Description: It starts with a man, in space, hurtling towards the Earth. It ends with a man, in space, hurtling towards the Earth. The middle? Unnecessary. But it happens. And is narrated.
SOME TIME AGO
Dr. Richard 'The Nega-Mule' Tran is in space. It's boring because space sucks and there's nothing to do.
LIKE TEN SECONDS AGO
Like a god damned meteor descending from the heavens, Dr. Richard 'The Black Meteor' Tran descends from the heavens. Like a meteor. God damn.
NOW
There is a /mushroom cloud/.
When the dust and debris clear, there is Dr. Richard 'The Nuclear Anger' Tran, standing in the ruins of downtown Chicago in the year 1925 like he hasn't got a care in the world. And he /doesn't/.
Striding forth across the street to a completely untouched building, Dr. Richard Q. Tran kicks in the door and strides in, loudly announcing his entrance. "I just flew in from space, and boy are my arms tired! Get me a drink!"
The meek pet shop owner in front of him quivers in terror. The adorable bunny he's holding also quivers. "But...a-alchohol is...illegal!"
SHORTLY
The storefront explodes, and Dr. Richard 'Doesn't Know What Speakeasy Means' Tran emerges like the Incredible Hulk, which is to say he's pretty pissed and his pants are ruined.
SOME TIME AGO, ALMOST SIMULTANEOUSLY, ALSO IN SPACE
A cow suddenly appears. It chews it's cud for a few seconds before the icy cold turns it into a cowsicle. This has nothing to do with the story.
LIKE ELEVEN SECONDS AGO
A kitten looks up. It sees death approaching. It mews pitifully before being brought to a horrific end.
APPROXIMATELY NOW, MAYBE SLIGHTLY OFFSET
Brian "The Bear" Battler is getting his moustache carefully waxed and styled by a beautiful Chinese woman. Carefully, she is coating every individual hair in the wax and combing them into one another to get the handlebar just perfect. As she nears the completion of the work, the blast from Tran's descent onto the Earth knocks over the building.
Kicking his way out of the debris, Brian "The Behemoth" Battler checks his moustache. It has become a casualty to the blast, just like his stylist.
"DAMMIT!" Brian "The Bellower" Battler bellows into the air. "How can I give moustache rides without a sweet moustache! Someone will PAY for this!"
SHORTLY, AND YES, TOTALLY STEALING TRAN'S THUNDER
As Dr. Richard "My Pants Are Ruined" Tran storms his way out of the demolished petstore, from the smoking crater steps Brian "The Body" Battler, like something out of an action movie, which is to say he's stone-faced and has no shirt on. As the large man stares at the smaller one, something happens...
SWEET ASS MONTAGE
Two parents. Two babies. Genetic test tubes. DNA sequencing. Danny DiVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger in matching outfits, walking down the street.
COINCIDENCE?
Maybe.
THAT MOVIE IS SO BULLSHIT, I WON'T STAND FOR THIS
Dr. Richard 'Danny DeVito' Tran is the short one here, so we all know who that makes him. This is completely unacceptable to a man of his stature. Of his raw, unbridled /power/.
IT'S NOT FAIR
"How /dare/ you!?" cries Dr. Richard 'Upstaged' Tran. "Don't think you can just waltz in here and steal my thunder! My thunder!" He throws his arms up and explodes in a huge sheet of steam and anger.
"IT'S ALL I HAVE LEFT! PEOPLE OF..." Dr. Richard 'The Government' Tran appears confused for a moment, because where is he and who even cares. "...THIS PLACE! HEAR MY CALL!"
Rushing forward, he forms two long poles out of /pure energy/ and then totally spinning clotheslines the shit out of Brian with them. "A VOTE FOR ME IS A VOTE FOR HOOCH!"
COMBATSYS: Tran has started a fight here.
[\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ <
Tran 0/-------/-------|
COMBATSYS: Brian has joined the fight here.
