Description: Wage. (Winner: Rock)
Ah, the flying island. God only knows how the hell people get up here, since there's no ladder or anything, and considering how many of those poor bastards just plain fall off during each fight? Christ. It's a wonder that anyone even comes back. But then, as wrestling fans have proven, there's no sense where there's entertainment! Packing the stands, the people roar and cheer and sleep and play their Gameboys while waiting.
In the beginning, again, Ralf is nowhere to be seen. There aren't THAT many places on the island to hide, so it can be assumed that he's simply not there yet. Maybe he's forgotten. Maybe he's fixing his makeup. Maybe he's sick! How boring would THAT be? But no! It seems that the heavens themselves burst forth with glorious hymn!
"MYYYYYYYY bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R.."
From above the cloud cover, a rectangular piece of fluffy white descends. As it nears, the distinct shape of a vehicle of some sort can be seen. It's long, it's white, it's...it's got a damn giant hot dog on the back!
"My bologna has a second name, it's M-A-Y-E-R..."
The cloud settles in at the edge of the island, and the vehicle tilts a little at the impact, but quickly wobbles into place. People can SWEAR that the prop on top of it jiggled, too. Freakish. The engine is cut, and out of the driver's side door comes Ralf, donned in his flak jacket, bandana, and..uh..and a KILT of all things!
"I love to eat it every day and if you ask me why I'll SAAAAAAAAAAYYYY!!!"
The horrible off-key music is apparently coming from Jones himself, as he's carrying a wireless microphone, and the speakers on the WeinerMobile shudder with each shift in tone. As he sings, he opens up the side of the thing, pulling out a stainless steel cart, complete with umbrella, and while wheeling it into the ring, he finally finishes with a glorious grandois.
"'Coz Oscar Meyer has a way with B-O-L-O-G--N----A------!"
"You're absolutely insane. God. I don't get paid enough to do these OIC fights," mutters Rock Howard, who -- unlike his last fight -- is not dressed up like a frilly magical knight from France. It's a welcome change. No, instead, he's wearing what looks like a vaguely 'period' costume, consisting of pants and a white shirt. What's more, his hair has... changed. It's blue, for one, like his eyes, and longer; in a pony-tail, to boot. In fact, he doesn't much look like Rock at all. Go figure.
Even better, he's got a sword -- a katana. "I don't even know how to use this thing," he mutters. "Jeez. What the heck am I gonna do to win /this/ one?" Rock waves his sheathed sword around, apparently confused at how he's going to pull this off. "Okay, Rock," just... "Calm down, and you'll figure this out. Hopefully. Jeez."
COMBATSYS: Rock has started a fight here.
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Rock 0/-------/-------|
COMBATSYS: Ralf has joined the fight here.
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Ralf 0/-------/-------|-------\-------\0 Rock
Ralf kicks the door of the WeinerMobile closed, grinning like a damn lunatic all the while. Of COURSE he's insane! He'd have to be to wear a kilt to a fight! "OI," he shouts out at first, opening the lid to his little cart thing. Steam exits in a large puff from the top, and after fanning that and the smell of hot dogs, saurkraut, and god knows what other rank crap is kept in there, he starts digging in. "Just hold the non-sharp part, and hit me with the pointy end. It's easy!" Not that he has any idea how to use swords. The man finally pulls out a dog in its bun, and from various niches in the cart, he starts slathering on things like mustard, fake blood, and Junior Mints.
"Wanna practice?" He's so helpful, isn't he? After making DAMN sure the brake is set on his little cart, he pulls an apron from a compartment low on the side. Rearing back, he flings the food toward Rock, crumling up the apron in the other hand. God, that looks messy, and it's leaving trails of gunk EVERYWHERE.
COMBATSYS: Ralf successfully hits Rock with Thrown Object.
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Ralf 0/-------/-------|=------\-------\0 Rock
Rock /does/ manage to catch the hot dog. He just doesn't realize that the hot dog is a /hot dog/. "Ow!" he yelps, dropping the food item immediately and shaking his hand. "Ergh," he grunts, clearly frustrated. "I hate this OIC fights. I hate them so much it's not even funny. If I get my hands on the guy that came up with this idea I'm going to strangle him..." The blue-haired fighter starts to sprint towards his opponent, lunging as quickly as he can to get in close to his foe -- close enough to reach out and grab his opponent with his free hand while he grips his sword in his burnt hand. "Let's just get his over with!"
