Description: Launched by a magical phonebooth into the fantastical world of ancient China, Shermie begins a dire chain of events that will end in the destruction of Earth as we know it. Can the Lords of Time save the galaxy before Ma Chao's blitzkreig penetrates Shermie's Maginot Line? Or will a falling Coney Island obliterate the last remnant of our drifting planet? Answer: Yes. (Draw Match)
War rages in ancient China! Brave soldiers fight across the land, spilling their lifeblood for the causes that unite them under banners of conflict! Spear and sword, bow and cannon, all claim their grim toll in lives! The souls of young and old alike are spent as currency by tacticians they will never see!
A phone booth falls down from the sky. Blue electricity curls from the seams, worming along the ground. The hunk of metal and glass hisses. Smoke and the smell of burnt ozone warn of the eldritch nature of this strange device.
Shermie slides the door open. The Frenchwoman coughs. Her heels sink into the ground, but a trained fighter knows how to be fashionable even when people still live in the dark ages. "Ugh, this report is way, as they say, 'bogus!' Phone booth computer, where have you taken me to?"
"BEEP BEEP WHIRR CLICK BEEP. ANCIENT CHINA. DUDES WITH DORKY HELMETS ARE EVERYWHERE. MIGHT BE SOME DYNASTY WARRIORS THING."
"I hate video games," Shermie mumbles. She picks her away over to the crest of a hill, looking down on two powerful clashing together. Every few thousand guys, there's some stupid feather plume sticking up. "Those ones must be the, eh, generals, right? I bet one of them can tell me about the history of this completely fake country."
The Frenchwoman kneels down, picking through the grass. Her supernatural luck rewards her with a smooth stone, perfect for skipping over a lake. Shermie gauges the tide of battle with her hidden eyes, tosses the stone from hand to hand, and then casts it off.
CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK BING
Finally! She only had to bounce it off of seven skulls until she hit a guy with a helmet. Shermie proudly folds her hands and waits for the man she hit to come over and lecture her about video game China's history.
"My lord! The battle goes well!"
Ma Chao, godliest warrior of ancient China, gazes upon the proud messenger with eyes like shooting stars, whereupon the messenger immediately vaporizes. "Of course it does," the general booms, before adding, "...Sometimes I forget staring directly at you people will annihilate you." Indeed, ever since Ma Chao returned to the battlefield and killed three-thousand of the enemy troops within about fifteen minutes, the tide of battle shifted, particularly insofar as beforehand all the soldiers were doing was eyeing each other menacingly, their feeble AI unable to process any further action.
But then the unthinkable happens: Ma Chao is actually attacked, as a rock is bounced atop seven of his surrounding fellow troops -- they are promptly knocked unconscious, adding 7 to Shermie's K.O. count -- and glances off his magnificent lion helm. Ignoring utterly the battle before him, he turns with shooting-star eyes blazing upon a new adversary.
"Aha!" he cries, with a voice that tears through the heavens -- literally; clouds high above disperse -- as he rounds upon the Frenchwoman and her mysterious contraption. "An enemy general!" And Ma Chao knows from experience to defeat enemy generals as quickly as possible, lest the arcane functions of morale cause his allied troops to mysteriously die and thereby inconvenience his endless rampage. "Hmm... This one is particularly slutty."
Clearly--
"You must be taught," he roars, brandishing his gleaming spear, "what it means to BE A MAN!" Leaping impossibly high above the battlefield, soaring over his men -- some of them collapse, stricken, from his sheer proximity -- he lands before Shermie, trembling, seemingly overcome by his sheer manly passion.
"Rule Number One: FIGHT FOR JUSTICE!"
Not exactly contemporary Confucian values, but neither is her skirt, by which Ma Chao seems so proundly offended that he proceeds to lash out immediately with a punishing blow to Shermie's head with the blunt end of his spear, twisting then to drive it down and sweep her legs out from under her, all the while maintaining a overly-poised wuxia stance. That'll teach her to wear a skirt.
The move is highly practiced, as though he attacks in such a fashion a lot. Constantly, even. As though he attacks like this over and over again, and over and over and over...
COMBATSYS: MaChao has started a fight here.
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MaChao 0/-------/-------|
COMBATSYS: Shermie has joined the fight here.
