Description: Poison visits Star Wars! Vanessa visits Star Trek! Neither of these things matter past the first couple poses!
So this one time--
Poison, the Mad Gear Vixen herself, got launched into space. Why and how isn't important, although both of those answers essentially boil down to 'Mayor Mike Haggar,' and if he doesn't want to consent to that, this is the OIC Tournament and he can really just go fuck himself. Now that the tone of the evening has been properly established, we can get into the truly important details, like what Poison is wearing, because people read MOTM fight logs for that sort of thing.
This is what happened: Poison rocketed and rocketed though space until she slammed into another rocketship. Because she doesn't have any space insurance, the space judge declared that she had to become the other ship's butler, which she did for all of five minutes before stealing a shuttle and realizing she has no goddamn clue how to fly in outer space. Eventually she crashed into Cloud City, where Lando Calrissian macked all over her until his hand made a startling revelation in the course of its instinctive travels, and to avoid a scandal (re-election this month) he ordered Poison, quote, 'thrown into the smelting pit.'
This is where Poison met the Ugunaughts, these tiny little troll people who were captivated by her beauty and didn't even really seem to mind that she had an adam's apple. She enchanted them with stories on things like 'why Cody needs to quit being, quote, "a faggot" and sleep with her,' 'why Yamazaki is, quote, "a stud" and needs to bridge her with Cody,' and the ever-popular 'where can she get some fucking cocaine in this retarded-ass space hovel.' In gratitude -- because, shit, it's not like they understood a word of her unhinged ramblings -- they saw fit to bequeath her a new pair of cutoffs, woven from the finest space silver, glittering in the light and flattering the illusion of her womanhood.
Through her loyal dwarf minions, Poison managed to secure transport to Earth, which abruptly terminated when Poison decided to change the terms of the payment owed because 'look, I'm really tired and I just don't feel like it right now, and if you lay one hand on me that is /space rape/, asshole.' So she got thrown out somewhere over the Floating Island.
By now, Poison is increasingly sure that this is all just some kind of PCP hallucination.
Which means, of course, she is ready to fight any fucking thing that so much as fucking moves.
COMBATSYS: Poison has started a fight here.
[\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ <
Poison 0/-------/-------|
Vanessa, Heidern's on-again off-again "close personal friend", has spent a fair bit of time around the Ikari, recently, and on one such journey, she staggered out of the makeshift tiki bar, stumbled up to Ralf, and told him he was slow, fat, and hit like a girl.
The resulting Galactica Phantom opened a rift across time and space, sending Vanessa hurtling across the universe, to the planet Kronos, which stupid people spell with a q, an apostrophe, and no r.
Well, it's a long story, and this pose has waited long enough, but basically Vanessa drank all their beer and then stole a Bird of Prey, crashed it into the moon, which she then rode to the surface in a fiery cataclysmic hellsplosion, and basically to make a long story short that is why she lands in front of Poison, on fire.
COMBATSYS: Vanessa has joined the fight here.
[\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > //////////////////////////////]
Vanessa 0/-------/-------|-------\-------\0 Poison
When Vanessa lands in front of Poison, on fire, the pink-haired woman in the silver cutoffs is given pause. She doesn't actually... lift a finger to help her, or anything. Mostly she just squints, frowns, and adjusts her stylish Nazi officer's hat, which she probably stole from a dead Nazi, or, more likely, a surf Nazi.
Poison briefly wonders if this is some sort of communication from God, like how... that... guy... saw that... burning... thing. That one time. Poison is pretty sure that that was in the Bible.
Poison got thrown out of Sunday school because apparently it was inappropriate for a young boy to say Jesus would look much cuter if he got a haircut and a shave and put on some muscle.
Then Poison realizes the true meaning of this divine vision:
"HEY! YOU NEARLY HIT ME WITH YOUR FALLING FROM THE SKY BULLSHIT, /ASSHOLE/!"
This is around when Poison kicks one of her high-heeled feet right up at Vanessa's flamin' noggin.
COMBATSYS: Vanessa blocks Poison's Light Kick.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > //////////////////////////////]
Vanessa 0/-------/-------|-------\-------\0 Poison
Vanessa plants one fist into the ground, wobbling a little as she wedges one leather-clad knee under herand uses it to sloooowly rise up.
