Description: After a brief hiatus, and a good deal of production crew firings and rehirings, SNF Review is back! Take a look to see the NEW SPIN of the weekly recap show, and get a good look at exactly what went down during last weekend's matchups! (Featured Fight: Todoh VS Eiji and "Robert")
SATURDAY NIGHT FIGHT: REVIEW!! Comin' at you hard and fast!!
In a blurringly fast series of flashing lights and streaking colors, the SNF Review title sequence plays out, intense music striking out in the background. As the title shuffles off screen, there is a second in which the audience gets a 'preview' of what's to come in the review: an image of 'Robert Garcia,' hollaring like an idiot and swinging his fist at Ryuhaku Todoh, similarly hollaring like a fool while simultaneously trying to strangle 'Robert.' It's all done in dramatic slo-mo, and just as 'Robert's' fist is about to connect with Todoh's face, the image dissolves away in cheap budget-saving effects.
As the image breaks away, it flows seamlessly into the anchorroom, zooming in on the face of the impeccably groomed Turk Gridiron, writing something down on a seemingly important stack of papers and looking overall engrossed in his work. As the camera moves in on him, he looks up, offering a most charming smile as he sorts his stack of papers. Of course, what he's writing can't be seen -- but anyone close enough will just see he's... drawn himself. Smiling as charmingly as he is in real life.
"Hello, folks! Welcome to the Saturday Night Fight Review! I'm Turk Gridiron, here to give you the -INSIDE SCOOP- on everyone's favorite Saturday Night Fight, and with me as always, is my lovely assistant--" Turk puts a deep emphasis on the word 'assistant,' still smiling impeccably, "--Macy Roundhouse! Seems like we've had an exciting round up this weekend, eh, Macy?" And the camera turns to Macy as Turk speaks, allowing him a second to look adoringly at his face. All those years of art classes -- totally worth it.
Even if the audience could see that Turk has drawn himself rather than take down important notes, they would never guess the horror that lurks beyond: Turk has completely so many pictures of his leering face that he's finished covering the break room fridge with them, and has taken to stapling them to the walls.
Macy just manages to stop her left eye from twitching as the camera pans to her. Much like the Turk Mosiac, no one could guess at the seething mass of hatred that lurks beneath the Asian reporter's blithely smiling face. "That we have, Turk!" she responds excitedly. Later she'll carve the word 'ASSISTANT' into a bathroom somewhere with her car key.
"Let's dive right into the action with our first match!" Footage of Katelynn kicking Zach in the midsection plays, stopping at the moment of impact. The frozen frame floats up to one corner, remaining there while Macy continues talking.
"Newcomer 'Zach Glen' was defeated handily by the more experienced Katelynn Molina. Katelynn secured victory with her 'Super Missile Kick'." And here comes the easy pitch question to Turk so he can look smart. Macy turns, after a moment of hesitation, to her co-host. "With the success of super techniques that incorporate 'kicking harder than usual' as a major tenet, will attacks such as the Missile Kick and its much more impressively named older brother, Super Missile Kick, ever surpass the old favorite of repeating an attack three times in a row in quick succession?"
There's a slight pause on Turk's part as the cameras switch, zooming in to a close up of his face. For a moment, one might see a fraction of hesitation on his part. But like the pro he is, Turk recovers swiftly, offering a bright smile.
"Well, that's a good question, Macy! Will the famous 'Triple Fireballs' make a shining come back?" A chart swings into existence just besides Turk's face as he poses this question, showing a distinct bar graph: one bar labeled 'TECHNIQUE/SUPER TECHNIQUE' and the other named 'TECHNIQUE/TRIPLE TECHNIQUE.' Turk picks up his papers, staring with a brilliant and knowing gaze into the camera. "Research shows... no, no they will not."