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Shermie 0/-------/-------|-------\-------\0 MaChao
COMBATSYS: Shermie blocks MaChao's Brave and Unprincipled.
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Shermie 0/-------/------=|-------\-------\0 MaChao
Shermie leans forward, shielding her eyes from the sun with her hand. This proves that she is either theatrical or an alien. Mr. Lionhelmet comes prancing around like a big sweaty high school student in his darling little Chinese football gear.
"Oh my! Thank my lucky stars! Video game China has people who shave and moisturize!"
"BEEP BEEP WHIRR BEEP DUDE IS A TOTAL TWINK BEEP CLICK BEEP LIKE IN THE GAY SLANG SENSE BEEP," Time Traveling Phone Booth Computer posits.
The Frenchwoman takes the butt of a spear to her forehead before she can respond to her sassy mechanical pal. She goes over like she was paid to be on her back, legs flying into the air as her body is completely tumbled over by Ma Chao's burning manly poke. Unfortunately, Shermie's legs are her deadliest weapon. Her ankles catch the pole as her hands catch the ground in a handstand, hefting the weapon up!
Shermie twists her body so she can look up at her manly foe. Her hair is still hanging over her eyes. She is a witch. "Ahhh, so manly! You are like several men put together, but the exact number is unseen to me right now!"
"Why do we have to fight? Let's go frolic naked in the woods and you can help me with my 'totally bogus' history report after we get all sweaty, yes?" Shermie pushes off of the ground, somehow using the spear as a leverage point to whip herself upright, a leg lashing out toward Ma Chao's head. More accurately, her thigh. Her skirt is drawn taut.
The last thing Ma Chao sees before the pain starts is a shaggy Keanu Reeves giving a thumbs up. She bought all of the Bill & Ted franchise's merchandise. Did they sell commemorative Bill & Ted panties? The little speech bubble coming from the mouth of Theodore "Ted" Logan's underwear-likeness says "For Shermie, yes we do." It was a touching transaction.
There is nothing emotionally touching about Shermie's freakishly muscular Chun-li thighs twisting Ma Chao around like a propeller as she rides him to the ground, however. Physically, yes. Oh so physically.
COMBATSYS: MaChao fails to interrupt Shermie Spiral from Shermie with Stallion Fury.
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Shermie 0/-------/-----==|======-\-------\0 MaChao
"This is true," Ma Chao booms, nodding thoughtfully at Shermie's appraisal. "The actual number is in fact--"
But the world will never know, for the Tiger General (do not ask why there is a lion on his helmet instead) is distracted once more by this strange enemy general's highly anachronistic comments. "Woman, you understand so little!" he cries, with infinite manly vigor. "I /am/ naked! This armor is fused to my skin by my unrelenting passion for battle!" He pounds upon his chestplate for emphasis, eliciting such a fulmination that the skies split asunder and a bolt of lightning plunges down to destroy an enemy encampment in the distance. "And the only frolicking a true man engages in is amidst the blood and viscera of his en--"
Tragically, Ma Chao's educational monologue is cut short by a very educational experience all his own. Spear flailing wildly, sending sparks of lightning and fire scattering everywhere, Ma Chao spins and staggers around, unable to disengage the sensual lamprey clutched upon his masculine visage. Meanwhile, his wildly swinging weapon continues to mow down hapless troops, none of whom seem to have the werewithal to escape.
"Mmmph hrrmm hmrghphhh!"
It appears Ma Chao remains a perfect capable warrior even with a woman's thighs blinding him to his enemies. He lurches about the battlefield, slaying opponents left and right, while Shermie proceeds to get a very close-hand tour of the Battle of Whatever.
Ma Chao goes berserking across the field of honor like a rabid liger, with Shermie firmly clamped around his head. She is briefly interrupted from thigh-suplexing him into something by his insistent mumbling.
"Hahahaha! Oh, hahaha! Hahaha! That's-- hahaha!-- that's not how you do that at all! It tickles!"
Shermie lashes out with her foot, catching a nameless soldier in the face. He goes flying as only a man kicked by a Ratio 4 battleharpy can. Like ninety three guys die in the process as he hits a conveniently placed stack of fireworks (they grow naturally in video game China) that somehow blow up a wall (they are strong fireworks in video game China).
