Description: SIIIIIIKHS IIIIIIIIN SPAAAAAAAACE (Winner: KartarSingh)
The magnificent glittering ring soars through space, gleaming like the sun amidst an eclipse. The fine ship Chakram, designed in the shape of the symbol that represents the faith of its valorous crew, traverses the galaxy to protect and ensure the virtue of its inhabitants, and to crush vice wherever it may reside. The record of these journeys continues here, in this week's episode of
SIKHS
IN
SPACE
"Captain Singh, an unidentified ship ten kilometers to port!"
Kartar Singh, his splendid beard neatly combed -- but never trimmed -- and his long hair bound up in a resplendant blue and gold turban stacked with deadly weapons that resemble his vessel, turns his sharp and penetrating gaze toward his subordinate. "Officer Singh," he replies, voice stern and gravelly, "what seems to be the trouble!"
"Sir! Our Purity Detectors sense the crew of this vessel is decidedly... not virtuous!"
Kartar Singh's eyes narrow. "And what of the captain?"
"Sir! Sensors indicate she is the least virtuous of all!"
"And does she obey the five Ks?" the captain queries, faintly wary.
"S... Sir..." The crewman hesitates. "She... obeys none of them!"
An aghast silence fills the bridge.
"She... does not bind her uncut hair in a turban? Or wear the steel bracelet that reminds us all to defend the innocent? Or keep upon her person the kanga, the wooden comb of inner cleanliness? Does she not wear the kirpan, the sword of justice?"
"N... no, sir... she does not!"
There is a lengthy -- and uncomfortable -- pause.
"And... she does not... wear the kaccha."
"..."
"...The... undergarment of purity, Officer Singh. Does she not wear it?"
"...Um... sensors indicate... no, sir."
Kartar Singh tenses, a bead of sweat appearing on his brow. "And instead...?"
Officer Singh hesitantly approaches Captain Kartar and whispers in his ear.
"...This... is..."
The Captain, blanching to the beard, so shakes with indignation that his chakrams clank.
"UNACCEPTABLE."
Cut to space: the fine ship Chakram, performing an about-face, plunges toward its new target, weapons and shields powering up.
MEANWHILE, aboard the Unnamed Space Submarine:
Crewmen not on duty watch a RiffTrax'd up edition of a popular recent film involving vampires, guest starring Lucky Glauber as a guest riffer (/and/ an extra in the film!) They are also drinking beers and at least one of them was smoking a cigarette earlier. From the captain's quarters there is an ominous subterranean humming.
But that guy with the beard is on watch duty and the Lilien Knights are not total slackers. "Oh, shit," says Beu Borge, seeing a space flying disk fly by and then zoom around now, being surrounded with what LK naval policy refers to as "glowy crap" which generally indicates hostile intent.
"Shit shit shit shit shit shit!" he declares, running down the ladder and pulling the rope on the Crisis Bell. The dog starts barking as well.
Meanwhile the submarine just keeps cruising forwards in space, propeller merrily spinning through the endless void. The Sikhs may hear the occasional extremely vulgar word, or detect it as a spike on the Purity Detectors. Is the enemy ship sitting duck-bait!?
MEANWHILE, there are some SIKHS
IN
SPACE:
"Dead ahead, Captain Singh!"
"Well done, Officer Singh," replies the magnificently bearded warrior, nut-brown callused hands firmly gripping the twin swords at his hips. His eyes glint with the formidable will of the unarguably righteous. "Now: commence the virtuous assault!"
The power being channeled to the weapons lights up the entirety of the bridge-- whereupon a section of the floor of the bridge slips away, and an ancient, worn cannon, utterly anachronistic, emerges from beneath. "Preparing the ultimate weapon, Captain!" cries Officer Singh, and the rest of the crew buckle their seatbelts and begin to hold their breath.
With a firm nod, Kartar Singh Sanghera climbs into the cannon.
The bridge itself begins to open, making way for the rushing vacuum of space, but the Sikhs are okay, because they are strapped in and holding their breaths. The fuse of the cannon self-lights -- its only innovation -- and a hissing sound would be heard were it not for the lack of air on the bridge: whereupon Kartar Singh is blasted into space.
