Description: Dr. Sputnik, perhaps Southtown's most powerful wizard, attempts to help Cody with his horrible addiction to penis, when Dr. Tran bursts onto the scene, determined to bring his old nemesis down at last. Then things get weird.
PSYCHIATRIC WARD
SOUTHTOWN HOSPITAL
Dr. Feelgood Sputnik - and yes, that is his real name - is a little respected and much feared man in the field of medicine. Perhaps this is because he received his doctorate via e-mail, for the low price of forty dollars; perhaps it is his long and studied career as a professional wizard.
It's tough to say.
Cody Travers is, somehow, still in the 'custody' of the YFC4 administrationn, in thanks to being rapidly cycled through hospitals; he doesn't spend more than a night in any facility. This is because, as the man himself foretold, the day after he departs a hospital or medical center - indeed, sometimes mere hours afterwards - the facility in question is torn apart, reportedly by the same two women each time.
And now the YFC4 staff have shuffled Cody into the care of Dr. Sputnik. The blonde is stretched out on a leather couch, staring at the ceiling. On the other side of the small office sits the good Doctor, in a wooden throne that looks like it belongs in a medieval castle. The walls of the office are adorned richly with tapestries, human skulls, and on one occasion what appears to be a unicorn horn.
"Nau," Dr. Sputnik says, lifting his eyes from the chart he holds in his hands. "Vy do you take zis thing, the Glow?"
"Man, I keep telling everybody," Cody glowers. He actually looks good, for once; they're trying to slow wean him off Glow, but that involves, to an extent, giving him the proper dosage for his medical condition, as opposed to "R"'s tactic of 'let's stick a bunch in him and see what happens.' "It's fuckin' medicine. I need it for my fuckin'... Add, add-something. I don't know."
"Mmm, yes, yes," Dr. Sputnik says, tapping a pen on the chart thoughtfully. "Now, this 'Add-something', it is metaphor, yes? For your envy of the penis."
"No, it's- whoa, hold on, what?" Cody demands, turning to look at the doctor.
"The penis! The penis of your fellow man," Dr. Sputnik explains. "You see it, and you wish to haff it. You desire the penis for your own, so that-"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Cody interrupts, beginning to sit up. "Listen, I ain't some kinda faggot, I don't-"
"Such unkind words!" scoffs Dr. Sputnik. "The envy of the penis, she is not for the gays. She is-"
In a continuation of the ongoing string of interruptions, Dr. Sputnik's office suddenly fills with a shrill alarm as every skull on the wall opens its mouth and begins to scream. The doctor's eyes widen in surprise. "No," he snarls, rising out of his throne and turning towards the door. "He is here!!"
First things first: the ceiling explodes.
Directly behind the good doctor, amidst the nigh-impenetrable cloud of plaster and debris, it soon becomes clear that the skulls are not the only ones screaming. "DR. SPUTNIK. YOU SON OF A BITCH, I'VE FINALLY FOUND WHERE YOU'VE BEEN HIDING ALL THESE YEARS!" A hospital. Who would've guessed? No, really, if you've met him, how would you ever figure that one out?
Striding forth confidently, trails of dust streaming off of him, Dr. Richard Tran, the greatest doctor the world has ever known, does what he does best: he points his finger, dripping with accusation.
"No!!" Sputnik recoils as if struck, but rallies with a supreme force of will. "Your finger, it is the metaphor! For the penis you always wish you had, grasped tightly, the lack of which you haff no choice but to blame for all of your shortcomings!"
Tran slams a fist into the couch by Cody's head, evidently as yet unaware that the famed outlaw is there. "This is the end, Sputnik! The Commission had had enough of your retarded-ass quackery and brainless antics!"
"Aaah," cautions Sputnik with a wag of his finger. "Have zhey? I assure you, Doctor Tran, zhey are just beginning!" He dives for his desk, flips open a decorative and highly collectable Mickey Mouse figurine, and slams his fist on the button. The skulls cease screaming; at least on an audible level. "Behold, ze ultimate fruits of my research! ZE HYPNO-FIELD!" The air practically bends with passing of the sub-sonic hypno-waves, and Tran barely has time to mutter, "Ha! Can't...be...hypno...nrg," before he collapses on the floor.
Cody summarizes his feelings on the issue by shouting, "What the fuck is going on?!" He sits fully up, swings his legs off the couch, and rises to his feet just as the Hypno-Field engages. "LIsten, you German homo, I don't-"
The transition is instant; one moment Cody is standing there, and the next he is in a heap on the floor, his limbs twisted in ways that should not really be possible, snoring loudly.