SHERMIE HAS KILLED 100 ENEMIES !!
SHERMIE: This feels great!
FIELD B CONQUERED !!
All good things must come to an end, even if Shermie will later recall this fight as "disappointing, amateurish," and feeling "like it should have taken place in the back of Ma Chao's mom's car." The Frenchwoman twirls to the side, tossing Ma Chao to the wind, possibly killing someone with a name that no one cares about anyway.
Shermie sticks the landing like a pro, tumbling and bouncing on her heels, arms spread to the crowd. A choir of angels part the clouds and hold up 9 9 9 10 and the USSR angel holds up 7. Shermie frowns.
If there's one thing the French hate, it's Eastern Orthodoxy. Filled with Catholic rage, Shermie goes sprinting after Ma Chao. She is so incredibly angry that eventually there is no more sprinting, there is only front flips. Every front flip causes nearby horses to balk in fear, tossing their riders and stamping on nearby soldiers, friend and foe. They are that good. People are giving the USSR angel shit for giving her a 7.
"DAMN YOU, COMMUNIST CHIIIIINAAAAAA!"
Shermie bounds out of the last landing, held tossed back in exultation to the wind blowing through her unmoving hair, arms wide so that the flying knee may embrace not only Ma Chao but her as well (at least in the heart), and also the knee so that 'flying knee' can be an accurate descriptor.
Angel says, "meters"
COMBATSYS: MaChao blocks Shermie's Shermie Cute.
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Shermie 0/-------/-----==|======-\-------\0 MaChao
Ma Chao is utterly appalled.
"Shameless trollop!" he proclaims, shaking his spear at the gracefully flipping woman with the mysterious sealed hair, shaking off the pile of enemy rabble he was flung into by the vagaries of Shermie's wandering thighs. "This is not at all how one does battle! Rule of Manhood Number Two: Do not attack your enemies with your thighs!"
Naturally, Shermie responds by attacking with her knee, which is messed up, because what is so Shermie Cute about a flying knee anyway? But Ma Chao is having none of it, and blocks-- with a wall of sound.
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"
Ma Chao's indignant battle cry is so incredibly mighty that it forms a barrier against which Shermie's swift attack is no match, repelling her before she can even reach his magnificent lion helm. And then, with a second ear-splitting cry, the resplendant warrior sweeps his spear down again, with such might that he aims to crush the time-traveling Frenchwoman into the ground, simply burying her heels-first in the loamy earth.
At the very least that may immobilize her until he has time to finish this level.
COMBATSYS: MaChao successfully hits Shermie with Crushing Strike.
-* CRITICAL HIT! *-
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Shermie 0/-------/-======|======-\-------\0 MaChao
Against all odds, Shermie is suspended in midair by the force of Ma Chao's pubescent shrieking. Someone is telling her to rapidly tap X to free herself but Shermie isn't from some video game so there's really no X button to be pressed. She considers this problem from an analytical standpoint while Ma Chao hits her as hard as he possibly can with his roid-raging spear technique.
The Frenchwoman is gently placed face-first into the ground. She sinks in a foot or two, a testament to the care that Ma Chao took to make sure she was comfortable. Shermie squirms uselessly for a second, only managing to free her arm, which she uses to gesture vaguely in Ma Chao's direction.
"BEEP BEEP IT'S ON BITCH CLICK WHIRR," Time Traveling Phone Booth Computer taunts. It falls on its side and then goes rolling toward Ma Chao like some kind of square steamroller hellbent on killing something in a poofty hat. Watch out, Ma Chao, it has your number!
COMBATSYS: MaChao fails to interrupt Random Weapon from Shermie with Intercepting Strike.
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Shermie 0/-------/-======|======-\-------\0 MaChao
How could Ma Chao know?
He reacts to this assault as he would any assault: with a terrifying shout.
"KYAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"
Of course, this usually atomizes any would be assailants so that Ma Chao may continue on whatever rampage he happens to be entertaining himself with. Unfortunately, he is currently dealing with a phone booth, and though it may be a time-traveling phone booth with a foul-mouthed computer, it remains primarily composed of glass. All those panels instantly shatter at Ma Chao's reverberating cry, and while this may or may not damage Shermie's ticket home, it also sends said glass flying everywhere, shearing into Ma Chao's own form, cutting into his armor, and knocking his magnificent helmet off.