That said, he tries to get a grip on his opponent's arm, strong enough to fling him into the ground as he runs past, setting Ralf up for an extended buttbeating.
COMBATSYS: Ralf endures Rock's Quick Throw.
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Ralf 0/-------/-----==|=------\-------\0 Rock
Oooh, that.. Aw, man. "Damn, you alright, kid? I've like got some band-aids in the truck and all, if that's cool." He doesn't even wait for an answer, he just turns and starts walking toward the vehicle, still suspended by naught but a fluffy cloud of hopes and dreams, and maybe some Mexican cherubs he bought on the cheap. Work hard, boys! Your dozens of brothers and sisters are counting on you!
Midstep, the cheers of the crowd and Rock's complaining catch his ear, and he pauses, turning just enough to look back. The little guy's quick; must have picked Speed mode at character select, or something. God, aren't those irritating? Run in, combo, get away, run in, combo, etc? Yeah, he cheeses them out, too. It's cool though, it's our little secret. Anyway! Yeah, Rock is right there, and holding his arm! The man's shoe slips on what's hopefully grease, and down Ralf goes, his forehead denting the stone tiles in the floor..and you know, probably nearly breaking his nose. Also? Man, he shouldn't have worn a kilt; his ass is playin' Peek-A-Boo with EVERYONE! He doesn't get right up; his face seems stuck in the floor as his legs pull up under him. His hands plop down on either side of his head and, with a muffled grunt, he finally pulls his head free. The face is framed by stone tiles, giving him a particularly floral look! "YOU ASS! I just wanted to help!" His right hand curls into a fist, shooting up toward Rock's head as if willing to knock the blue right the hell out of his hair. And then, a backhand, and another punch, and another, and another, and another, and ANOTHER, all marked with quick explosions that saturate the air with heat and the funk smell of hot dogs.
COMBATSYS: Rock blocks Ralf's Vulcan Punch.
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Ralf 0/-------/----===|===----\-------\0 Rock
[OOC] Ralf says, "Hey, Leona. Did you see Dirtball anywhere in that ICP collection?"
Rock brings his sword up to defend himself, despite how uncomfortably he seems to be at handling it. "Alright, you..." One by one, Rock manages to block the strikes of his opponents fist again and again. Despite blocking them with his sword, however, he still seems to suffer from some sort of damage, as though injury could be transported to him through the blade of his sword. Well, whatever.
"Ow! That--goddamn it, I hate these game mechanics, too. Alright, that's it... No more Mr. Nice Rock, alright?!" And then Rock essentially just takes off like a shot, making one quick lunge and driving his sword point-first towards Ralf's shoulder with a quick strike. "Take that!"
COMBATSYS: Ralf blocks Rock's Hard Edge.
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Ralf 0/-------/---====|===----\-------\0 Rock
It was the FLAMES OF JUSTICE that hurt through the blade! Nothing can stop that!
So hot was the assault that Ralf, once finished and grunting at his inability to land even a single blow, pauses for a Sprite break. Just like he was carrying it the whole time, he opens the familiar greenish-blue can for the crisp, refreshing taste of Lymon. He's only through his second gulp when, like a horrible snake, Rock's fang pierces his flak jacket! While missing a clean hit, it still slices the skin beneath, and shit..THAT HURTS. It's like a papercut, only TIMES A THOUSAND. "DAMMIT OW! MAN! Watch it with that thing!" Jones starts pouring Sprite over his wound, and lo and behold, the power of the beverage heals him for two percent! He pulls back, trying to dislodge the blade. It sticks. He pushes. It sticks. "LET! GO!" he bellows out, lifting his right leg and ramming his boot out, really wanting to dislodge this piece of metal from his shoulder.
COMBATSYS: Rock counters Heavy Kick from Ralf with Joudan Crack Counter.
- Power hit! -
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Ralf 0/-------/-======|====---\-------\0 Rock
Ralf isn't going to happen to pull it out -- Rock will do that for him, taking a few steps away as his opponent seeks to make his own counterattack with his foot. "You get what you ask for, pal... now, I think I'm startin' to get a hang of this sword thing," he says, grinning sharply. And then his opponent swings a kick at him, to which Rock swings a sword in response. His intent is pretty simple, through the degree of success might vary sharply from what he intents. Get it? Sharply? Vary? Maybe he'll get lucky, and take of Ralf's leg. It'd only be a flesh wound.
"FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, MAN! Was that a pun?! That was a pun!" RRRG! The slice on his leg leaves a big gash, and hey, it's bleeding, all right. It looks kind of nasty. However, the power of SPRITE and HATRED AGAINST PUNS, OH GOD, THEY SUCK SO BAD are on his side! Ralf's legs seem to expand and grow more tan, kind of like a wonderful, cool ale. Or just piss-cheap beer. "You see that?!" he asks, pointing to his leg, drawing attention to what MAY OR MAY NOT be mosiaced out when a gust of wind flips his kilt up! The shock of seeing his Ikari bits would strike any man like a punch.
"THOU! SHALT! NOT! PUN!"
COMBATSYS: Rock just-defends Ralf's Strong Punch!
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Ralf 0/-------/--=====|====---\-------\0 Rock
"Ah, crap!" Rock looks away, so horrified by whatever sight has been presented with him that he actually drops his sword. The weapon clatters to the ground, useless, and Rock covers his eyes, desperately seeking a way to defend himself from the horrors that await within Ralf's hidden places. "Make it stop, God, make it stop!"
Just then, a little blonde girl runs in from the corner of the screen. "RICHTER!" she yells, and then simply tosses Rock a two-by-four. "Alright!" Rock roars, trhusting forward with his weapon in a desperate attempt to prevent the horrifying assault of Ralf.
COMBATSYS: Ralf dodges Rock's Random Weapon.
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Ralf 0/-------/--=====|====---\-------\0 Rock
"MARIA! NO! Why do you he--OWJESUSLORDINHEAVEN!" Ralf just BARELY manages to step to the side and away from the two-by-four he could have been THOROUGHLY thrashed by. This fighting thing is dangerous! Wasting no time, the big man RUNS (yes, while in his kilt) toward his cart, once more digging into the big-ass hole in the top. From its depths comes out a tiny Chinese kid, who hands the man an extremely long length of kielbasa. The thing really has to be like fifteen feet long! Gripping it at one end, he gives the meat a flick, and it makes this awful, wet slopping sound as the end snaps, sending more grease and shmeg all about. "Go get him, Docta Jones!" the runt yells, and after rearing back, attempts to meat-lash Rock from a dozen paces away.
COMBATSYS: Rock overcomes Large Thrown Object from Ralf with Double Reppuken.
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Ralf 0/-------/--=====|====---\-------\0 Rock
"What the hell--" Rock pauses, trying to understand the nature of Ralf's new and terrible piece of weaponry. "Oh, you've got to be kidding-- that's just awful. That's just completely awful. I mean... jeez, that's terrible--you..." Okay, fight later, deal with it now. Rock reaches to the ground to snare his blade, whipping it through the air once and then again. The first slice tears asunder the massive meatwhip, and the second sends a wave of energy soaring across the ground, skidding towards Ralf at lightning speed and hoping to punish him for the horrible thing ever to happen in the history of the world.
COMBATSYS: Ralf interrupts Double Reppuken from Rock with Ralf Tackle.
- Power hit! -
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Ralf 0/-------/=======|=======\-------\0 Rock
Ralf's meat-whip...defeated?! The mass of dead animal falls limp in his hand, and Shortround, skittish little bastard that he is, ducks back into the metal cart and pulls the lid closed. "..Thanks, kid." The man grunts, and before long at all, the second wave of purple chi, probably setting ablaze all the grease on the ground, comes screaming at him. What's a man to do?
He's to buckle the hell down and get on with the fighting, that's what! Breathing deep, Ralf beats his chest, then slams his fight fist into his left palm, while the fingers close down and clench the other hand tightly. A boisterous roar is bellowed as he rushes INTO the damn fireball, plowing THROUGH it, and gives Rock a nasty ScottishWeinerVendor headbutt, right in the solar plexus!
"FIREBALLS! ARE! FOR! PUSSIES!"
"Ow," comments Rock, realizing that being hit by Rock in such a manner rather hurt. "That... fireballs are /so/ not for pussies, you big... pissy!" The blue-haired figuer grunts, a little upset at the offense to his masculinity. "Alright, fine! No fireballs -- for now. I'll show you that I can do this just as easy without 'em as I can with them, you big jerk!" And then he just takes a swipe with his sword. Nothing special. Just a swipe.
Except for the fact that it's aimed at his opponent's throat. That is a bit of a kink.
COMBATSYS: Ralf blocks Rock's Medium Kick.