Dr. Sputnik turns to the camera, lifts his hands, and begins slowly caressing the air downwards on either side of his face and a few inches in front of it, waggling his hands as he does so. As he does, he chants, "Doodle-oodle-oo, doodle-oodle-oo, doodle-oodle-oo..."
Gradually, the room becomes wavier and wavier as it is distorted by Dr. Sputnik's dark magick, and within a few moments, his office has vanished entirely...
THE O.K. CORRAL
OCTOBER 26, 1881
Wyatt Earp, who looks surprisingly like Cody Travers if Cody Travers were a cowboy, stands at one end of an alleyway between Fly's Lodging House and the MacDonald assay house. To his left stands 'Doc' Holliday, who as it turns out looks very much like Mike Haggar if Mike Haggar were a cowboy, and to his right stands the stern and silent 'Mr. Wu.'
Guess who he looks like.
Wyatt Earp suddenly lifts his hands and stares down at them. What, Cody Travers wonders, as he stares down at 'his' hands. What directly the fuck. Doc Holliday reaches over to touch Wyatt on the shoulder. "You alright?" he asks, concerned by his comrade's sudden obvious confusion.
"Uh," Cody responds-- what the fuck, his voice is different too?! "I'm... uh."
Mr. Wu clears his throat, and raises a hand to point at the truly massive gathering of ne'erdowells entering the alleyway from the other side. At their head is one man; the man Earp, Holliday, and Wu have come to defeat.
"San Francisco Cocksucker," Wu declares, his tone dire.
At the other end of the ally stands the mysterious man known only as 'The Gold Russian', renowned across the state of Arizona for his ill-gotten gains in a series of robberies, each more daring than the last. Hushed rumor states that he's so wealthy, he had the long, smooth barrels of his guns plated with gold, relentlessly polished every day to the point where the sunlight reflecting off of them could get in your eye and just make a mess of things.
On the roof of Fly's Lodging, Dr. Richard Tran is very confused. Judging from appearances, he is a twelve year old dressed like a cowboy who is also a doctor, judging from the hat and that medical bag. He does not know why he is here or what he is doing, but he does know one thing (or at least he thinks he knows it. It's all a little fuzzy, honestly). He was born and raised in San Francisco and anybody who disses (disses? where did that word come from?) his town is going to /pay/.
"SUCK THIS COCK, ASSHOLE! THE COCK OF DOCTOR CHINA!" His squeaky voice rings out through the alleyway, echoing with unusual strength, followed shortly by the extremely small, extremely smooth-skinned oriental man flinging himself off the top of the building, not even bothering to go for his guns as he careens toward Mr. Wu.
Needless to say, it's at about this point that all hell breaks loose.
Doctor China flings himself from the rooftop at Mr. Wu, and the Oriental man's gaze pivots smoothly to the young boy flying through the air at him. He does not react; his arms remain calmly folded in front of him, hands tucked into his sleeves.
A heartbeat before Doctor China would collide with Mr. Wu, the man disappears, his body replaced entirely by action lines as he zwees away. He reappears in the midst of The Gold Russian's gang, who have all begun to draw their firearms and level them down the alleyway. The men gasp in surprise, and recoil away from the sudden appearance of the Chinaman.
Mr. Wu raises his hand above his head, and a brilliant spark of chi appears in it. With a tremendous cry of, "BUSHIN... RYU!!" Mr. Wu slams his fist downwards, and the end of the alleyway erupts into a tremendous explosion.
Doc Holliday, grinning ear to ear, begins to jog into the growing plume of smuke at the opposite end of the alley, from which has begun to emerge the sounds of battle, both the grunts and thuds of fisticuffs and the staccato rhythm of gunfire. "Let's go, Wyatt," he calls.
But Wyatt Earp isn't looking at the battle; he's looking at Doctor China, his eyes wide with shock. Cody Travers's mind trembles as more genetic memories flood his conciousness...
TOMBSTONE, ARIZONA - UNSPECIFIED LOCATION
OCTOBER 22, 1881
Wyatt Earp runs outside, shouting, as a small Chinese boy steals his favorite pair of pants off his clothesline.
FINAL FIGHT AT THE O.K. CORRAL
OCTOBER 26, 1881
"Give me those pants, you fuckin' chink!" Wyatt Earp snarls. Cody is, briefly, uncomfortable; not because he used the word 'chink', but because he did not conciously /choose/ to use the word chink.