Fortunately, Ma Chao's hair is shaped exactly like his helmet, right down to the intricate lion-head design on the crest above his brow and a wild mullet-like flair in back that resembles a plume. Unfortunately, Ma Chao is unfamiliar with glass sticking into his skin. Fortunately, Ma Chao has a cure-all solution to problems he doesn't understand.
"KYAAAAAAAAAAHH!"
The glass all goes flying out of his body from the force of his second scream, but the blast of wind that emerges causes his hair to lose its shape and his armor, supposedly a second skin, to also explode off his body. Inexplicably, Ma Chao is wearing a tiger-stripped jumpsuit underneath.
Needless to say, this constant shouting has toppled a nearby mountain, burying almost the entirety of the remaining enemy troops.
While all this screaming is happening from Ma "Testosterone Sprinkler" Chao, Shermie lifts herself out from the hole she's been shoved into very slowly and deliberately. She takes the time to daintily wipe the dirt off her face and fuss over her ruined clothes.
Some dudes are getting crushed to death, yeah yeah, whatever, they're fake Chinese dudes anyway and THIS TOP IS COMPLETELY RUINED. Shermie makes a plaintive moaning noise at her horrible situation, which is to say her outfit and not the exploded time traveling phone booth computer tag team partner thing. She looks up, accusingly, and sees true horror.
"Ahh! Do they not have hair stylists in video game China?! That is... that is only barely made up by your increasing nudity!"
Shermie is not someone that will be outdone. Her feet spread across the ground, assuming a powerful stance. Some serious Super Saiyan shit happens, like auras and everything, little pebbles just floating up and some guy in the background is talking about power levels. Everything from the waist up explodes off of her, leaving the Frenchwoman topless save for MA and CHAO spelled on her respective breasts in black tape that cunningly covers her nipples.
"I came... PREPARED!"
The Frenchwoman kicks off from the ground, flying like some sort of hidden dragon, her battle aura incinerating small animals and a cameraman. Her surprisingly burly arms wrap around Ma Chao's equally surprisingly svelte waist, pressing them together in the clasp of warriors-- the clasp of pain. With a heroic grunt, Shermie executes a suplex so incredibly womanly that a mushroom cloud ascends to the heaven, forming great letters spelling out:
"BAD"
"ROMANCE"
COMBATSYS: MaChao endures Shermie's Explosive New Suplex.
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Shermie 1/-------/=======|=======\=------\1 MaChao
Ma Chao, Tiger General, crouches, like some crouching tiger.
"What! This power...!?"
His shooting-star eyes flaring with a majestic light, Ma Chao spreads his arms wide and accepts, with all nobility, the Frenchwoman's mighty embrace and mushroom-cloud-inducing suplex.
"Yes!" he cries in exultation, seemingly unfazed despite his awkward post-suplexed position. "This is not the power of a man! This power-- this is an altogether different power! This power-- is--"
Ma Chao furrows his brow, deep in thought.
"It must be... the power of..."
Getting to his feet, he begins to tap the side of his spear on his head, utterly distracted from the fight as he seeks to parse this one out.
"...something... the opposite of a man..."
But suddenly, his eyes brighten, and he hoists his spear to pronounce:
"THE FRENCH!!"
Enthused once more, Ma Chao, in all his tiger stripe jumpsuit glory, plunges toward his adversary, seeking to floor her entirely with one mighty, blazing spear swipe.
"At last, the power of the French and the power of manliness, face to face!"
But can Shermie's Maginot Line defend against Ma Chao's blitzkreig?
COMBATSYS: Shermie endures MaChao's Peerless Hero.
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Shermie 1/---====/=======|=======\==-----\1 MaChao
A single, blazing spear swipe?! Shermie lives for those. She understands them. They do not scare her. When it comes, she leaps forward eagerly, taking the side of it harshly to her exposed ribs! Still, the Frenchwoman pulls herself closer, impaling herself (not really, it's just under the crook of her arm, but she's melodramatic) on Ma Chao's tiggerific length.
"Well, face to face is one way!"
