play Them Off Keyboard Cat+.
- CRAZY Hit! -
[ \\\\\\\\ < > //////// ]
Vanessa 1/-----==/=======|==-----\-------\0 Gonzales
Vanessa's infinite drunken booze oil power allows her to strike the very heart of the Palace of Whatever This Is, sending everything spinning wildly and Vanessa wobbling uncontrollably, until finally its careening infinitely through hyperspace like a drunken cat finally just forces her to start stumbling this way and that, flailing her arms wildly, her initial mad cackle converted into a drunken, "whwhwhwhwHOAAAAAA"
Eventually she settles out lying flat on the middle of the floor, staring into eternity.
"Shit," she says. "That's some good stuff. Is it July yet?" And then, dazed, she wedges an elbow underneath her, to peer at Gonzales, once again threatening her with UTTER ANNIHILAITON, and she mutters, visibly disappointed, "Oh, you're still here."
She wobbles to her butt, then wobbles to her knees, then wobbles to her feet, and then just wobbles in general, arms spread out for balance. "Ultimate annihilation? Oh, are you gonna gimme another nip!?" She looks hopeful, until the spinning fits a rhythm, the spinning of her atoms, of her molecules, of her head, of the station, of the planets and stars and galaxies, throbbing with that terrible, awful force, and Vanessa abruptly, for no apparent reason, EXPLODES, her mortal form caught up in a tremendous resonant fireball that surely reduced her atoms to nothing, her soul prized free for that dark mistress.
Except...she is emerging from the inferno, even as it winks out, the checkerboard tiles of the infinite space blasted to rubble by the infernal power of the Keyboard Cat, stalking through the non-light darkness. Her shirt has been vaporized, because that's been a 'thing' in this tournament and we can't have it fail to appear in the finale, her bizarrely-positioned suspender-harness-thing the only thing keeping her decently rated, because SNK's character designers are kind of weird, to be honest. She is burned. She is bloody. There is an (alcohol) FIRE in her eyes! She holds up her hand, power gathering there for a final exchange!
"Is that the BEST YOU CAN DO, SONNY!?" she yells, laughing, as malign purple light bursts and boils in her fists. "Lemme show you a little bit about BRINGIN' DOWN THE HOUSE!"
She surges forward, lunging a punch outward from half the field away...and the field is ruptured from below by a screaming purple blast of light, and a second, and a third, chewing up the ground toward Gonzales as she punches the air!!
COMBATSYS: Vanessa successfully hits Gonzales with Gaia Gear.
- Power hit! -
[ \\\\\\\\ < > / ]
Vanessa 0/-------/------=|====---\-------\0 [W] Gonzales
The house is brought down.
Literally-- as they continue to spiral through his parallel reality, that which remains of the tortured space station upon which they battle begins to crumble and fragment, shards of glinting metal and sparking debris are cast out into oblivion. Gonzales is only able to maintain his own footing by clenching his big, awkward robot feet as tightly as he can into the crushed metal beneath him, but not only can this not last--
"Wh--"
It doesn't give him much room to maneuver.
"Nooooooo," wails the hapless training robot once again, as this time he is consumed by repeated blasts of light, metal joints screeching and popping as metal limbs spin uncontrollably, short-circuiting from sheer overload. "Mistress Glados," he calls out in what is presumably anguish, although it is impossible to truly tell since intonation remains impossible for the arbiter, "I've faaaailed yooooouu--"
Even as it speaks, Vanessa's mechanical foe is vaporizing, blistering into space dust as the stage about her undergoes its own brand of destruction. Both their spiralling and the speed of the station's movement through hyperspace seem, somehow, to accelerate, everything reaching a kind of fever pitch; hitherto unseen lights begin to suddenly flash red and white, honking sirens belatedly indicating that, yes, something appears to be amiss.
"I can... still..."
Yet even in the midst of Gonzales's own apparent annihilation, the redoubtable robot seems intent on fulfilling its prime directive: to complete the mysterious but deadly sacrifice it was assigned.
"...one more... time!"
That porthole in Gonzales's disintegrating chest opens one more, but no boxing glove is revealed; in its place, a blinding light.
"In the name of... violent fighting to... come again!"
Gonzales's eyes, the last to disappear, blaze brightly.
"I cast you... into eternity!"
And with that, the robot dissipates, destroyed.