And that's it. The camera switches once more as Turk swivels around in his chair, facing the front of his desk. "The duo of Tyler Reed and Tsu...Tsukee..." Turk pauses, looks at his papers, and then back towards the camera. "... Frei Renard, faced off against fan favorite and all-American hero 'Guile' in one of a series of fights hosted in the bustling city of Metro this week." Footage plays of Guile breaking through a spectacular showing of energy from Frei with not one, not two, but THREE somersault kicks.
"Guile just goes to show that while some people have given up on the classic triple-attack, they're still just as capable of taking down hordes of unsuspecting lesser fighters in an instant! Guile won this fight by a narrow margin, defeating SNF veteran Frei with a well-placed dosage of his Sonic Boom! That Guile sure does know how to 'kick it old school.'" Chuckling to himself, Turk sets down his papers, and gives a sidelong glance towards Macy before, in a moment if improvisational wit, he offers a final passing comment: "I'd even say he hits harder than you, Macy, but that might be a bit of a stretch! Ha ha ha."
"Ha! Ha! Ha!" Macy replies. It sounds sincere, but there is no humor in her eyes. Only an eternity of murder and blood, the likes of which would make Iori Yagami creeped out. It's a good thing the camera is pointed away from her.
"Guile's expertise in military combat arts aided him in his fight against multiple opponents; the tone of the fight was set very early with a cunning Rolling Sobat that caught both Frei and Reed unaware!"
A shot of Blanka flying through the air like some sort of deranged mutated hellspawned cannonball plays. Just as the jungle man slams into a mid-hadouken Ryu, the clip flips to Ryu shooting not one, but two simultaneous Shinkuu Hadoukens that hit both of his targets.
"A similar story played out when newcomer 'Blanka' and Miu Kurosaki took on former World Warrior and current King of Fighters Ryu. Despite an amazing display of dexterity with what analysts are calling the 'Shinkuu Hadouken TIMES TWO', the unorthodox fighting styles of his opponents were enough to wear Ryu down."
Macy, much calmer, reappears on camera with footage of Blanka chewing excitedly on Ryu playing in the corner. "Whoever Blanka is, he seems to have one very large appetite! Almost as large as your mother's, Turk."
There is just enough good-naturedness in her voice that the producer keeps the cameras rolling.
"..." There is a visible twitch in Turk's eyebrow as the cameras switch over to him, though his grin shines brighter and more hypnotizingly handsome than ever (in his mind, at least). "Oh Macy, you have such a charming ice-cold wit! Why you can't keep a boyfriend, I'll never know!"
Almost instantly afterwards another, spur-of-the-moment clip is shown of the fight between Ryu and his two competitors, to artfully obstruct Turk's now-unpleasant grin and gritting teeth. "It seems that it just wasn't Ryu's day. Researchers suggest that Ryu's fabled 'homeless zen' just wasn't in synch, but other researchers have discredited this theory as 'a load of poppycock.'"
The next clip? An image of the world-famous Sakura Kasugano uppercutting the equally -- if not more so -- famous face of Mike Haggar in the midst of an extraordinarily powerful axe blow from the mayor.
"The last in the 'Metro Manhandling' series of fights--" crew in the background look between each other as Turk speaks, not quite knowing where he came up with the name 'Metro Manhandling,' "-- pit the schoolgirl extraordinaire Sakura Kusagano against the legendary mayor of Metro City himself, Mike Haggar." Turk pauses, as if something is amiss, but continues soon enough, completely disregarding the error he made in Sakura's last name. "While Haggar dominated much of the match, it seems the mayor had gone through a bit of a new fashion statement this week!" An image appears of Haggar, complete with a new, thick beard and black clothes. "It seemed that not even Ms. Kusagano's well-meaning fists of fury and well-timed fan service could bring back this Jolly Green Giant from his purported 'super funk.' Though the match ended up close, Mayor Haggar dominated the fight in a dramatic showdown, displaying that not even he is afraid to take down schoolgirls a peg or two if need be. You should take a page or two from Haggar's new style, Macy." A pause. "Black is much more slimming."