Like some kind of weird sexy European spider monkey, Shermie grabs Ma Chao by the back of his neck, somehow using it to bodily hoist herself up into the air, swinging over his shoulder and performing a one-hand stand on his forehead. Then, like a weirdy sexy European spider monkey that can transform into a thunderbolt, Shermie comes darting down, feet firmly planted on the ground, arms slipping around Ma Chao's waist.
This is no mere suplex. This is the Maginot Line transforming into Maginot Gundam and then learning wrestling moves and how do you even fight a wrestling Gundam?
You don't.
COMBATSYS: Shermie successfully hits MaChao with Shermie Flash.
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Shermie 0/-------/----===|=======\=====--\1 MaChao
Quiet, Angel, you're a terrible stripper name. No, you know what's a terrible stripper name? Shermie Flash, that's a terrible stripper name.
The important thing is that Ma Chao gets lightning bolt Gundam suplexed, and the power of the impact is such that this time the /allied/ army is swept back like the tide, hurricane-force winds whipping through the battlefield and tearing tents and horses from the ground. All that reminds when the force dies is a bleak, DBZ-esque wasteland, pockmarked and pitted with the impacts of what were once living beings with miserable AI.
That, and Ma Chao.
"Such power!! Who knew the French contained it!!!"
Ma Chao is in awe. He cannot face such prowess and fail to retaliate in kind. And so it begins: taking a deep breath, the warrior worth a thousand swells with air and pride, his eyes popping out as he gathers some terrifying force within him. Light and space begin to bend around him as his mass increases a millionfold, his whole form shuddering spasmodically with the intensity he is gathering. And then what could occur but
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
The scream does not pierce Shermie; and there is nothing left to destroy upon the surface of this battlefield. It penetrates down into the earth, deep into its core, and erupts there, tearing through the planet until in a surge of magma and fire--
Well, the results are best seen from space: countless glowing red lines appear across the surface of the Earth, until the planet itself explodes, shattering into infinite miniscule particles and scattering into spacedust.
Only one solid peace of Earth remains, upon which Ma Chao stands.
The only question is:
Is Shermie on it too?
COMBATSYS: MaChao successfully hits Shermie with Horseman of the Apocalypse.
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Shermie 0/-------/=======|==-----\-------\0 MaChao
This is some serious Hollywood Blockbuster stuff here. There is a thirty minute escape sequence where Shermie meets up with some other survivors and they try to get out of exploding Hong Kong and there's a plane and the villain is flying a fighter jet and not to spoil things but the male lead dies to save everyone and he is legend.
Just as Shermie's escape plane is about to explode, everything freezes and goes black and white.
"What?! Is this the end of the movie or something? I've never been in one before."
"SHERMIE WE ARE THE OOC TIME LORDS"
"What?"
"STOP SAYING WHAT"
"Okay."
"SHERMIE TO SPEAK FRANKLY WE ARE COMPLETELY TIRED OF YOUR BULLSHIT"
"I don't know why you're being so aggressive!"
"LOOK THIS GUY IS NAMED MA CHAO AND-- AND-- AND WHY ARE YOU EVEN WEARING HIS NAME ON YOUR TITS"
"It seemed like a good idea at the time."
"WHAT TIME EVEN, WE ARE TIME LORDS AND WE ARE CONFUSED"
"Look we're running short on time."
"OKAY LOOK WE'RE TAKING YOU HOME, BUT YOU GET TO ASK ONE FAVOR OF US, THE TIME LORDS"
Shermie rubs her chin. Her plane, half-shattered and on fire, sits above Ma Chao's tiny little piece of Earth. "I think... I want to leave that darling little man a final gift, so he has something to remember our time together with."
"WHAT KIND OF GIFT"
"Coney Island."
When the Time Lords take Shermie back to her own time, there are two things standing on the last little chunk of Earth. Ma Chao, and an entire goddamn carnival.
COMBATSYS: Shermie can no longer fight.
[ \\\\\\\\ <
MaChao 0/-------/-----==|
COMBATSYS: Shermie successfully hits MaChao with Huge Random Weapon.
? Strange Hit! ?
[ \\\ <
MaChao 0/-------/---====|
"At last, I am triumpha--"
BAD END
COMBATSYS: MaChao takes no action.
COMBATSYS: MaChao can no longer fight.
Log created on 19:34:11 04/18/2010 by MaChao, and last modified on 12:48:28 04/21/2010.