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Ralf 1/-------/=======|=======\-------\1 Rock
"Pissy?! Oh, you just didn't!!" Fueled by catfighting RAGE, Ralf shifts over, just a little, catching the blade along his back. Sure, the thing eats into his jacket again, but he MUCH prefers a thin slice to a gash or, even worse, A WHOLE MISSING LIMB. Hell, he's just lucky that Rock hasn't gone for Mister Winky yet! That would just be horribly mean, after all.
Eager to continue the one-upmanship, as Ralf turns, he slings his left hand out, keeping it unballed to try and get a nice stinging effect across the young boy's cheek with the back of his hand. He even gives his wrist a little flick, just like his friend Maddox taught him!
"Slut!"
COMBATSYS: Ralf successfully hits Rock with Quick Punch.
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Ralf 1/-------/=======|=======\=------\1 Rock
"OW!" Rock gets bunched squarely across the face, a fact that irritates him a little bit. He's mostly okay -- it just... stings, and it's irritating. "Man. What a-- that hurt! Jerk." With that thought in mind, Rock leaps back a pace, swinging his sword once, far across the ground, energy streaming across the ground towards his opponent at a rapid pace -- enough, Rock hopes, to hold off his opponents onslaught for a few more moments.
COMBATSYS: Ralf fails to interrupt Reppuken from Rock with Ralf Tackle.
- Power hit! -
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Ralf 1/----===/=======|=======\===----\1 Rock
"See? Fireballs aren't for pussies."
Ooh, Ralf..uh. He may've gone a bit too far with that. Sure, it felt good to just let loose and backhand someone, but..you know? He's not the brightest bulb. He really isn't. That's why, as he's standing there, he just WATCHES Rock start up, moving his blade around. It's entrancing, really. The man even drools a little, just out of the corner of his mouth.
By the time he notices that flash of vioet starting up again, however? Jones is at a loss, blinking as he snaps out of his daze. "Oh shit! Oh crap!" As quick as he can, he shrugs his shoulders and tries to barrel in again..but this time, the attack is already at his midsection, and..you know what? Not wearing underwear REALLY FUCKING HURTS when chu is roiling up from the ground! Ralf FLIES back in slow motion, literally, his kilt flapping about his legs until, finally he lands with a heavy thud, sliding back along the ground. Don't worry, though! His bits are covered up, since his hands are currently nursing them. "NNG! OW! FIGHT LIKE A MAN! DAMMIT! ohgodmyballs;;;;;"
"You want me to fight, what, like you? Well, if you insist..." Rock says this, stabbing his sword into the ground and somehow having no problem implaing it into the stone of the fighting surface. "I'll come back for that when it's time. For now... Alright, you get what you wish for!" Rock darts in fast, striking with one lightning-quick fist in an attempt to make contact with Ralf in any way. It's not meant to /hurt/, just to irritate, and irritate in a big way. "Try this one on for size, then!"
COMBATSYS: Rock successfully hits Ralf with Jab Punch.
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Ralf 1/---====/=======|=======\====---\1 Rock
At this point, Ralf screams like a little girl, lifting one hand up to try and stop from being beaten like a bad Latino wife. "OW! Stop, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" Sure, it only hits his arm, but he's making a big production anyway! Furiously trying to dig his heels into the ground, he eventually gets up and away from Rock! He runs all the way over my the WeinerMobile, sniffling and doing all sorts of horribly unmanly things.
"OH GOD I don't want to sponge bathe Heidern! That's NASTY! EW EW!" Jones starts slapping his face, trying to clear the pussification that the fireball inflicted on him from his mind. Must thing MAN things! F-cups! D-Cups! Oh, precious jumbalugs! SAVE HIM!
COMBATSYS: Ralf focuses on his next action.
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Ralf 1/---====/=======|=======\====---\1 Rock
Rock takes two steps backwards as his opponent waits at the ready, aware of the potential speed that his opponent possesses. Cringing a little, Rock pauses to consider his next course of action. "Alright, then," he grunts, after a few moments of waiting. "I'm not playing some kind of judo game with you, pal! Try this!" Rock takes two steps forward -- two steps, two attacks with his blade, two waves of energy charging towards Ralf's bare knees. "This is what fireball spam is!"
COMBATSYS: Rock successfully hits Ralf with Double Reppuken.