In her other hand is a bottle of Klingon Adjective Wine, which is actually also on fire. "WhoooooEEEEEEE!" she cackles, apparently totally fine despite the horrible burning. "Man, they know how to PARTY!"
Eyes lock about ten degrees to Poison's left. "Eh?" she asks. "What's yer problem, sugartits?"
Her drinkin' arm snaps up and catches the incoming foot on her forearm, giving Vanessa an opportunity to open up and pour a gout of fire down her throat. "Look!" she jeers back. "'s not /my/ fault your shitty dye job was the best thing to a target I could find on this rock, yeah?"
Then she lunges forward, trips over her own crater, and headbutts Poison in the abdomen on the way down.
COMBATSYS: Poison blocks Vanessa's Dash Puncher.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > //////////////////////////// ]
Vanessa 0/-------/------=|=------\-------\0 Poison
Poison is so in shock that she can't even dodge Vanessa's drunken stumble. Her dye job? Shitty? "MY HAIR WAS DYED BY THE /GODS/ THEMSELVES," Poison roars, just as Vanessa smashes into her.
SOME TIME AGO
Poison does like nine hundred goddamn sit-ups without a pause because she's, well, jacked up on illegal stimulants.
NOW
Poison flexes her stomach involuntarily, which somehow is enough to return enough pressure to keep Vanessa's skull from doing too much damage. "WHOA!" Poison cries out, skittering backward.
"I heard you old dykes are pushy, but /that/ was way, way too much! Besides, I don't go in for that shit, lady!" Poison scowls deeply, but it's a sexy scowl, because an Alluring bonus just triggered, which means that her scowl is /so/ sexy that her next attack will give her a lot more super, but also grant Vanessa a little extra super as well.
Meanwhile, what's actually /happening/ is Poison has unhooked her handcuffs (sexy! alluring!) and us attempting to use their chain as a garrote to choke Vanessa with. "Fucking dyke--"
COMBATSYS: Vanessa fails to counter I Learned This in Prison from Poison with Parrying Puncher.
~~ Alluring Hit! ~~
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > /////////////////////////// ]
Vanessa 0/-------/=======|=====--\-------\0 Poison
Vanessa headbutts a set of powerful prison abs, her skull kind of bouncing off, and landing her flat on the ground.
She rolls over, and she has to admit, in her stupefied drunken stupor, that Poison has very nice teeth, a nice shape to her jaw, you know? Except for the...Adam's apple...and the...package....
..."You are /way/ too sexy," Vanessa decides, aloud, which is probably about why Poison sexily attempts to choke the life out of her, earning a "GAAGHK" as Vanessa attempts to punch upward at Poison's face, which works out surprisingly poorly.
Poison sputters with incoherent rage, stopping her attempt to choke Vanessa to death and shoving her away in disgust. "You-- YOU-- /ARGH/!" Right when Poison needs a homophobic slur the most, she completely blanks out, because really, two 'dykes' and a 'faggot' is enough for one scene, in addition to being a good recipe for a party.
Poison hisses angrily and rubs at her jaw, her other hand balling tightly into a fist. "You're -- you're /FUCKING WITH ME/!" Poison snarls, jabbing a finger toward Vanessa in rage. Her silver cutoffs glitter in the space light. It is /fan/-tastic.
"I'LL FUCKING SHOW YOU! YOU WON'T SEXUALLY HARASS PEOPLE WITH BROKEN FUCKING SHOULDERS!" Never mind the fact that Vanessa's shoulders are probably like strong enough to withstand a mortar attack, Poison nonetheless responds to 'unwanted affection' by, uh, /leaping onto Vanessa/, trying to grab her from behind and...
...okay, it's technically still a full nelson, but really, they usually don't...
SOME TIME AGO
Poison is on Dagobah. Yoda is teaching her.
"SHUT UP YOU LITTLE ELF FUCKFACE, I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!" she screams, as she puts an X-Wing into a full nelson.
Yoda's big eyes pop out in horror.
Then they roll around on the ground.
NOW
...anyway, full nelsons aren't usually so, you know. Grind-y.
COMBATSYS: Vanessa blocks Poison's Full Nelson.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > ////////////////////////// ]
Vanessa 1/-------/=======|======-\-------\0 Poison
Vanessa gargles, when Poison accuses her of fucking with her (head, for now). It would have been a cheerful 'yep!' but Poison is trying to kill her.