The nerve! How could Turk go that low? While she's in the gym for hours every week trying desperately to hold on to the fleeting attractiveness of her youth, he's sitting on the couch in the break room eating Milk Duds and telling people how they look like the nipples of a Taiwanese stripper. Macy clenches her teeth to prevent herself from suddenly developing her latent chi powers and breathing fire on her co-host.
While she's struggling with herself, footage plays of Sakura flying through the air mid-Sho'ou Ken, only to be caught by the arm by Haggar, who promptly turns to throw her hella far. Before he completes his violent task, the screen freezes and flashing red and yellow text blurs across the screen while a beefy voice that may be the announcer from Mortal Kombat reads it aloud: "P-P-P-P-POWER SWING!" The footage resumes with Sakura flying off into the bushes somewhere to commune with nature.
Macy, thankfully, has once again calmed her stormy spirit. "I knew there was a reason you've always worn that color, Turk," the Asian woman says with a smile. "In the third of SNF's two-on-one fights, Justice High student Kurow Kirishima took on Shingo Yabuki and newcomer Nadine Kennicot. While Kirishima's expertise allowed for an early lead, Yabuki made up for his botched counter attempts with a well-placed flurry of blows that took the wind out of Kurow's sails and allowed teammate Nadine to finish the fight relatively unharmed."
"Ha ha!" This is literally all Turk says at first. 'Ha ha.' Not even laughing, the anchorman simply turns his attention to the camera, shuffles the stack of papers between his hands, and speaks. "While Shingo Yabuki sustained heavy damage throughout the fights, he proved that persistence simply does not pay off, unless it comes to his fabled 'Shingo Kick.'" Footage plays of Shingo's mighty foot impacting Kurow -- before playing another clip in which the potent Shingo Kick floors Kurow -- permanantly. "It seems that Kurow Kirishima just can't catch a break!"
Footage shifts -- this time, it is of the Ikari Mercenary Clark Steel, performing his well-known Argentine Backbreaker on Sie Kensou over... and over... and over... before finally throwing his opponent right off the bus they're fighting on. A close up of Clark's shirt is shown here, portraying a cartoon rendition of Geese Howard with crossed eyes and buck teeth.
As the camera returns to Turk, it is clear the man is stiffling some laughter. Clearing his throat, the anchorman adjusts his tie, and continues. "Clark Steel and Sie Kensou fought to a standstill with the assistance of their lovely associate and Chaos Agent, pop star Arika Fade. The fight was to show tourists the wonders of our very own town's sights, punches and all! I don't think it's an experience they'll soon forget, wouldn't you say, Macy?"
"Not in the least, Turk!" Macy replies back. "The Ultra Argentine Backbreaker is another powerful example of a technique repeated three times to great success. Our fight-scientists," she pauses to think what a stupid word that is, "have put together a computer simulation of just what might happen if it came up against the Super Missile Kick."
Cut to a pair of green wireframes standing in a virtual ring. The smaller of the two wireframes enters a fighting stance and pauses for a moment before engaging in a Missile Kick that looks just a tad bit more missiley than usual. The other, a larger wireframe complete with virtual shades, catches its opponent mid-air and begins to apply several Argentine Backbreakers. It doesn't stop at three, continuing on and on and on until finally the simulation abruptly crashes somewhere around number twenty three.
Macy shuffles some papers. "A bit of technical difficulty there."
Turk stares almost blankly at the cameras as the simulation runs, admiring his smiling face in the reflection of the nearby camera. Mouthing 'aren't YOU a handsome one?' and other such self-imposed compliments as the simulation begins to malfunction, he doesn't even seem to notice the error until one of the camera crew motions to him with a heavily whispered "You're on!!"
"AHEM! Aha, you're right Macy, that Kensou sure does have an appetite for spontaneously appearing meatbuns!" Apparently Turk doesn't even know what exactly has been going on the last few moments, but seamlessly he moves on, oblivious to how completely off the mark he truly was.