Glancing Blow
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Ralf 1/--=====/=======|=======\======-\1 Rock
Alright! Ralf's pumped up again, and ready to go! "YEAH! You better watch out boy, 'coz it's time to--" ...Oh lord. OH LORD. There's another one of those?! "OKAY, HOW MANY OF THOSE DAMN THINGS ARE YOU HIDING!!" Really, it doesn't make sense! You can't store fireballs INSIDE a person, they're too big! HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?! In the midst of his wondering this, the Ikari yelps and jumps off to the side, barely getting his ass singed by the projectile as it barrels past. Oh, his poor heiney! Will he ever sit again?! Ah, but he has to! "This isn't over! Mark my words!!" And then, with a quick motion, he pulls open the door to the WeinerMobile, starts up the engine, and putters off. VICTORY, for the Unloved Song!
Oh, but no. Not just yet. Off in the distance, the vehicle turns around, leaning screeching in the air. Gold ones. They sparkle, too. In the driver's seat, Ralf mashes the golden Schwartz button, and with the sound of squealing tires, the WeinerMobile comes rushing in, right toward Rock! Maybe the Dukes of Hazard music blaring on the speakers is a bit much.
COMBATSYS: Rock interrupts Galactica Phantom from Ralf with Raging Storm.
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Ralf 0/-------/---====|=======\-------\0 Rock
What.
It's a truck.
A WeinerMobile.
Coming his way.
"No. This... this is /too damn much/. I can't... I can't take it anymore! This is too stupid--WAGE!" And then Rock's hair turns blond, and he becomes Rock again. "WAAAAGE!" His hair then points /straight up/, like some sort of horrible tree.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!"
By the time all is said and done, Rock's hair towers into the very heavens, the top of it lost somewhere in the upper ionosphere. Rock himself burns with golden energy encircling him. His power level is more than THIRTY SEVEN GAGILLION BILLION.
Ralf's truck /hits/ Rock, sure. And then it stops. Hope Ralf was buckled in.
YES! Ralf is INDEED buckled in! Of course, a flimsy little strip of nylon isn't nearly enough to stop him! The WeinerMobile was just going too fast, and Rock's defense is so great, that the truck just..stops. I mean, it just sits there in midair, slowly crumping against itself while wisps of AWESOME rip through its body! Jones, though? He's launched THROUGH the glass of the vehicle!
"AAAAHOWDAMMITAAAAAAAH--oh kid, nice hair boner--AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" and thus, he flies bodily toward the WAGEing one, his Not-Quite-So-Huge sailing right through the Raging Storm!
Oh, and Ralf? He's so hardcore that HE COMES BACK FROM THE DEAD.
COMBATSYS: Rock counters Umanori Vulcan Punch from Ralf with Joudan Crack Counter.
- Power hit! -
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Ralf 0/-------/----===|=======\-------\0 Rock
Rock just /looks/ at Ralf, squinting his eyes a little bit and trying not to break his neck as Ralf soars through the windhsield and straight towards him. And he does nothing. Absolutely nothing. He waits. Entire split-seconds... split-seconds, until Ralf is about to strike him as hard as he can. And then he says just one thing:
"Wage."
And Rock's massive hair boner bends someplace in the middle of its length, having grown too tall and too heavy, and the massive weight of the collapsing hair simply falls on Ralf, crushing him underneath its might.
"OUCH!" comes the very pained, but very manly yell. No, it really is manly! But still, the hair boner is too much, and Jones doesn't seem to be getting up just yet. Oh, the pain..oh, the broken glass in his spine..oh, the rocks stuck in his kilt! It's horrible! Oh god, he doesn't..he doesn't want to bathe Heidern! NO! PLEASE DON'T!! The very thought brings forth just enough resolve in the strapping old man to struggle, shaky arms lifting the (ugh) erect hair up and over him. "You...you've never seen his scars! You don't know the pain!! Oh..oh god, WHY???!" It's all he can do to try and get a good grip on the blond locks and hoist it as he falls backwards.
COMBATSYS: Ralf can no longer fight.
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Rock 1/-------/=======|
COMBATSYS: Rock counters Northern Lights Bomb from Ralf with Joudan Crack Counter.
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Rock 1/------=/=======|
Rock says one thing, once again:
"Wage."
Alas, the hair is too much, and Ralf simply falls once more under its bulk.
"Knock Out!" Ding ding ding!
And the hair simply... elongates once more, this time impaling Ralf through the stomach and promptly concluding his life. And then it pops back into place at full elevated length, leaving the dead Ralf somewhere in outer space, impaled on hair and miles away from Rock's scalp.
Ralf is such a bad enough dude that he can survive IN SPACE, and he plots his revenge!
Log created by Rock, and last modified on 04:41:47 12/13/2005.