Poison grabs her by the shoulders then - gripping her arms in a way that could /probably/ seriously break her arms or at least her shoulders, if Vanessa had not passed the Klingon trial of kal'flar'g'flugan, which consists of supporting the weight of seven generals upon one's own back, in symbolic display of the metaphorical ability to carry the weight of the world. Then she did what she does now to Poison: Howl with all the fire and glory of a radioactive sun, as she throws all her weight into spinning around on her back and grinding Poison into the ground!!
COMBATSYS: Poison dodges Vanessa's Violent Clinching.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > ////////////////////////// ]
Vanessa 1/-------/=======|======-\-------\0 Poison
The problem with Vanessa's plan is that she does it too hard. Instead of spinning and crushing Poison, she spins and throws Poison off of her, resulting in the Mad Gear villainess bouncing on the ground a few times, roughly. "Ungh! Ngh! Gah!"
Poison slowly stands, looking a little dusted up but no worse for wear. "Okay, that does it, bitch," Poison says.
"You're gonna wish I never whipped this out." Slowly, Poison moves to unzip her shorts.
From them, she procures:
A lightsaber.
Flashing to life, its blade a brilliant tan, Poison charges at Vanessa, despite having no idea how to use a sword that has no weight.
Or a real sword, for that matter.
COMBATSYS: Vanessa fails to counter Random Weapon from Poison with Puncher Vision.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > ////////////////////////// ]
Vanessa 1/----===/=======|=======\-------\0 Poison
Vanessa throws Poison free, giving Vanessa the chance to push to her feet, wobbling and looking to Poison's right. "Ahhh!" Vanessa wails. "Triple-image technique?!"
And then she adds, "Ahhh! Triple plasma sword technique!!" Because lightsaber is a registered trademark, see. She hops back and forth between her feet, trying to get ready, and then LUNGES FORWARD in an /epic blow/, moving too fast to track, to punch the sword in Poison's hand so hard it bends back and stabs Poison in the face!
This would work fantastically, except Vanessa doesn't have Reflect and it was a physical-type attack anyway, so instead she the blade explodes the bottle in her hand and Vanessa becomes EVEN MORE ON FIRE.
When Vanessa's bottle of klingon spice wine or whatever the fuck ("it's green!") explodes and causes her to catch on even more fire than she was previously burning with, Poison scowls. "How are you even /alive/?!" she snaps, ignoring the fact that in fighting games, people regularly get, like, Fatalitied and stuff and then pop right back up even though someone did a UMK3 Brutality after like nineteen goddamn tries to get the four hundred button presses timed right only to see the thoroughly unimpressive sight of the screen going dark and the person choppily exploding into nineteen ribcage sprites and a femur.
Poison sneers, throwing the lightsaber away. It whisks through space, cutting through everything in its path.
Off to one side, Hugo is holding his giant sandwich aloft, trying to figure out how to cut it with only the power of grunting and mental retardation.
The lightsaber swings into him, sticks into his shoulder, and just... stays there.
Hugo doesn't notice as he continues to puzzle over the sandwich.
Poison looks around for something to power herself up with. Off in another direction, a huge pile of white powder sits on a tabletop, for no real reason. "NOW YOU'RE IN FUCKING TROUBLE!" Poison cries, diving at the pile and burying her face in it, snorting so deeply that half of it disappears and she looks like she just got flour'd. "FNNNNNFFFFRRRFFFF UUUGGGHGHGH AAAGGGGHH WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?!" she screams, looking at helpful signage that notes that she just did half a kilo of asbestos.
Which actually kind of works out, because she surges at Vanessa, swinging her now fireproof head at the burning woman. "GRRRRRAAAHHH EAT CANCER!"
COMBATSYS: Vanessa auto-guards Poison's Headbutt!
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > ///////////////////////// ]
Vanessa 1/---====/=======|=====--\-------\0 Poison
Vanessa becomes even more on fire, which studies show should probably have killed her a few times by now, to say nothing about the part where she got here by riding the moon, from orbit.
Well, that's just kind of how these things go. Poison snaps at her, and Vanessa offers a somewhat indignant, "How the hell should I know!?!?" as if this is something fighting game characters actually care about. Poison sneers and throws her lightsaber away, and Vanessa, in a fit of pique, attempts to lick some spice wine off her glove, burning her tongue. "GAH!"