Yet the crumbling station itself rebels against Vanessa then, at first seemingly being sucked up by the void left in Gonzales's wake, those broken pieces of scrap metal that the stage is shedding gathering into an invisible orbit. Soon, however, it begins to seem as though the very foundations are bending toward her, and it is only an ominous crack that offers warning-- before with a scream of wrenching metal the space station, like a steely Tetsuo, seeks to absorb her into its own glimmering bulk.
But even in the midst of this madness, Vanessa will be able to see, out of the corner of her eye, an end to this tunnel of light they have traversed: a limpid, shining blue portal in the distance, an exit from bewildering hyperspace. To where it goes, only she can know, and only if she survives.
Will the tyrant be appeased? Or will Vanessa survive this...
Devastation?
COMBATSYS: Gonzales can no longer fight.
[ \\\\\\\\ <
Vanessa 0/-------/------=|
COMBATSYS: Vanessa just-defends Gonzales' Devastating Technique of Devestation +6!
[ \\\\\\\\\\ <
Vanessa 0/-------/------=|
Vanessa unloads all the power of her temporary boozy godhead, which might have borne an entirely coincidental resemblance to some of Igniz's supers, and the spears of light from her infinite liquor bar rip through the station, rip through Gonzales, rip through time and space and matter! Vanessa slumps, afterward, one hand landing on her knee, her tongue lolling out to moisten dry lips. "Hah!" she barks, rasping. "Had enough?!"
She is not feeling very creative, OK, having cosmic superpowers is very stressful.
She breathes hard, huffing in deep breaths of whatever the hell is floating around. "Scrapheaps like you are a pain in the ass, you know that!? Jeeze! I thought I saw the last of you when I finished the tutorial!"
But this is not Gonzales, Stealth Combat Tutorial. As the center of his torso splits open, even as his body dissolves, even as the /world/ dissolves, Gonzales reveals his true nature, as Godhead Gonzales, Devourer of Worlds!!
Vanessa says, "Oh you have /got/ to be /fucking/ me!"
The ground beneath her feet finally begins to give way. She has no choice. She hops up, not somersaulting because that is for younger women with at least /slightly/ more precautions against slapping themselves in the face than Vanessa has right now, so instead she just kind of arcs from one patch of land to the other for a few seconds until she has to stop, rasping again. She's tired. Gonzales beat the crap out of her, even if she managed to finish him off first. She huffs, puffs in the void.
And then the entire stage is trying to eat her alive. "C'mon," she gasps. "You're kidding, right!? Isn't the last-second escape thing way overdone!?" But she has no choice! A block of tumbling everything comes rolling at her, and she lashes out with her forearm, smashing it aside with just enough force that it allows her to propel forward off the momentum, dancing across the debris. She looks around. There's an exit. There's always an exit. Where. THERE!
Everything collapses down around her - trying to simply swallow her hole. She surges forward, hopping over a pillar of ground that rises in her way, reaching out and smashing another to pieces in one blow, teeth grit, lungs on fire, run, don't stop, don't look back, just RUN, and as the last of the crushing comes down before her she leaps, diving arms first through the shimmering gateway--!!
ANOTHER TIME
Vanessa sets her duffle bag down at the foot of the steps to the old house. Her grandfather built it. It's the dead of summer here, but she doesn't mind so much - the heat lets her know she's still alive. Traveling eighteen hours from Beijing to Illinois by air means occasionally you need to remind yourself of these things. She reaches up, tugging the bright red signature tie of hers loose, giving her neck some breathing room, and just stands there for a few moments - admiring the place.
"Momma!"
Eyes turn down as a small girl in a yellow sundress bursts out of the door, making quick time across the distance. The boxer sweeps down in one smooth motion, picking the girl up as she hops down the last step and and scooping her into her arms, holding her up at shoulder level for a hug. "Hey, kiddo," she says, teasing her cheek with a gloved hand. "Sorry. I've been away for a while."
"Mmm! But it's OK now! 'cuz Momma's home!"
Vanessa tips a little grin at her daughter, and reaches down with her free hand to grab the duffle bag. With a single last look at the road behind her, Vanessa turns, and walks onward, up the steps, sliding the door open.
It slides closed behind her with a very final sound.
Log created on 22:09:22 06/07/2010 by Gonzales, and last modified on 17:10:21 07/31/2010.