He does, however, choose to slam his booted foot outwards like a piston, so hard that he goes sliding through the dirt towards Doctor China on the foot that remains on the ground. Despite the fact that he is faced with a twelve year old boy, his kick is still carefully positioned to strike the child directly in the craw.
COMBATSYS: Cody has started a fight here.
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Cody 0/-------/------=|
COMBATSYS: Tran has joined the fight here.
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Tran 0/-------/-------|=------\-------\0 Cody
COMBATSYS: Tran blocks Cody's Ruffian Kick.
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Tran 0/-------/------=|==-----\-------\0 Cody
Finding himself with a big armful of nothing, Doctor 'Doc China' Chinaman blinks in confusion. Wasn't there...was there a...y'know...guy there? This is all incredibly confusing.
Down at the other end of the alleyway, as Mr. Wu and Doc Holliday start kicking ass, the Gold Russian attempts to rally his troops from his extremely expensive, extremely impractical wheeled sitting chair. "You are all beink idiots! Fightink harder! Kill zem!"
When that doesn't work, he starts to comfort himself by rubbing his golden gun with an oily rag.
Mildly disturbing imagery aside, Doc China stares blankly at Wyatt Earp comes sliding at him, foot first. "You cocksucka!" He screams, raising his tiny little child-like arms to intercept it. "I have good plactice, been in business for over forty year!" The tiny, /tiny/ man pauses again in confusion, wondering why in the name of god he is talking like this, before deciding it's not worth thinking about and launching himself into action.
"I come here to settle score with shiny cocksucka, but now I settle you!" That said, the angry little doctor hunches over, flexes, and then his shirt explodes off of him like he was the incredible hulk, revealing an amazingly muscular, if less than five foot tall body underneath. Bits of shrapnel fly out all around him.
He adds, for good measure, "Cock sucka!"
COMBATSYS: Cody endures Tran's Dr. Tran Takes Off His Top.
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Tran 0/-------/------=|===----\-------\0 Cody
Wyatt Earp doesn't even flinch when Doc China explodes his shirt off of his tiny, amazingly muscular frame; cloth shrapnel peppers his torso, blasting small holes in his shirt and raising welts on his chest.
There is no scientific justification for this.
Without so much as pausing, however, Wyatt lowers his leg and suddenly pitches forward, reaching out his hands and attempting to wrap them around Doc China's svelte ladyboy throat. His actual maneuver is simple; to choke the life out of him as if he were Bart simpson.
He makes it seem more involved by talking the entire time. "Well, I hope within the confines of that most charitable /fuckin'/ offer, you decide to provide me with the necessary challenge that I might properly enjoy such an invigorating /fuckin'/ bout of /fuckin'/ fisticuffs, you stupid son of a bitch!" Wyatt Earp snarls.
"Because if I am not provided with adequate challenge during that bout of fisticuffs between two men of supposed bravery and strength, I shall smack you so /fuckin'/ hard upside that stupid /fuckin'/ chink head of yours so as to knock your buck teeth up into the front of your brain, providing you with a moment of /fuckin'/ clarity, in which you will say out loud to yourself, 'Why did I not display for this cocksucker the valor and/or expertise that he requested at the outset of this /fuckin'/ martial exchange', you dumb son of a /bitch!/"
COMBATSYS: Tran dodges Cody's Strong Throw.
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Tran 0/-------/------=|===----\-------\0 Cody
Never underestimate the power of ancient chinese medical secrets. They will /fuck you up/. Though Wyatt Earp's choking does do several things, such as turning Doc China's face red, it is not because it is actually effective. Like, at all.
"God damn cocksucka fancy talker, choking no work on me!" He flexes again, muscles rippling and pulsing grotesquely. "I learn how to breath through my /skin/ when I was three year old!" Were one to look at his pores, getting uncomfortably close to that bulging physique, they would, indeed, be puckering open and shut like a nightmarish collection of stationary sea life.
Growing angrier and angrier, it takes little time for the tiny Asian man to retaliate, wrapping his short yet surprisingly powerful arms around Wyatt Earp's thick torso. Slamming one leg down, the two are propelled upward with amazing force, leading to a fancy bit of aerial wankery that results in both of them rocketing back down to earth, with Doc China's head planted in the bigger man's belly to spear him like a fish when they land.
COMBATSYS: Cody endures Tran's 3 2 1...Dr Tran.