She looks up when Poison starts wailing, and tips her head. "You know," she says, "isn't that stuff bad for you? I knew a guy in college who was into that. Poor guy." She sniffs, thoughtfully. "Or was that beer? Hmmmm."
Eyes clear from the misty past as Poison charges at her, and Vanessa wails, "No way! Man, have you tried cancer!? Shit, now the taste's in my mouth again," and she just reaches out with one explosively burning hand, and /catches Poison's head/. "Besides, I get regular checkups! And so should you, with all the shit you're doing, lady." She holds up one hand, high above her head, sparks of golden chi flitting around before they cycle around each other, creating a whipping, powerful hurricane centered on her fist!
Because of the peculiarities of the universe, this somehow means Vanessa's body is no longer on fire, but her arm is on a lot of fire, and she then yells, "While you're at it, get this looked at!" and then punches Poison in the chest with a haymaker made entirely of fire. And wind.
COMBATSYS: Poison fails to interrupt Puncher Finish from Vanessa with Faceplanter.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > /////////////// ]
Vanessa 0/-------/-------|=======\====---\1 Poison
Whoa there! Punching Poison's chest with a flamin' fist -- not cool. Largely because there's no telling /what/ could happen if those things light up. And that's why Poison tries to reach out and grab Vanessa by the hair and redirect her momentum, except--
"OH FUCK MY HANDS ARE TOTALLY ON FIRE"
Poison snaps her hands away as the fire dances up her arms, and then gets punched in the chest, causing her breast implants to go up like miniature Hindenburgs. She violently explodes, leaving nothing but a splattered puddle of silicone.
For a long moment, there is silence.
And then -- the puddles quiver.
Slowly, they collect themselves, pooling into a silver mass that happens to look exactly like CGI from 1991. The silver blob rises into a shimmering humanoid figure that eventually balloons out into obscene curves and recolors into the flesh, cotton, denim, and Nazi hat that is Poison.
"YOU /WHORE/!"
Vanessa, as is the tradition in this situation, turns her back on the massive explosion, biting her glove to loosen it a little and suck a little wine out. "Mannn, I need a drink," says the woman currently coasting on a lowly 8.7 BAC.
And then the splatters start to quiver, and Vanessa blinks, tugging her glove back on with her teeth, muttering around it, "God, or maybe I need detox, what?"
Her thumbs find their way under the suspenders that run under her by-now mostly-absent shirt, while Vanessa refrains from moving too much, because 1991 CGI had difficulty if there were moving things in the shot. And then Poison re-emerges like some kind of drag terminator, and Vanessa can only snap her suspenders against her abs and laugh, "Well, maybe once or twice."
Then she ticks a mad little grin and darts in - suddenly lunging right into Poison's face with fist cocked back to swing round to her jaw. "College, y'know!?"
COMBATSYS: Poison dodges Vanessa's Hook Punch.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > /////////////// ]
Vanessa 0/-------/-------|=======\====---\1 Poison
Poison knows that the main way to avoid getting punched in the fucking grill is to move your head. This is how she learned that:
SOME TIME AGO
Poison is sitting around, minding her own business, counting her cut of Mad Gear's latest rip-off because she's the sort of bitch who will sit there and count her money in front of Katana, and then call him 'Sodom' when he talks shit about it.
Suddenly, MISTER KARATE appears and punches Poison in the face with a karate chop.
Poison topples backward, gripping her face. "OW, WHAT THE FUCK?!" she cries.
"SHOULD HAVE MOVED YOUR HEAD," Mister Karate howls, going into various poses that may or may not be part of a kata. "AND THAT'S KARATE!"
NOW
And that's what Poison learned from Mister Karate, that one magical summer when he taught her everything.
"GRRRAAHHHH I THINK I'M GOING DEAF FROM SNORTING ALL THAT FUCKING ASBESTOS" Poison roars as a delirious battle cry. Ignoring the fact that she /just exploded from touching Vanessa pretty much/, Poison grabs at the burly MILF again and seeks to lock her arms around the woman's waist -- to scoop her up and then, with a perfunctory airplane spin, suddenly slam her down.
Spine-first.
Onto Poison's knee.
To Poison's left, the translucent blue ghosts of Alec Guiness, Hayden Christensen, and a Yoda puppet watch, frowning slowly.