[\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > //////////////////////////////]
Brian 0/-------/-------|-------\-------\0 Tran
COMBATSYS: Brian fails to interrupt Vote Dr. Tran For President from Tran with Light Kick.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > ///////////////////////////// ]
Brian 0/-------/----===|=------\-------\0 Tran
SO LIE DOWN OR SOMETHING IF YOU WON'T STAND FOR IT
Looking completely innocent, Brian "The Governator" Battler can't help it if the editor has some extra footage he has on hand. It's totally not his fault, seriously.
NOTHING'S FAIR
"Your thunder?" replies Brian "In The Limelight" Battler. "I'll go anywhere I want to, dammit! And this thunder of yours is RENTED. I know you can't afford to buy your own thunder! Mom told me so!"
Shaking his head as Tran makes his stump speech, Brian "Babyfaced" Battler, checks his upper lip for signs of hair. Nothing. Dammit. And as those poles of energy come swinging in, Brian lifts his foot and brings it do-
SWEET ASS MONTAGE
Dr. Richard Tran. Badass. Several dozen camera cuts show this exact move being used against a number of different fighters, all getting plowed over like corn stalks in a thresher. Nobody can stand in the way of this devastating maneuv-
CAMERA CUT
"HEY!" screams Brian "The Butthurt" Battler. "I'm trying to kick here!"
CUT BACK TO MONTAGE
The montage closes with Brian "Editor Killer" Battler getting smacked by Tran's attack from eight different cameras, including a high-speed one which shows all the awesome flesh deformation as he takes flight. Sweet!
LOOK JUST SHUT UP, OKAY
JUST SHUT UP
Dr. Richard 'What Is A Man' Tran totally goes spinning /out of control/, sending not only Brian 'The Blasted' Battler flying away, but also going on a mild rampage through the town. He is a force of nature. A tornado of /destruction/.
Just ask that mailbox. And that streetlight. And that hapless street performer. Dr. Richard 'Doesn't Afraid of Anything' Tran finally winds down, poles melting away into nothing with a little 'hsssss' noise. He staggers into another building uneasily, since he is like /totally dizzy/ after all that spinning and the varied camera angles and the slow motion and /god/ he feels awful.
INSIDE
The sounds of violent retching can be heard for several minutes.
LATER
Another wall explodes outward, /once again/ revealing Dr. Richard 'Ground Rhino Horn' Tran at the peak of his health, charging toward Brian 'The Belligerent' Battler like some kind of exceptionally angry and also tiny freight train, an even tinier ball of concentrated chi hell held in his hand.
LONG STORY SHORT
He tries to jam it in and fuck off before it explodes.
COMBATSYS: Brian blocks Tran's Dr. Tran Doesn't Take Your Shit.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > /////////////////////////// ]
Brian 0/-------/---====|=------\-------\0 Tran
I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING
GODDAMMIT, I AM BEING QUIET
Brian "Ballistic" Battler punches a hole through one wall in a building. Then through the entire building. Then through another. And another. And another. The buildings all collapse as he passes through, as he's travelling so fast that the sonic boom is levelling a huge swath of man made material as the enormous man travels around the globe, butt always six inches from the Earth (even as he passes over mountain ranges and down into valleys, it's really quite amazing). In China, he levels the home of his moustache stylist's parents, sending them to meet their daughter in one of their heavens or hells, who knows with the Chinese. Finally, Brian "Be Like Billy" Battler comes to a sudden halt, pauses in the air a half second and then falls to the ground in a heap... about three inches from where he started. Which sets him up perfectly for getting a face full of explosive chi courtesy of Dr. Richard "Bulemic" Tran.
HEY, WAIT A SECOND
Chi hurts. Especially when it detonates. So when Tran tries to bugger off, Brian "Scorpion" Battler yells, "Hey! Get over here!" and his hand snakes out, arm stretching like Dhalsim, trying to grab Tran by the shoulder and yank him back and spike him to the ground at the big man's feet.
COMBATSYS: Brian successfully hits Tran with Hyper Tackle.