Front flipping dramatically at rocket speed, he is propelled directly toward the vice-ridden space submarine, invincible in the face of space's chill and vacuum. Opening his mouth in a silent scream, he reaches up to his turban and begins to pluck chakrams from its vast mountainous reaches, each one beginning to glow a vibrant gold as he takes it in hand.
And then, mere meters from the hull of the vessel, he begins to hurl them with abandon, shearing into the ship from all sides, carving his way into the submarine and, once the storm passes, dropping down onto the enemy ship's bridge himself. But chakrams have peppered the entire ship--
So the captain may have already felt his sting.
"THOSE WITHOUT VIRTUE, FACE ME!"
Or heard that.
COMBATSYS: KartarSingh has started a fight here.
[\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ <
KartarSingh 0/-------/-------|
COMBATSYS: B.Jenet has joined the fight here.
[\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > //////////////////////////////]
B.Jenet 0/-------/-------|-------\-------\0 KartarSingh
COMBATSYS: KartarSingh successfully hits B.Jenet with Shining Chakram Storm.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > //////////////////////////// ]
B.Jenet 0/-------/----===|======-\-------\0 KartarSingh
"Dear God," Beu Borge says. "He's attacking us directly!"
"Bark" says the dog.
Bonne Jenet doesn't emerge immediately. There is a swish-thash into the side of the hull near the captain's quarters, though, and the ominous humming stops a few moments later.
A few moments after THAT, Bonne Jenet, wearing her dress on backwards and with a strawberry still in her hair, bursts out of her 'DO NOT DISTURB' signed door. She looks upwards with narrowed eyes as she grabs the hem of her dress.
"Blow the hatch!" she orders.
"What?!"
"I SAID BLOW THE HATCH!"
"oh," Beu Borge says, "blow the hatch." He pulls a lever just as the strange Sikh man approaches the conning tower's convienient access to the space submarine's inner depth, just before it pops open.
Down below, Bonne Jenet flips her dress up at /just the right moment/, which means that in addition to a big burst of air, there's a bunch of /painful wind chi,/ which, together with the dog's astonished befouling of himself at the temporary loss of air pressure, is no fun at all (except for Jenet).
The hatch slams shut a few seconds later, /with or without Mr. Turban/.
COMBATSYS: KartarSingh just-defends B.Jenet's Buffrass!
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > //////////////////////////////]
B.Jenet 0/-------/----===|======-\-------\0 KartarSingh
Kartar Singh is utterly appalled.
"NoooooOOOOoOOO--"
A man of virtue can do only one thing when faced with a woman flipping up her dress: close his eyes. But a man with his eyes closed cannot defend against an overwhelming attack such as this.
Of course-- Kartar Singh is no ordinary man.
"--ooOOOOOoooo--"
Even as his cry echoes through the rushing air, Kartar Singh has long since ceased to exhale. Though the mighty sound continues to resound, he is now breathing in, his chest swelling with the pride of a true warrior-- and with air. His eyes bulge with masculine prowess as he inhales deeply-- so deeply that the entire burst of wind that Bonne Jenet has emitted is consumed.
Which he would definitely promptly turn back upon Jenet were it not for the dog feces flying at him as well-- he releases the blast of wind in that direction instead, returning to the dog its gift.
"Foul woman!" he booms, undismayed by her assault upon his person and morals. "We detected your wanton shamelessness from kilometers away! By my blade, I demand you don this frumpy undergarment!" And from somewhere within his volumnous robes, Kartar withdraws a decidedly unflattered baggy grey pair of shorts. "Now, submit! To virtue!!"
And he lunges forward, withdrawing as he does a fearsome gauntlet from his belt, one of the many terrible weapons at Sikhs' disposal in the art of Gatka-- and attempts to punch Bonne Jenet right in the shamelessness.
COMBATSYS: KartarSingh successfully hits B.Jenet with Bagh Nakh.
- Power hit! -
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > //////////////////////////// ]
B.Jenet 0/-------/-======|======-\-------\0 KartarSingh
Bonne Jenet feels a pain like the ending of the world. She makes an awkward noise as the Sikh's fist sinks into what could be termed her 'muffin,' which is certainly not 'bluffin' at this point. Indeed, a more accurate comparison might be 'blueberry with cranberry sauce,' and she makes more strangled noises as she staggers back, doubling over for a moment in truly cosmic agony.