COMBATSYS: Vanessa counters Backbreaker from Poison with Parrying Puncher EX.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > //////////// ]
Vanessa 0/-------/-----==|==-----\-------\0 Poison
Vanessa's hook(er) punch swings wide, and Vanessa gasps, horrified, "Moved her head?! Who could have taught her that!?" But of course, the answer is plain: Only a student of Mister Karate himself could have mastered such an ancient technique for avoiding a lower-middle-aged lady punching you in the craw. That's just karate science.
Vanessa, however, prefers the sweet science, which holds that you respond to every attack by beating the other person stupid. Poison dances around to lock arms around Vanessa's waist!Vanessa, however, is /highly accomplished/, and whips around, cocks back her arm, and yells, "Then this'll clear you right up!!" and plants a rapid hook right into Poison's nose, because detonating the nasal passage clears out asbestos. Because that is also science.
Science, as it turns out, is immutable.
Poison gets her nose blasted backward into her brain or something, and asbestos shoots out of her ears in long puffs. She tumbles to the ground, groaning in pain, and then blinks a few times: "Wow, I can hear again! That -- that actually helped a lot! Thanks!"
Poison gets up and dusts herself off. "Hey, listen, I'm sorry I called you a whore and a dyke and blah blah blah, I mean, you know, sometimes I just get so /angry/ and..."
Poison waggles her hand non-comittally. "Listen, though, I want to make it up to you."
Reaching into her cutoffs, which really should not be able to fit /her/, let alone her plus her hand, Poison removes one of those old-school 90s slap bracelets, currently rigid and pre-slapped. "To show that we're now friends and--"
While walking toward Vanessa with the bracelet, Poison's heel breaks, and she suddenly tumbles forward -- "Whoaaa" -- and inadvertently swings the slap bracelet right toward Vanessa's eye!
COMBATSYS: Vanessa effortlessly blocks Poison's Trip 'n Whip.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > ////////// ]
Vanessa 0/-------/----===|===----\-------\0 Poison
Vanessa plants hands on her hips, thumbs slipping under her suspenders cheerfully, because that was kind of fun. "Yeah?" Vanessa chirps, looks up and whoof, blows out a little smoldering on the tips of her once-red hair.
"Well, you know, always glad to help a lady in need, right?" the older lady says, standing there pleasantly and grinning.
Poison reaches into her terrifying cutoffs, and Vanessa loosens a hand to sort of gesture lazily at the universe. "Yeah, I know how it is, you get the right stuff in your head and wham, you wake up the next day with blood in your teeth and a warrant for your arrest, right?" She laughs, eagerly, and then Poison trips and swings a slap bracelet at her eye, and Vanessa sort of reflexively swings around and knocks it aside, tripping backward under the sudden weight, but having the presence of mind to swing around mid-fall and put Poison on the ground first, and in the process lodges her elbow in Poison's throat.
Somewhere, someone appaerntly finds this sexy.
COMBATSYS: Vanessa successfully hits Poison with Puncher Weaving.
~~ Alluring Hit! ~~
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\\ < > ///// ]
Vanessa 0/-------/=======|=======\-------\1 Poison
Poison has to resist the urge to get a boner.
But she fails, and it jabs at Vanessa's thigh powerfully.
Fuck you, OIC tournament.
COMBATSYS: Vanessa counters Fierce Strike from Poison with Puncher Vision.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\ < > / ]
Vanessa 1/------=/=======|=======\====---\1 Poison
Vanessa senses a boner approaching thigh, using her highly advanced cougar powers, and shrieks, "JESUS CHRIST IT'S A DICKGIRL" and slams her knee into Poison's crotch on pure weight of reflex.
Knees count as fists under certain boxing rules.
Poison gets kneed right the hell in the dick, causing her to yowl so loud and hard and high that glass, everywhere, shatters. No, literally, everywhere, forever.
After all that glass is done breaking, pan back and out, to Bugs Bunny sitting at an animator's table, gnawing on a carrot.
"Ain't I a stinker?" he asks, and winks.
And then Vanessa wakes up, and her pillow is gone.
COMBATSYS: Poison takes no action.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\ <
Vanessa 1/------=/=======|
COMBATSYS: Poison can no longer fight.
[ \\\\\\\\\\\\ <
Vanessa 1/------=/=======|
Log created on 21:16:36 04/17/2010 by Vanessa, and last modified on 12:46:39 04/21/2010.