- Power hit! -
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > ///////////////////// ]
Brian 0/-------/-======|====---\-------\0 Tran
LOOK I DON'T CARE, JUST SHUT UP
Dr. Richard 'Zoidberg' Tran starts crabwalking off to clear the inevitable detonation. He makes it, and it's great. His exultant cry echoes through the land.
"Woopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoopwoop!"
Then Brian demonstrates his elder god/undead ninja/Indian heritage by turning his arm into some kind of stretchy, Tran-seeking missile.
ELSEWHERE
Dr. Richard 'Totally Fucked' Tran attempts to turn a bottle of root beer into a bottle of real beer using a sharpie and the latent psychic power that he /knows/ he has. He grunts. He strains. And at last...
"Did I...? Yes! YES! I DID IT! I AM A GOD AMONG ME--URK"
THEN
Dr. Richard 'I'm Going So Fast' Tran slingshots back into Brian 'Beatdown' Battler's fearsome grasp, and subsequently gets his head rammed through a thick layer of cement.
THIS EVIDENTLY CAUSES A GAS LEAK
"ffffffffffffFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUHHHHHHHHHHHHCK" Dr. Richard 'Full of Hot Air' Tran lies still for only a moment before /erupting/ out of the cement like a hateful missile, uppercutting Brian with the force of as many dying suns as it takes to completely annihilate the man.
IT'S A LOT
COMBATSYS: Tran successfully hits Brian with Here Comes Dr. Tran!.
[ \\\\\\\\\\ < > //////////////// ]
Brian 1/---====/=======|====---\-------\0 Tran
AND THEN, CANDY
It takes a lot of suns to annihilate Brian "Black Hole" Battler. And so while Tran's uppercut does, in fact, end the man's existence, it's only because he explodes into CANDY. Delicious, delicious candy!
OH MAN, IS THAT A JOLLY RANCHER?
Yes, Mr. Editor. It is! Lots of them.
SWEET, GET ME A WATERMELON
There's still something odd about where Brian disappeared. Like a rend in the fabric of space time, the world around the spot where Tran's fist came in contact with the Texan warps and shudders, grabbing nearby Mini-Snickers or boxes of Jujyfruits and crushing them in a vortex of gravity. Rapidly, they coalesce into a glowing orb... and then cracks start to form.
OH SHI-
And then, an explosion of confectionary death. Diabetics for miles around suddenly go into simultaneous sugar comas they may never recover from.
COMBATSYS: Brian knocks away Tran with Big Bang Blitzkrieg.
~ Cruel hit! !
[ \\\\\\\\\\ < > ///// ]
Brian 0/-------/-------|=======\===----\1 Tran
NEVER REALLY LIKED THE SWEET STUFF MYSELF
Dr. Richard 'Horse Anus' Tran is victorious! Completely triumphant in the face of overwhelming danger and crap. He has truly lived up to his reputation as the most dangerous man in the universe.
I PREFER THE SAVORY MORE, YOU UNDERSTAND
But...something is wrong. Something is not right. The universe is /breaking/. How can any man stand against this?
LIKE A GOOD STEAK, THAT'S THE TICK--
As Dr. Richard 'Seriously Fucked For Real This Time' Tran stands at the epicenter of the sweetest sugar bomb the world has ever seen, he blacks out. Everything is simply swept away. Reality is consumed in a creeping wave of white.
And there, in the endless void, floats Dr. Richard 'Cavity King' Tran. Slowly, he regains conciousness. "My teeth hurt." The words echo into infinity, and he floats there serenely.
He becomes bored /instantly/.
COMBATSYS: Tran gains composure.
[ \\\\\\\\\\ < > //////// ]
Brian 0/-------/-------|=======\=------\1 Tran
IS THIS IT? AM I DEAD?
"Oh, good, you're here finally," says Brian "Universe Destroyer" Battler as he floats by, reading some interdimensional newspaper. "Been here for a millennia, it seems. How're you?"