"And this brings us to..." The lights dim, and across the screen a dramatic, high-budget explosion special effect cues, with three simple words launching at the screen, which Turk sees fit to repeat, "... the -MAIN EVENT-."
A series of incredibly brief footage shots of the fight blur forward in a brief, impressive montage: the legendary Kasane Ate flashing through the air, Eiji seeming to sustain a solid beating from Todoh and giving it out in turn -- and then... a zoom in of a very distinct face.
"Robert Garcia! Proud, rich playboy son of a wealthy businessman... or cheap punk willing to interfere in fights for the sheer sadistic glee of it?" Turk looks solemn here, staring intently at the screen as an image of the actual Robert Garcia appears, with devil horns and fiery eyes neatly photoshopped onto him. The words 'RABID ROBERT?' sweep across the bottom of the picture.
"A match that was meant to be a dramatic one-on-one show down between the conniving Eiji Kisaragi and the self-described... 'Invincible Fighter'... Ryuhaku Todoh, devolved into a sudden frenzy of foul play as Robert Garcia burst into the scene, fighting Todoh alongside his ninja accomplice. The Kyokugen Dojo has been -- according to the statements of Mr. Todoh -- locked in 'eternal rivalry' with the School of Todoh-ryuu Kobojutsu. Analysists believe this may, in fact, be part of a conspiracy against Ryuhaku Todoh orchestrated by the head of the Kyokugen style himself, Takuma Sakazaki, while others believe it may simply be, and I quote, 'Just another ninja refusing to fight fair. You know, like all ninja do.' Macy?"
Macy watches the footage intently, leaning forward to get a better look at the monitor located just to the side of her teleprompter. She squints slightly, perhaps forgetting that she's supposed to be a soulless shell of a human being, designed only to do as her employers ask.
"I'm... pretty sure that's not Robert Garcia, Turk. In fact that only looks vaguely like him. And it's not called 'Kyo Kugen Kick'."
"..." Turk clears his throat, awkwardly. He looks towards the teleprompter, confirming this was not, in fact, what Macy was supposed to say. He gives a sidelong glance to his bosses, who merely shrug as if to say 'Who the hell knows?' And slowly, very slowly... Turk looks back towards the cameras.
"Ahaha, I think you're mistaken, Macy!" Declaring this in that cheerfully charming voice of his, the scene of 'Robert' performing the very same 'Kyo Kugen Kick' is displayed on the screen. "Kyo Kugen Kick is a well-known and... uh... and dangerous technique of the ancient Kyokugen style. Belief that this was not actually Robert Garcia is speculation at best. In fact, recent surveys show that an overwhelming 99% of people across the glove believe that it was Robert Garcia and that Macy is simply lying to get more face time, while the other 1% ... is Macy."
Nodding to himself, Turk leans back with a sense of deep satisfaction, turning his gaze towards the left-hand camera. "A tremendous fight indeed, Macy!" Continuing on as if Macy had never deviated from the teleprompter, Turk seamlessly shifts, resting his elbows upon the desk. "I guess we'll never know why Robert Garcia would try something so underhanded!"
If there's one thing Macy prides herself on, it's actually being competent. She opens her mouth to begin to lecture about the Hien Shippu Kyaku when her mic is suddenly cut. The anchorwoman doesn't notice for a moment and continues talking animatedly, until the lights go off on her side of the desk and the camera pointedly turns towards Turk.
"And that's about all the time we have for today folks!" Turk declares cheerily as he looks towards the camera, pointing forward towards it -- to you, all the people of the world! "Tune in next week, and we'll be sure to bring you more amazing footage and even more of Macy's hilariously crackpot theories! Until then, stay classy!" The lights begin to dim on Turk's side as the camera pans out, the dull sound of someone speaking to Turk only vaguely audible.
"What do you mean I can't use that catch phrase? Who the hell is 'Ron Burgundy'?! I need a scotch!!"
Log created on 00:16:49 08/09/2007 by Thundercleese, and last modified on 02:00:14 08/10/2007.