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Tran 0/-------/----===|=====--\-------\0 Cody
Wyatt Earp's eyes bulge almost comically out of his skull when Doc China's head sandwiches his abdomen between itself and the ground like a Thwomp... but he never attempted to escape the high-flying grapple. In fact, at the peak of the combatants' leap into the sky, he put his fingers in his mouth and whistled sharply!
TWO SECONDS AGO
Doc Holliday slides to a halt mid-spinning clothesline, looks over, and nods once. He trundles over to a large wooden barrel nearby, leaving Mr. Wu to deal with the entirety of the gang for a few seconds - which he does just fine.
The enormous doctor lifts the barrel above his head and hurls it down the alleyway towards the descending Wyatt Earp and Doc China!!
NOW
The prone Wyatt, his eyes still bulging from his head, throws his hands out 'above' his head and catches the incoming barrel. His fingers dig into the wood, and with a cry of, "CHINK MOTHERFUCKER!" he swings the barrel downwards, smashing it against the tiny body of Doctor Chinaman.
And, also, his own stomach.
When the barrel breaks, its contents are revealed to be one entire, expertly plated turkey. Go figure.
COMBATSYS: Tran fails to interrupt Large Random Weapon from Cody with Dr. Tran Bites the Bullet.
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Tran 0/-------/--=====|======-\-------\0 Cody
Doc China eloquently states, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
By this point, the combination of anger and self-inflicted blunt trauma to the head has turned his entire head roughly the shade of a cherry tomato. Staggering about, dazed, he almost completely misses Wyatt Earp's barrel-catching feat.
However, spot it he does. Damn if he's going to let it interrupt him in any way, shape, or form. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," he continues, up until the point where the barrel collides squarely with his mouth. This is the point at which he mixes it up, slightly.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA," and then he finishes, "Cock /SUCKA/! When I through with you, you wish you--"
Doc China stops cold. "Is that...WHAT TURKEY DOING HERE?"
Grunting with effort, Wyatt Earp hauls himself quickly to his feet while Doc China is distracted by the turkey. Cody, at this point, has given entirely up on attempting to figure out what's going on, and just roll with it. If he's been sent back in time into the body of a cowboy who really wants to beat up a twelve year old, well, so be it.
Wyatt Earp wipes a trickle of blood from the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand and sneers, "Gobble gobble, you dumb son of a bitch."
And then he springs forwards, swinging his fist in an uppercut aimed straight for the Doctor's chin. Right before the blow connects, he savagely twists his forearm to the right, which does absolutely nothing to aid the blow, at all.
At least not up until a ten-foot tall whirlwind, laced with lines of blue chi, erupts into existence in front of Wyatt, threatening to consume the Chinese boy and send his small frame flying into - and possibly through - the side of a nearby wall!
As wind tears through the alleyway, several tumbleweeds, which have been waiting literally days for the perfect moment to strike, roll out of the alleyway, propelled by the current. They roll all the way across town, and on the way cross between at least three pairs of men only seconds away from drawing steel in gunslinger's duels.
COMBATSYS: Tran blocks Cody's Criminal Upper.
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Tran 0/-------/=======|======-\-------\0 Cody
"What, now you turkey, too?" To put it lightly, Doc China is still somewhat cross. Dr. Tran, though confused, is also pretty pissed off. By their powers combined...well, you have what is possibly the angriest man in history.
It is this which gives him strength as Earp pulls out some wacky bullshit magic uppercut powers, tearing the sky asunder with his fist. The Doctor weathers it by standing firm and being a rock, an /angry/ rock, a BOULDER OF FURY.
"Oh, big man! You think so strong with dumb cocksucka magic!" Abruptly, the doc begins to glow, power radiating off him. "Well guess what! Chinese have magic hunnerd thousand year! I kick you ass!" And then, with an arcane looking motion (pantomiming jerking off a live, extremely upset but highly mystical duck), Doctor Chinatran explodes in a gigantic firestorm, a pillar of energy swirling up around him, before dying down to a mere inferno radiating off his body.
Further down the alleyway, the Gold Russian, seeing things still aren't going well, hurridly scoots off to some nefarious end.
COMBATSYS: Tran switches his Mindset.
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Tran 0/-------/=======|======-\-------\0 Cody
Doctor China's Dragonball Z-style transformation into a more furious Doctor China causes Wyatt Earp to stagger backwards, raising one hand to shield his eyes. He watches, mouth agape, as the boy masturbates an invisible duck. How can he hope to stand against one hundred thousand years of chinese magic?
The walls of the nearby buildings begin to splinter and smoke from the sheer power radiating off of Doctor Chinaman; the ground underneath his feet, and Wyatt's, cracks. Small dirt clods float into the air and then explode into clouds of dust.