OH, I'M FINE, THANKS
"Not you, you editorial cockslap. I'm speaking to my brother."
...OH, SORRY
Waving his hand dismissively, Brian "The Bomb" Battler hands Tran the newspaper. "Looks like we must finish in order to exit the void. I'm bored here. Let's do this."
And with that, Brian takes a swing at Tran. Boredly, half-assed and totally lethargic. He's been floating around for so damn long that he's just...
COMBATSYS: Tran blocks Brian's Strong Punch.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\ < > ///// ]
Brian 0/-------/------=|=======\==-----\1 Tran
WHO EVEN CARES, THAT WAS AWESOME
"Oh, hey." Finally, an end to the crippling boredom of thousands of miliseconds. Dr. Richard 'Nirvana Dog' Tran greets Brian 'The Buddha' Battler with a weak wave of his hand, taking the offered paper and scanning the headline.
BABY STEALS LOCAL DINGO, AUTHORITIES BAFFLED
"Huh. Well, alright. I'm still a little bushed, but..." Dr. Richard 'Everyone's A Critic' Tran rolls up the newspaper and curls up into a little fetal ball so that when he is attacked, he is mostly sent hurtling through the complete absence of space that the two blood-brothers (see issue 41 -ed) currently inhabit.
"Just...whew, alright, here I go. HRRRRRRNG!" Dr. Richard 'Pocket Rocket' Tran erupts with a spattering of steam from his pants, sending him hurtling toward Brian 'Bored' Battler. At the last moment, he reverses direction, sending twin jets of chi firing out of his pant cuffs toward the burly brawler.
EAT BACKWASH
COMBATSYS: Brian endures Tran's -Q- is for Dr. Tran.
[ \\\ < > ///// ]
Brian 0/-------/--=====|==-----\-------\0 Tran
OH GOD THAT BETTER JUST BE STEAM
As Dr. Richard "Bissel" Tran steam cleans him towards the end, a sense of calm and purpose suddenly washes over Brian "Scorched" Battler. Along with the steam, of course. But that's beside the point. Brian now knows what he must do. It is as if he has heard the voice of god commanding him, and through the steam reach two massive hands, seeking purchase on Tran's lapels. "It is time," he says, voice ethereal as he pulls his iris and pupil-free eyes towards Tran's gaze. "We must return to our own dimension."
OKAY, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT THAT'S KINDA FREAKY
Fissures form in his skin. The light of a thousand suns pours forth from the cracks, from his eyes and from his mouth. And then, soundlessly in the void, he returns to his plane in the destructive force of an...
COMBATSYS: Brian can no longer fight.
[ \\\\\ <
Tran 0/-------/-----==|
COMBATSYS: Brian successfully hits Tran with American Supernova.
[ <
Tran 0/-------/-======|
WHAT OF COURSE IT IS, WHAT ELSE WOULD IT--OH, OH I SEE
Dr. Richard 'Rental' Tran doesn't even see Brian 'Birkenstocks' Battler approach through the wave of steamy steamy steam. Not until it is far, far too late. Lapels: grabbed. Shit: getting freaky.
WORRISOME.
"Well, I gu--hey, did you get contacts? EEYUUUUUURRGHAGH"
The un-universe implodes and explodes at the same time, as all of the nothing folds in on itself and expands to be everything. Suffice to say, it is a very confusing time for Dr. Richard 'Out of His Depth, Donny' Tran.
MUCH, MUCH LATER
Dr. Richard 'Interstellar Detritus' Tran floats in actual space, not that second-hand white void bullshit. Slowly, he begins to awaken. As soon as conciousness fully returns, he is bored. Instantly. With no better option, he plunges straight toward Earth, location: /Chicago, in the year 1925/.
BAD END
COMBATSYS: Tran takes no action.
COMBATSYS: Tran can no longer fight.
Log created on 16:07:12 04/21/2010 by Brian, and last modified on 22:01:39 04/22/2010.