She attempts to do something, to say something, to cry out, to scream, to protest, to otherwise interfere. But she can't! IS THERE NOTHING THAT CAN POSSIBLY SAVE HER from being put into the frumpiest of panties?!
There is one hope.
Beu Borge, from behind the Sikh, picks up the dog and, to the dog's dismay, hucks it at the boarder. "Take that, you jackanape!" he declares, before ducking into the wardroom closet and locking the door behind him.
COMBATSYS: KartarSingh reflects Thrown Object from B.Jenet with Buckler Strike.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > //////////////////////////// ]
B.Jenet 0/-------/-======|=======\-------\0 KartarSingh
Kartar Singh punches the dog with his shield.
That's pretty much what happens, what do you want from me?
The dogflection then goes flying toward Bonne Jenet.
Possibly while continuing to void itself.
Well, maybe on a power hit.
COMBATSYS: KartarSingh successfully hits B.Jenet with Reflected Thrown Object.
[ \\\\\\\\\\ < > //////////////////////////// ]
B.Jenet 1/------=/=======|=======\-------\1 KartarSingh
The dog flies, peeing, into Jenet's face. He rebounds off, yelping, and scampers into the bowels of the ship.
Bonne Jenet is left standing there, shaking slightly.
She is partially naked (under the backwards dress, anyway). She has been urinated on by a dog. She has been punched in the genitals, causing what is best described as 'swelling and discomfort' in an extremely sensitive area.
If she was Chun-Li or Shermie she'd probably be intensely aroused right now. She is not, and as such, she is instead /extremely angry/. "I don't know who the fuck you are," she says with unusually enhanced British accet, raising up one foot and -- pulling loose a shoe?
Perhaps Kartar should let his guard down. What's she going to do?
"But you're going back to your fecking ship out the torpedo tube! HAAAAH--" And then she lunges in.
The first downward swing has an ominous pillowing of the air in front of it. The hammer-like, bone-piercing, soul-destroying series of high speed strikes afterwards rain down, like mysterious fluids at Shermie's parties or fists coming out of E. Honda.
COMBATSYS: KartarSingh reflects An Oi Mademoiselle from B.Jenet with Defend the Innocent.
[ \\\\\\ < > //////////////////////////// ]
B.Jenet 0/-------/---====|-------\-------\0 KartarSingh
Kartar Singh fixes the enraged, urine-doused woman with a steely gaze.
"No shoe has been made," he intones, "that can pierce Kartar Singh."
This turns out to be true. The small steel buckler that the resplendant Alkali Sikh thrusts out erupts in a plume of golden chi, multiplying tenfold, replicant images fanning out like the feathers of a peacock into a massive shield that repels every blow thrown against it, the rain of blows splashing away like so much of Shermie's mysterious fluids.
"HUUURRRAAAAGGHHHH!"
And with a manly roar, the warrior punches through-- and breaks Jenet's shoe.
That might be enough to end her. But no-- true victory here is the victory of virtue. And so Kartar reaches once more within his robe and plucks out that pair of unsightly underwear once again, brandishing it like a battle flag, and with a triumphant cry jams the musty article down upon Jenet's head.
"BE PURIFIED!"
/The finishing blow./
Jenet explodes, just like on Aqua Teen! She is left dizzied and sprawled on the ground in a pool of questionable fluids, again like Shermie, and when the garmet is put on her head, she can offer no resistance. "I can't believe - I lost - to a w--"
Then she flops over.
Kartar Singh may not have much time to enjoy his triumph, however, as the Lilien Knights are emerging from the movie room and they seem to have a great many space AKs and Laser Cats, one of which, in point of fact, is fired directly at the gentleman of space. "Gerrof!" says one of them, his mouth still half full of the movie night pizza.
COMBATSYS: B.Jenet can no longer fight.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ <
KartarSingh 0/-------/-------|
COMBATSYS: KartarSingh reflects Huge Thrown Object from B.Jenet with Buckler Strike.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ <
KartarSingh 0/-------/------=|
Kartar Singh's shield is /super shiny/
He reflects the laser cat laser and the laser cat /explodes/
Then he jumps through the hatch and flies out into /space/
BOOOOOOOOOOOOYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
COMBATSYS: KartarSingh has ended the fight here.
Log created on 21:41:57 04/20/2010 by KartarSingh, and last modified on 12:48:57 04/21/2010.