All hope drains from Wyatt Earp's heart of ever getting his pants back, and so too does hope drain from the heart of Cody Travers. His synchronization rate is incredible, and only going higher; he's having trouble seperating his thoughts from that of his ancestor.
Suddenly, he seizes on a single memory; a memory that allows him to pull himself back out of his abyss of despair, a memory not from Wyatt's life but from Cody's. A memory that will allow him to defeat one hundred thousand years of Chinese mysticism.
Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Blue light suddenly flashes around Wyatt's feet, and on his right hand. Time freezes for an instant, and everything but the lawman goes fuzzy and indstinct, a blurry background full of action lines. It only lasts for a moment... and then time snaps into motion again, and the light vanishes.
Very casually, his hand trailing hazy, translucent blue afterimages, Wyatt Earp draws his pistol from its holster at his side, and shoots Doctor Chinaman in the face.
COMBATSYS: Tran blocks Cody's Random Weapon!.
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Tran 1/-----==/=======|===----\-------\0 Cody
As Doc China waves his arms about, conjuring great swathes of power, he becomes dimly aware of something that has pierced his conciousness. A pinpoint of light not his own that is intruding. Irately, just as he does everything else ever, he abruptly snaps off the immense conflagaration surrounding him, leaving an eerie silence (except for the ruckus at the other end of the alleyway, i guess) and stares downward, then back up at Wyatt.
"You...you SHOT ME! COCKSUCKA!"
It's not a pretty wound, low in the gut and sort of a godawful half-melted mess, which is probably what kept it from being really, really bad, but it still hurts like the dickens now that the doctor realizes it's actually there.
"Agggh...WHAT WRONG WITH YOU, DO YOU TAKE YOUR MEALS IN A HOME WITHOUT SANDALWOOD, AGGHGGHGH." Storming about back and forth as though he weren't currently engaged in a no-holds-barred fight to the something or other, he whips his finger around to point at Wyatt Earp in a classic move that permeates time and space. The tip is glowing. "I HATE YOU! GO AWAY!"
Moments later, anybody watching from outside that end of the alleyway can see it erupt in brilliantly burning chinafire, the hottest flame known to man, wide as the alley and almost reaching to the other side of the street.
COMBATSYS: Cody endures Tran's Oh Shit It's Dr. Tran.
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Tran 0/-------/-------|=======\-------\0 Cody
Hm. Normally, when Wyatt Earp shoots twelve year olds in the stomach, they die. How botherso--
Wyatt lets out a strangled scream of pain as a wave of chinafire washes over him. His clothes are instantly burned to dust, and then that dust is instantly baked to glass. When the smoke clears, Wyatt Earp is completely bald. Every visible inch of skin is covered in blisters and burns, and his clothes have turned into identical versions of those clothes, except made out of glass.
Wyatt just stands there, gaping, for several seconds, while he processes what just happened. You see, like his descendant Cody Travers - who is now driving him - Wyatt Earp /hates/ fireballs.
Wyatt reaches behind his back and wrenches from its sheathe on his belt a large, fixed-blade knife; the movement causes the now-glass arm of his shirt to shatter. "If you throw a fireball at me one more time, I will shoot you dead!" Wyatt cries, ignorant or uncaring of the fact that his gun has been melted to slag.
And then he charges; his glass pant legs shatter in the first few steps, but he remains unperturbed; he sprints directly at Doctor China, and stabs him right in the fucking heart, fully intent on brute forcing through his sternum, and, indeed, then through his heart and the rest of his body.
COMBATSYS: Tran endures Cody's Tokushu Koudou.
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Tran 0/-------/---====|=======\==-----\1 Cody
"Ha! Ha! I turn you into pretty little statue, little girls see in window and want to play! Ha! You get put on list, no live in nice neighborhood!" At this point, the line between Dr. Tran and Doctor Chinaman is growing more indistinct than ever, which may explain the latter's increasingly irrational behavior.
Then again, maybe not.
When Cody stabs Tran-- er, Wyatt stabs Chinaman the Chinaman, he does nothing to prevent it, instead allowing it to sink deep into his chest with little in the way of resistance.
"Ha! You stupid pigface! Me took ancient chinese pill this morning, make heart not needed!" He produces a small, blue rectangular capsule from the remains of his totally cashed out pants, pops one of the seven lids off, and points to the little red pill inside, mocking. "I eat this! It make me invincible! Cannot be...urk..."
Then he pukes blood all over Wyatt Earp's glass-encrusted chest. Looking at the world's first daily pill planner again, horror dawns on the doctor's features. "No! No, forgot to take pill! I...YOU STABBED ME IN THE HEART, COCKSUCKA, AGH! I WILL BURY YOU ALIVE!"
He is ready to go on in this vein for quite some time, but then, annoyingly, the Gold Russian reappears, pushing what appears to be a large, poofy red tree on wheels.
"WYATT EARP!" he exclaims, stepping out from behind the gigantic crimson conveyance. "You tell your friends to be givink up now, or I will be shootink love of your life dead! And since I was not knowink which whore was beink which, I haff kidnapped zem all!"
Sure enough, every whore in town has been piled on top of his golden wheelchair in a remarkably short time, stacked up fifteen feet high with the finest of Russian engineering skill.
Doctor Chinaman stares in disbelief, shocked beyond words at this...this /display/. He points, gurgles, and begins to vibrate wildly for no readily apparent reason.
COMBATSYS: Tran takes no action.
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Tran 0/-------/---====|=======\==-----\1 Cody
Wyatt Earp and his glass clothing whirl to gape at the return of the Gold Russian. "No!!" he shouts; he can't see his beloved in the tower of whore dresses, but it stands to reason that she must be in there somewhere. I mean, if he got every whore in town.
But... "Afraid I can't do that, Goldilocks," Wyatt growls. "Even if it means you shoot all them hookers dead. But before you do, I've got just one question for you..."
Grim-faced, Wyatt turns to face Doc Chinaman. "Listen up, y'little chink," he says gravely. "I know we ain't always seen eye to eye, on account of how you stole my fuckin' pants, but I'm makin' you a deputy lawman, real official-like, as of right now.
"Don't bother thankin' me, I don't understand them ching chong wing wong words, and I ain't doin' this for you. I'm doin' this 'cuz you're the only man who can get the job done, the most important job to a lawman here in Tombstone:
"Oppressin' minorities!!"
Wyatt Earp sweeps Doctor Chinaman up into his arms, gives him a loving (and crushing) embrace, and then grabs him by the front of his shirt and throws him at the Gold Russian like a paper airplane made out of meat and shaped like a chinaman.
So, like, a meat chinaman.
COMBATSYS: Tran interrupts Savage Combo from Cody with -Q- is for Dr. Tran.
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Tran 1/-------/=======|=======\======-\1 Cody
COMBATSYS: Tran can no longer fight.
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Cody 1/-======/=======|
Gurgle gurgle, Doctor Chinaman cannot believe what is happening. He wishes that he could properly express it but for SOME REASON his throat is full of blood. His own blood! But also cow blood mixed with vinegar that he had, not half an hour ago, ingested for medical reasons.
As everyone stands mostly paralyzed by the world's tallest and most precarious hostage situation, he listens to what Wyatt Earp has to say, rage and hatred still blazing in his eyes.
As the man picks him up, he offers to resistance, instead choosing to busy himself by shoving his hands down the front of what remain of his pants. With a mighty flex and a grunt, a veritable fountain of blood comes gushing out of the little man's mouth. Mission accomplished, he takes his hand out of his pants, looks the lawman levelly in the eyes, and state in the perfect english of a 40-year old, flannel-wearing chain-smoker, "I'll do it because I got a grudge to settle. That man took my pants, and there's hell to pay."
He pauses, then adds in his normal, horribly stereotypical voice, "Pilgrim." And then he explodes once more in a firey blaze in Wyatt Earp's hands, who then propels him at decidedly unsafe speeds.
The Gold Russian can only look on in horror, all threats forgotten as he watches his fate slamming toward him. "No! No! Is not beink possible! Nyeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!" And then he is consumed in a wave of flame.
THE PRESENT
HOOTERS, SOUTHTOWN BRANCH
Dr. Richard Tran groggily opens his eyes, an effort considering something appears to have solidified over them. He is in a puddle of liquids, as varied as they are completely unidentifiable. Girls in tight t-shirts are strewn about, and, as he discovers after a moment of searching, so is Dr. Sputnik. The quack has certainly seen better days, as he appears to have somehow received the beating of a lifetime.
Tran struggles to rise to his feet, only to find that he is impeded, somehow. A moment's searching, and he discovered that there is a knife lodged in his ass. His bare ass.
Bystanders will later report that they could hear his scream of rage from ten blocks away.
Log created on 18:35:28 02/02/2010 by Tran, and last modified on 22:51:30 02/06/2010.